Love Letters To A Manly Chunk Of Masculine Authorship
By Brent Diggs on Nov 19, 2007 in Humor
People sometimes ask me how long it takes to write these posts, and I always give the same truthful answer:
Too long.
I really don’t want to boast for more than a couple hundred words or so, but the work of a serious humorist is not easy, it requires persistence, dedication, and obscene quantities of coffee.
And once you make it out of bed, it gets even more challenging.
Anyway, all this laborious authorship tends to take a while, which sometimes tests the patience of my family. Especially since I can be difficult to contact while I am in my writing-trance. In fact, as I consult my pillowed dictionary, and practice my ritual snores, I am often mistaken for being asleep. Which of course is not the case, I am just concentrating.
Very, very deeply.
And frequently, as I return to a more mundane state of consciousness, I will find a communiqué from the lovely and ever gracious Hot Comma Momma, delicately reminding me of my household responsibilities.
Here is a collection of recent correspondence from Her Loyal Hotness:
Honey,
It sounds like that sasquatch got back into the basement again. The kids probably left the window open. Can you take care of it? I left the cattle prod and pepper spray on the kitchen table for you.Love Always
-HCM
,,,,,
Honey,
Could you pick up your alien artifacts out of the living room? The girls are coming over tonight to watch some movies. You remember how upset you got last time when Debbie put the onion dip in the trans-dimensional electro-ponder.Love
-HCM
,,,,,
Honey,
The auto-cloner is acting up again. It’s putting out a puppy every hour and I’m running out of newspaper. Please see what you can do.Lots of Love
-HCM
,,,,,
Honey,
The kids have been telling people that you died in an oil fire again. Perhaps you’re working too hard. Please talk to them. In person this time, no holograms. Remember, these are the days that we will always cherish. Good luck honey.Love
-HCM
“We have to be strong. Daddy wouldn’t want us to disgrace his memory by getting all blubbery.”
Honey,
There’s some government-looking men parked in a van outside the house. They’ve been out there all week so today I took them some sandwiches. They’re the nicest surveillance team yet.So, is there anything you want to tell me?
Waiting Patently
-HCM
You’ll have to excuse me, all this writing has worn me out. I have to go concentrate again.
—–
This post is dosing off over at humor-blogs.com
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hahha hot momma comma. fantastic blog, i enjoy intelligent humor
Thank you, I try to humor intelligently. A task complicated by my inability to pass up an opportunity for bathroom humor.
It takes a wonderful lady to be able to readily recognise government stooges, you must be a lucky man.
More than you know, Your Popeliness.
I can take the auto-cloner off your hands for a while — I need to rake some leaves. m.
No problem, but remember the lesson of Multiplicity: never make a copy of copy or you’ll have a retarded Micheal Keeton on your hands.
And no amount of liquid handsoap will help you with that.
i cant get this out of my head now…! “help us daddy ominous comma! you’re our only hope.” LOL.
Great — now I can’t stop picturing HCM in those ridiculous Leia doughnut hair thingys! (sorry camille!)
GREAT! now *I* want a big swirly donut with caramel on top! *teehee*
Roann,
As you recall, I recently cut 6 inches off my hair. Donuts are not a viable option right now, unless earmuffs count.
Don’t listen to HCM, I’ve ridden along with her enough to know that she could do donuts while shaven bald.
I’m getting motion sick just thinking about it.
I’m laughing so hard just reading the title to your post and thinking oh wait there’s more…
Speaking of large quantities of coffee, I think I’m overdue on my contribution to your latté fund…I’ll have to rectify that at once.
If there ever was any doubt the HCM is the most wonderful wife in the world this post is sure to clarify. (was that a complete sentence (?) we’ll just pretend it was…)
Great pic of the Comma kids, although I do detect a tad bit of mischievousness. Hmmm……
(sorry about the transdimensional electro-ponder…did I do that?)
It’s ok Debbie, it was time for routine maintenance anyway!
Thank you Debbie,
Fortunately, the Alpha-Centarians believe in craftsmanship, it takes more than dried on onions to slow down one of their transponders.
Bean-dip, however, is an entirely different proposition.
Great post! Have you had to explain yet why there’s a tricycle in the tree in the front yard?
I don’t know why the wife automatically assumes it’s my fault when something like that turns up.
I warned you about catapult. It was bound to fall into the wrong hands.
Thanks Wolf.
Nice post there. Rickey approves of it. Well done.
Thank you, if Ricky likes it, it can’t be half bad.
Of course, it may not be half good either.
Hmmmmmm.
No melon?
She put me on the grub diet after seeing how well it worked out for you.
Thanks for that.
Obviously the Hot Comma Momma is a woman with great patience, good genes (I’m pretty sure those adorable children don’t look like YOU Dr.Tobbagganananaic), and an amazing amount of calm in the midst of chaos. Because I’m also pretty sure that chaos follows the Ominous Comma Poppa around with great regularity. You should go out and buy that lovely woman some flowers and chocolates immediately.
You know quite a bit about our family, Karen. Do you drive a white government van?
You are right though, the Hot Comma Momma is stupendously great, and I award her with gifts as often as I am able. And conscious.
“Manly Chunk of Masculine Authorship,” is really a cry for help. Dr. T needs to see you in his office A.S.A.P!
As a responsible citizen, I just can’t cross the police tape blocking his door.
I wonder what he has done this time?
A real man writes using nothing more than his manhood, while simultaneously knocking back numerous brandies and flicking cigar ash upon the head of a terrified street urchin.
My three urchins spread my ashes across the flower garden. And I wasn’t even dead.
HCM is the best. I get in trouble when my auto clone spits out a puppy every DAY- and you get away with every hour? Lucky, man.
The biggest challenge is that we are running our of names for them all.
We’ve got two Hildabrands, four Bogarts, six Ruperts, and a Ogden.
And that was just today.
Anything involving obscene quantities of coffee sounds good to me. HCM must be an extraordinary woman to put up with all those trans-dimensional electro-ponders you leave lying around. So, you want to clue us in on what those electro-ponder thingies are for? ;)
I think that might have to wait for another day. But let’s just say that faxing things across the galaxy takes some perseverance.
Too many times I have been deep in writer’s concentration only to be yanked out of it when somebody asks, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m just thinking,” I respond, then wonder if I’m the only one who practices that activity while doing absolutely nothing else.
It’s good for the soul.
-Melissa Donovan
Writing FORWARD
I completely agree. It is also very difficult to accomplish these days.
I need a vacation to a deserted island or something, just to get my thoughts in order.
Or perhaps Alpha-Centari.
Sorry it took me so long go get back to you all, things have been hectic.
Thank you Your Hotliness for filling in.
I know what trans-dimensional eloctro-ponders are, and now I finally know where to send the cleaning bill for the 642 gallons of onion dip that mysteriously appeared in our attic last spring.
I can neither confirm nor deny any onion related activities.
You’re really Douglas Adams, aren’t you? You just faked your death a few years back. Admit it.
Otherwise, you’re a damned good substitute. Excuse me, I need a wet cloth to wipe up the soft drink that just shot out of my nose.
Regards,
The Uncanny Broadcasting Brain
P.S. I’m this amused just by reading the comments section. I have high expectations for the post itself.
Thank you Mark,
Douglas is on death support right now, you know, for tax reasons.
I am just a sugary substitute that owed him some money.
As for your soft drink, we recommend that everyone cover their entire workstation in cellophane before hazarding the arcane mysteries of the Comma.
You’re one lucky guy :)
P.S. I love your no-nonsense humor. Keep it up :)