Titanically Dismal Dishonor of Doom
By Brent Diggs on Feb 16, 2008 in Adventures of the Author, Humor
I had been a roll here at the Comma, at least publicity-wise.
It started with Don, who posted his undying admiration for me this humble site, over at It’s A Funny Thing . Then the Angry Tuna team* graciously allowed me to fabricate my own praises in a simply-stunning and mind-bogglingly entertaining interview of hyphenated-hyperbole.
I was waiting to hear from Chris Wallace about my next potential surge of fame, when certain artistic liberties I took in the Tuna interview regarding my work status over the President’s day weekend started coming back to haunt me. Specifically the fact that, despite certain implications I made to the contrary, I might actually…Okay I do… indeed have Monday off.
Unfortunately, it seems that the ever vigilant Authorities of Labor Oppression got wind of this indiscretion, because I was summarily assigned Surprise Overtime.
Today.
(A Less-Than-Happy-Saturday to you too, Your Oppressivenesses.)
Anyway I returned home, foot-worn and weary from a hard day of supervisory efforts, and went to drown my sorrows with the normally soothing and highly search-relevant comfort of the Comma, only to find myself assaulted with further indignity.
The discovery that Lobo, that cowardly shart, has besmirched my honor.
He mocks my punctuation, and possibly my spelling.**
He blames me for every problem he has, every mistake he makes, and everything that went wrong with his life.
And we’re not even married.
He does seem to have realized the magnitude of his blunder, seeing how at this very moment he is hiding behind the skirts of Lady Terri (or least her ankles)
But that’s not good enough.
I hereby call upon every member of the Ominous Comma Tambourine Army and Thespian Support Team to avenge my honor.
I insist that you give Lobo and his new collection of dust bunny friends What-For. You may also give him Where-For and How-For, but that’s strictly up to you.
This is simply the sort of lack of reverence to our Ominous Might thing we are not going to tolerate around here.
Happy Saturday to you.
(But not the ALO)
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*Chris-C and his multiple personalities. Don’t laugh; I heard they’re all cashing checks.
**I am helpless without I spell checker. And dangerous with one.
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I’m also keeping a weather eye on humor-blogs.com
whatever that means.
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This has been a Humor Memphis production.
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I’ve heard of men having pissing contests, spitting contests, break dancing contests and burping contests.
Never, in my long years on this Earth, have I heard of men dueling over grammar/spelling.
How will this work?
Will you each be given a paragraph and who(m?)ever finishes first with fewer mistakes (if any), wins?
No way would I compete. I’d get slaughtered!
Good luck to you both.
You know, I’m as politically correct as the next inebriated inbreed, but I must say that I am glad that you are seeing your place in this affair.
When men punctuate, women should stand clear.
It’s just better that way.
Oh no no no Mr. Comma, you should deal with one duel before you start another…
We women, do not take any prisoners.
What do you take?
Patience? Visa? The trash out to the curb?
“trash out to the curb”, why yes, how’d you guess.
Did I just rhyme?
Anyway, as a good citizen of the Earth, I take my trash to the curb and divide it as follows:
Plastic, paper, glass and men with funny fake moustaches.
The ones with funny real moustaches I keep in my garage.
There is a bit of a chicken or egg problem here. It is difficult to tell who wrote what first, and you have link each others’ posts inversely. Thereby making it impossible to tell who struck first. However, my duty is to defend the honor of the Comma. Viva La punctuation!! So cower in fear Lobo! We are coming to vacuum away your little dust bunny friends and give you a much needed hair cut!
Let’s set things straight here:
Lobo linked perversely, I linked conversely, and everyone else is blinking transversely trying to figure out what is going on.
I’m glad we had this little talk.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Looks like your basic 80’s DJ to me, Air Supply, Boston, Eagles. This was before Britney Spears went into rehab for the 13th time.
On the contrary, the black guitars in the background clearly mark Lobo as an aficionado of the heavier scene: Meatloaf, Tenacious D, Pavarotti.
