How to Win an Argument Meme - Part 1
By Brent Diggs on May 21, 2007 in Adventures of the Author, Humor
I have been challenged by Ploop.
I do not refer to the Pilfered Livery Of Outrageous Proportions, that would be PLOOP, which is far too silly to be mentioned in a post of this magnitude of seriousness. What I am referring to is Ploop, the enigmatic authors of Plooptionary, who has recognized the scarcely tapped wealth of wisdom and ego residing at the Ominous Comma and has challenged me to meme.
Some of you may be wondering what exactly a meme is. I am too. I thought of looking it up on Wikipedia, but in keeping with my unwavering commitment to research avoidance, I decided to simply fabricate something.
So let me start by say that I love meme. I also love writing about meme. After all, if there is anything I enjoy writing about more than me, it would definitely meme, or me² as sophisticated fiction manufacturers like myself prefer to call it.
The challenge, that I have almost completely drifted away from, was to write a post about winning an argument. My experiences sharing a website with two raving egomaniacs, have given me plenty of argument hours to draw from, although few of them could technically be considered victorious. But since both Herman Fording and Dr. Toboggans are both gloriously absent right now, allow me to take this opportunity to put forth a few opinions of my own.
Many people think that the best way to win an argument is to be right. These people clearly spend too much time with computers and other logical entities, because when it comes to arguing with actual human beings, factual accuracy is strictly optional. If you doubt this, simply tune into the world of politics for a day or two and you will discover how truly right I am. Although, as I pointed out two sentences ago, my supreme rightness may not prevent you from arguing with me anyway. You’re just stubborn that way.
So with no further delay, here is how dedicated Comma reader like yourself can win some arguments:
One brilliant strategy is to redefine your terms. Find something that your opponent will agree with and subtly change it to mean something you are trying to prove. This is fairly simple to do with broad, abstract terms like “faith,” and “spirituality,” but can be challenging with more specific concepts like “you are a brainless stench bag.”
Once you master this technique you can often end an argument without your opponent ever realizing that you have won. For example, when arguing with my wife, I will frequently demonstrate my dominance and verbal sparing skill with cryptically redefined phrases like “yes, dear,” and “you are absolutely right.”
If the previous approach is too subtle for you, you can always go to the other extreme and engineer a cataclysmic emotional escalation in the hope that your opponent will have a heart attack or perhaps apoplexy, leaving you with the upper hand in the debate. It might take a couple of days of argument to sufficiently elevate his blood pressure, but if you are persistent, you can have the satisfaction of sending smug get-well card to your opponent’s hospital room, while you bask in the glow of your superior cardiovascular endurance.
Finally, no argument meme would be complete without some mention of bringing in reinforcements. For example, a crowd of yes-men can make the even most insipid ideas seem…actually, it just makes it worse.
Scrap that idea altogether.
What I meant to say was leverage. The final key to winning argument is to use the leverage of a higher authority. Reference the Surgeon General, the Village People, or even the H. Ross Perot.
A perfect use of this technique would be a note that simply reads:
“Brent is always right. If you forget that I will plant a reminder in your brainstem.”
-Chuck Norris.
So, with the help of the Ominous Comma, debate dominance is within your grasp. Memorize and implement these inspired strategies and soon, you too, will begin to recognize the long forgotten thrill of victory.
Be sure to check out the other responders: Lord Likely, Beenzzz, Mr. P, and JellyJules.
But don’t let me be a windbag, tell me your best ways to win an argument.
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Brilliant strategy for winning an argument. I have found on many occasions that the use of the Village People as a higher authority, helps me to defeat my opponent.
Thank you, when it comes to brilliant I am just one of the happy shiny people.
I am also one of the hiney slappy people too, but I try not to talk about that.
a meme, really? what happened to being original? There you go again smoking that KOOL along with everyone else….
My daughter wins all arguments with
“It just that my tummy hurts.”
What can I say, it was a challenge. It must be some mutated form of hormone poisoning that compelled me to compete.
I kind of like Steve Pavlina’s (personal development coach for smart people) approach:
“Instead of trying to be right, I’ve found that the best way to win an argument is to go for an entirely different goal. This has worked for me every time I’ve applied it, and I’ve used it dozens of times.
If you aren’t trying to win the argument, then what is your goal? I suggest you set the goal of attempting to raise the other person’s awareness while maintaining your own sense of inner peace. By this I mean that you focus on helping the other person become more aware of the full extent of their behavior and how it affects you and others, but without taking ownership of anything the other person says.
This means you keep your focus on the other person and their behavior. Whenever s/he tries to pigeonhole you into a negative role, you simply side-step their comments and then redirect their own energy back upon them. In a way it’s like verbal martial arts. Never defend against any of their comments. Simply redirect the comments back to the person.
In other words, you don’t attack — ever. You merely deflect the other person’s attacks back to them, over and over. You become like a mirror. So the more the other person tries to attack you, the more they weaken themselves. People can’t punch themselves in the face for too long.
If someone were to try to attack me in an argument, I would just say things like, “You seem to be fairly upset about this. Why do you think that is?” or “So you’re saying you’d like to feel free to disregard my requests if you don’t agree with them. Is that correct?” or “Is this how you’d like to continue to feel about this situation?” or “Do you feel your behavior towards me is honorable and respectful?”
