The Blog Of State Address
By Brent Diggs on Feb 1, 2008 in Adventures of the Author, Best of the Comma, Humor
This post has been selected as a reader favorite for its alleged wealth of dry, witty humor and it’s generous sprinkling of funny comments. Read at your own peril.
My fellow Commaricans,
Today is the first anniversary of the ground-bruising weblog known as The Ominous Comma.* On this solemn occasion I stand before you humbled in tearful amazement, a fact having just as much to do with the freshly spilled coffee in my lap as with the undeniable glow of achievement which not only permeates this site but also illuminates entire neighborhoods, disturbing the circadian rhythms of countless innocent victims.
Without a doubt, this blog is really something.
Although scientists are torn as to what that something might be, they generally agree that whatever it is, it’s probably not anything worth getting torn over.
But, putting aside all questions of composition, the Comma has existed, some would say thrived over the last twelve months.** And having personally guided the ship of site during that period, past all danger of recession or even accuracy, I feel that it is high time to settle down to the serious business of granting myself a slew of generous, retroactive pay raises.
Although it is customary on these sort of occasions to impress the crowd with a few statistics, I will not. Allow me to assure you that I do indeed have numbers and that they are both large and numerous, featuring digits and decimals and other types of obscure mathematical notation. Numbers so fierce and intimating that I prefer to keep them stored in specially engineered Byzantium-lined PO boxes, for reasons of national security.
However, to further bolster my own claim on competence, I will slip you a few figures. To date, I have let fly 182 posts and been greeted with 3774 comments, many from people who have read what I have written, a couple having no mention of male enhancement products.
Truly, these are heady accomplishments, the kind that would inflate the ego of a lesser man. That I can stay humble is the face of such over-awing achievements is something in which I take great pride.
This brings me to an announcement of great significance and prestige. This blog, The Ominous Comma, the very same one you are currently reading has been declared the best blog in Tennessee by a distinguished panel of purple and green refrigerator stars, one of which has agreed to pose for photographs immediately below this sentence.***
With this distinction, the Comma is ready to assume its place among the other A-list blogs of the Volunteer State such as…um…well…many fine blogs, none of which I am personally acquainted with at this time.
Clearly it is a new day in America, an event unparalleled in over twenty-three and half hours. And as such, I pledge to the people of this website to continue in the tradition of excremence and sheer speculation on which our beloved blog was founded, bringing forth upon the internet a kinder, gentler Comma, smelling faintly of lilacs…or ex-lax, whichever is more readily available.
Thank you.
—–
*I hope to one day add a research department to our fine organization and so upgrade our status to the rank of Surface-Scratching, but until that time fact checking will remain strictly one of the more enjoyable aspects of trivia hockey.
**Of course, these are the same people who keep trying to set you up on that blind date with the convicted Ukrainian wankel smuggler, but around here we take our endorsements where we can get them.
***Although the inclusion of the Comma in their fine directory reveals the highest level of taste and cultural appreciation on the part of the Tennesseebloggers.com, they seem to be lacking some of the more basic mathematical skills. For example, let’s just say that there is a statistically improbably number of Best Blog in Tennessees.
There is also no category for Memphis Humor, a redundancy I’m sure they sought to avoid.
——
This post populating its own private Idaho at humor-blogs.com
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Yea! I get to be the first one to wish you a happy blogiversary! Congratulations on all your fine and funny posts. You make the web worth surfing!
Both of the fine funny posts thank you and the rest are a little miffed. But thank you anyway.
Your Christmas present makes staring at the walls waiting for inspiration much less frustrating.
I salute before the powerful might of the Ominous Comma, sir! Long may it continue!
Happy one year-o-versary,!
As always Your Lordship, you are too kind. And too rich, as well as too top-hatish. But thank you anyway.
Happy blogiversary! Tennessee is richer for the Comma’s existence.
Not to mention seven years of sales tax.
As a State Resource I think they should give it all back to me, with interest and possibly a stipend. I could always start resourcing somewhere else, you know. But then again, they might like that.
Thanks Wolf.
I can tell you, to a man, those rocket scientists are debating if Jodie Foster correctly pointed out Cassiopeia in “Contact.”
Really? I had identified that constellation as The Big Oscar, one of the lesser known members of the Greek pantheon.
Congrats on your first year! May you have as many as the blogger trend allows!
Thank you, Howard.
I don’t want to contradict you, but as an Internet Resource I have a bit more power (on loan from Chuck Norris) than you give me credit for.
I’m the one allowing the blogger trend to continue, as it will continue to continue until I’m good and ready for it to end.
Sorry about that, I try to be humble but sometimes I slip…
After a year of reading your work I’m reminded that life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand, Strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO-what a ride!”
(Not sure who originally said that but I thought it appropriate.)
On a more serious note, the Comma has been an enormous delight, simultaneously capturing your original quirky humor & insightful social commentary. Thanks for allowing me the privilege of participating in the most entertaining humor- blog of 2007!
I could go on but then I would need a tissue and some visine…
Thank you Debbie, you were there at the first post and I haven’t been able to shake you ever since.
(Are you a stalker?)
I appreciate your support and encouragement. Even when I really don’t want to write, I know I’ll be hearing from you if I don’t.
Thanks for that.
And be sure to tell your Mafia friends that I am right on schedule and there’s no need for them to come by anymore.
Wow, I’m a stalker(?!) with my own Mafia, reminding you of the unpleasantries of writing. Hmmmm…nice…
Happy Blogiversary!
Thank You, Steph.
“*I hope to one day add a research department to our fine organization and so upgrade our status to the rank of Surface-Scratching, but until that time fact checking will remain strictly one of the more enjoyable aspects of trivia hockey.”