Sir, this is indeed the last straw. This cruel act cannot go unanswered!
Witness my fury as demonstrated by snapping this pencil cleanly in twain -followed by a horrible stream of obscenities unleashed in garage cuz I hadda saw through it a bit first!
Cower before my vast battalion of bloodthirsty three-legged dust bunnies! (Don’t judge me. I need the luck … I invested the bulk of LadyTerri’s 401k on scratch-off lottery tickets.)
And remember what the bottom of your mailbox looked like? Well burn that image into your mind as you shall never see it again: as my coup de grâce, I shall sign you up for the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes!
Twice!
How could you?
This takes things to while new level of personal vindictiveness.
You better hope my elevator doesn’t still go that far.
I’m not sure whether to join the fray, or stand back and wait until the dust settles. On the one hand, I am a member in good standing of the Tambourine Army (despite several requests for me to leave.)
On the other hand, The Lobo is threatening PCH entries and attacks by dust bunnies. I’m torn.
Well I’m not! (Torn that is.)
I think this kind of thing has gone on long enough. Its time we take sides! We can no longer continue to allow these kinds of baseless and scurrilous (thank God for spell checkers) attacks to be made upon decent and upright humor bloggers. That’s why I’m throwing the full reach (12 on a good day) and might of my blog behind that Paragon of humor writing excellence…(message truncated)
Dave Barry called and said to tell you thanks for throwing your blog behind him, but asked that you work on your aim a bit.
“When getting stitches, Dave Barry always insists on Toboggans’ Industries Organ Needles.
Toboggans, the first name in cranial repair”
“Chris-C and his multiple personalities. Don’t laugh; I heard they’re all cashing checks”
All part of the plan to cash in on the Economic Stimulus thingy. Chris C + The Tuna = $1,200.
Yes, I made sure The Tuna filed a tax return. You’d be amazed at how easily it is to create a second identity. Just ask Andy Dufresne. :)
So, you’re in prison?
That would explain a lot.
I’ve never been called to action before, its quite exciting.
Yes, but you have been caught in action with many notable celebrities, if the press are to be believed.
Proving once again that standing around in a speedo is the most compromising position of all.
My business with the baldwin family is mine and theirs alone, I would thank you to stop advertising it.
Fiar Smash!
Yes, excellent work…but next time let’s not start the smashing until we get to enemy territory.
I suppose I needed a new server anyway.
I like commas, I use commas, and I stand here wielding a comma at this very moment, but I like Lobo, so I think I’ll just put my commas away. Couldn’t this be like you say to-may-to, I say to-ma-to? Call the whole thing off guys?
This is a matter of honor.
Cost, whether measured in dollars or destroyed countries, is no object.
I must be avenged.
Or binged.
Or possibly unhinged.
He started it!
I started a blog, that’s all.
How could I know it become a center of gravity for all the random phobias and neurosis strewn across the internet?
On second thought, I guess hiring Doctor Toboggans should have been a clue.
I love seeing bloggers give each other hand outs.
The only hand Lobo will receive from me is the form of fisticuffs.
Which I guess places this whole exchange in the category of cuff-links.
The only gentlemanly way to sort this whole sorry mess out is to have a shockingly violent punch-up, resulting in the loser lying on the floor in a pool of their own blood, tears and misappropriated punctuation.
I will happily adjudicate.
You are probably right, which is precisely why I never had much use for being a gentleman.
Rocket launchers at twelve paces is what I say.
Will this Blogging Battle for a New Blog Order and the control of Comma Comedy be decided in the Hallow Hall of Lord Likely?
It says here that I can have my comment in a smaller or larger size. I object to having such decisions thrust upon me at this hour in the morning! It’s enough to send me into a comma - and what about the semi-colons, anyway? Whoever has a word to say about them, huh, huh? Be careful or I will mention colons and you know what a can of worms that can open.
Punctuation is far too serious a subject (note the clever juxtaposition with the word “object” in the second sentence) to be debated publicly.