Stay focused on the other person and their feelings, not your own. But don’t take ownership of anything they say. Simply allow it to pass through you like a knife through water and come out the other side. And metaphorically speaking, keep asking the person about the knife they’re holding and how they feel about it.
Usually the other person will start by answering all my questions with the words, “Because you…” My goal is to help guide the other person to focus on their own feelings, and I know I’m making progress when their answers begin taking the form of “Because I…” I help them to take ownership of their feelings.
Remember that if someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, the other person still owns that gift. The same is true of insults and verbal attacks. In order for there to be any sting to the attack, you must accept it. Simply decline the “gift” and the other person won’t be able to land a single blow no matter how hard they try. Be like air or water — if they try to attack you, they merely wear themselves out.
This takes practice, but it works extremely well. The key is to put yourself into a state of compassion and empathy and keep reminding yourself that the negativity isn’t about you — it’s an internal issue the other person is dealing with. So whatever the other person says, you simply reflect it back to them. This will have the effect of raising the other person’s awareness. Many times people can’t handle that, so they’ll either blow up emotionally or give up. Either way, it helps put an end to the previous destructive argument and paves the way for something better to emerge.”
Or you can do it Dave Barry’s way:
HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT
by Dave Barry?
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
• Drink Liquor.
Suppose you’re at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
• Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you’re damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say “You left your soiled underwear in my bath house.”
• Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
o Let me put it this way
o In terms of
o Vis-a-vis
o Per se
o As it were
o Qua
o So to speak
oh
I guess I could have just posted the link huh?
The best way to win an argument is oh so simple if my opponent is male… or named Big Bertha.
Flash the girls = argument over.
Duh.
Good day! Thank you very much for the mention today. You have made an old man very happy. I do not know who the old man is, but he definitely seemed very happy, at any rate.
Yep, Sher. I’ve lost many an argument that way. Very quickly. I didn’t stand a chance. It’s like: Flash, over. I loose. Actually, I’m making that up. I WISH I lost arguments that way. That would make me sound cooler. It’s just me vs. the wife. And that’s no contest. Still, I’ll tell her you suggested to flash the girls. I wouldn’t mind that.
Debbie,
Your argument insight was great. I decided to use it on Dr. T. After Fording stood us (me) up the other day to cover some bogus story about an honest lawyer in LA, I decided to go to Dr. T and try to rationalize with him why I did not need to go back to prison. When that didn’t work, I just kept asking him things like, “Why do you feel that would not work?” and “What makes you believe that prison is better?” After several miliseconds of this, he got frustrated, and was going to give me a shot.
So, I did the only thing I could. I told him that I would accept the meds on the condition that he not put back in prison, and I promise not to give Fording a word of my story. So I guess sometimes the best forms of argument are negotiation.
By the way, I slipped the meds to the squirrel. That is why he is so “odd.”
Meh! Cool! So meme has something related with meh? I don’t know. : )
PS - I’m aware of the situation that you might go too far although I’m sure that you’re aware of it. Just a short reminder. Just try to get not too emotional when it becomes boiled too much. Just in case. ;-)
Debbie,
That you for your voluminous contribution, Steve and Dave are always trying that stuff out on me whenever we get together at the Widely Respected Writers Club, but they never win.
Sher,
I am scribbling down notes to give to my wife, if I am going to lose (and I am)I might as well enjoy it.
N.B.
Keep hope alive, my friend, your losses will someday pay off.
Lynn,
Try to stay out of trouble this time.
Bluewater,
I am a trained professional fictionator, when it comes to what I do,you probably shouldn’t try it home.
I too was on the verge of looking up what meme means. Thank christ and christmas that i read your post before embarking on such a plan.
the avoidance of research - now there’s a faith i can finally subscribe to.
As pretty much a Ploop hermit who rarely ventures past the door I’m greatly enjoying visiting the other sites that are engaging in this ‘meme’.
The ominous comma is a terrific site and i’m pleased to make it’s acquaintance.
Lynn,
I was so pissed that little turd head stood you (us) up!
So glad Steve’s “verbal martial arts” assisted you in your negotiation with Dr. T.
You’re free!!!!!!!!!
Now grab the squirrel because it’s time to hunt down Fording. Nobody stands us up and gets away with it. Nobody.
Sher - my husband tried that once — it didn’t work for him.
Debbie - oh
rj-
I usually do not venture beyond The Comma, but I did vote for you on the Diesel/Spidey caption contest.
Nothing more to add except I did look up in the dictionary for the meaning of meme and it said “moi-moi”. On realising I had the wrong dictionary I gave up and guessed the meaning and added my tuppence worth of argument tactics to Ploop’s list..
Debbie,
If we’re going to LA, we may need to brush up on our Spanish.
Ed,
I find that dictionaries are in constant need of upgrade these days. (As you can see here.)
As for your tuppence, I suddenly feel inspired to launch a line of TuppencewareTM thought storage containers. They would be guaranteed to keep your coinage fresh and your wit sharp. I think it will be a big seller.
Lynn and Debbie,
…Never mind, keep chatting amongst yourselves.
RJ,
Strangely, women just aren’t susceptible to that type of hormone poisoning, they are able to argue on in conditions that would leave a man without rational thought.
Some would say that is because women have no rational thought to lose.
Personally, I think that the monthly cycle of female hormone poisoning leave them immune to other forms of chemical anarchy.
I’m scared. I think I actually understood this. Bravo!