– Gee, and all along I thought it was the surface-scratching of your hind end that brought about the blog in the first place.
I echo the aforementioned congratulations and ego-inflating, but well-deserved, accolades. It is nearly always a delight to discover the OC in my inbox. It has broadened my horizons to almost match my hind end.
What can I add to that?
You are too funny and too kind. Give my best to your family.
Blappy Hogiversary! (Just wanted to mix it up a bit.)
Consider me both shaken and stirred.
Congrats!! I look forward another year of ridding our country of annoying celebs and and the creation of many more obscure, and as yet, unidentified non-species of animals, bacterial substances and politicians.
I have a feeling that ‘08 will the high-water mark of Dr. Toboggans’ career. (I base that assumption on the alarming amount of unstable people who frequent your awesome site)
Does Dr. T have a remedy for typo’s and missed words syndrome?
Well, it’s true. There is no blog quite like yours. On occasion when I feel like driving to St. Louis to ride a roller coaster or two, I simply click my RSS feed to the comma, and I feel the breeze of well-articulated humor flying past my head in no time at all. It seems to do the trick. Happy Blogiversary…
Thank you.
There was another blog like mine once, but I had to put it down in the interests of public safety.
As for the breeze, that’s hot air. It is freely dispensed by this publication in quantities that can not only dry damp hair on chilly mornings, but also defrost the windshields of entire used-car lots.
It’s not the most valued of products but it’s what we’ve got.
What did Dr. T. do to Dr. Venue? She called me in tears last night from Belize, rambling about french ticklers and garden gnomes.
As I have mentioned before, Swedish masseuses are definitely the preferred method for all who are serious about relaxation.
I tried to warn the doctor not to use the notoriously unshaven French message therapists due to their tendency to tickle rather than soothe, but listening is not of his psychiatric skills.
As for the gnome, your guess is as good as mine.
This was what you told us to expect a year ago:
“First of all, expect to be cheered, entertained and basically lavished with some of the the funniest contents of my overwrought brain.
Secondly, expect to receive regular, but not quite daily, installments of the aforementioned brain wroughtiness.
Thirdy, I like kittens.”
I don’t get the last one but we got what you told us with the first two.
Congrats on year one man. I still like you even with your kitten fetish. :P
Thank you Chris. I appreciate you not holding the kittens against me.
I have allergies.
Instant classic! I laughed my ass off.
The LOBOnian Republic -a tiny republic consisting of the mobile 10′ radius around myself- offers you our full support for a full-scale Tennesseenian assult.
… But alas -as I have blogged- I am bound by law to never set foot in Memphis again.
Can we rename it?
If not for those blasted Elvis impersonators, you and I would rule this town.
As it is, I will just have to settle for sole dominion. But I’ll make those smelly hunks of burning love pay dearly for their impertinence.
Congrats on your award, but don’t be setting your heart on north-west-central Idaho. I’ve almost got that sewn up. (It’s down to me and the local radio station farm report blog.)
Thank you Don, I appreciate your good will.
However, unless you had the foresight to use Tobaggons Industries Organ Needles, your territory is vulnerable. Nothing personal, but the humor business is not all sunshine and giggles.
Especially the sunshine part.
Especially where you are.
We love you in Tenessee…wait…I don’t live there.
ps - I dated that wankel smuggler and she looked better in her picture…
Most people on your end of the country love me in Tennessee too. It keeps me out of the way.
As for the wankel smuggler, I am wondering how more times we will need to mention that phrase until it becomes a SEO keyword for this site.
Happy Happy!
Yes.Yes.
Well happy first birthday to the Comma, hes growing quite big now isnt he…
He’s definitely grown too big for his britches, which was kind of embarrassing the way it happened on the Greyhound bus.
We’ve got him some spandex pants now. It’s not pretty but it’s a lot more hygienic.
Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Jim Carrey?
The sky is falling.
Yes, many times.
It really doesn’t help that my face is just as able and as likely to launch into startling expressions as his,often without my knowledge.
It generally causes my coworkers to either to crack-up or be very concerned for my mental stability.
Fun blog. We Vols gotta stick together. Of course next year I’m coming after your refrigerator stars. evil grin
I was over on your dangerous couch blog but couldn’t figure out how to comment over there the fact that I’d had a good giggle from it.
I relish the challenge. And I’m feeling rather mustardly about your giggles.
Keep in mind however that I am a recent and reluctant vol, the kind you get when everyone else takes a step back rather than stepping forward myself.
After seven years in Memphis, I am having to face the disturbing fact that I have become one of them.
(As long as Orkin doesn’t start recruiting from the NBA, I should be fine.)
Ex-Lax is always more readily available. And it’s more fun to pull pranks with. Can’t think of a single fun thing to do to someone involving lilacs. Not one single thing.
You mean other than the old lilac and sasquatch-pheromone in the toothpaste trick. Nothing brings out the urban met-yetis running faster.
Talk about watching the fur fly.
Here is to world domination in the next year
Absolutely. You take the North and I’ll take the South and we’ll meet in the middle for an epic sword battle, complete with life-force lightening and background music by queen.
But then again, I guess there could be more than one.
Gracefully Abnormal was WAAAAAAY right…I needed to get my virtual ass–which does me far better justice than my IRL one, I might add, over here. Dude…heefreakinglarious…you are bookmarked my brother…still laughing…
They are both welcome here. Come back any time. How does 15 minutes from now sound? Too long? Okay, 10 minutes it is.
Congrats. You responded to almost every post this time. I hope you didn’t fly away in a tornado.
I was going to, but Memphis PD impounded my broom after the whole flying monkey thing.
Let’s just hope they don’t look in the trunk.
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