CEO Gets Severance After 45 Minute Stint
By Brent Diggs on Feb 2, 2007 in Humor, News Lite, Satire
News Lite: 98% Less Factual Information Than Regular News
Chicago- Dynateknomatic CEO, Lance Corpuscle, resigned yesterday after holding the job for a little over forty-five minutes. He is scheduled to receive a $210 million severance package for what a Dynateknomatic spokesman called “his long commitment to this company.”
In a prepared statement this morning Corpuscle said “Even before I took the job, I was committed to the goals, traditions and large executive compensations of this company. It is truly a leader in its chosen field of doing whatever it is that it does.”
In response to critics who contend that Corpuscle never executed anything during his brief tenure at the company, Dynateknomatic released a statement as well, stating that “A CEO’s very presence at a company emits strong leadership, lulls investors, and calms troubled markets. In this capacity, Mr. Corpuscle has added substantial value to this company.”
Corpuscle’s departure follows the two week reign of previous chief executive, John Capital. He will be replaced by James Newwhipple, current VP in charge of government subsidies. Newwhipple has also released a statement stating that his first task as CEO will be to track down where all the prepared statements go after being released, and also to discover the source of Dynateknomatic’s record-setting unprofitably.
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Are you sure it was 45, I heard it was 46.
On the subject of crooked business pratices,
Re: The pet food recall:
Meanwhile, the chief financial officer of Menu Foods Income Fund, the parent company of the initial pet food maker involved in the recall, says it’s just a “horrible coincidence” that he sold nearly half his shares of the company less than three weeks before the massive recall.
JOhn O.
[…] my tenth and eleventh years my name remained firmly and stolidly Brent Diggs, but somewhere around year twelve I suffered an identity crisis thanks to certain aunts, uncles, […]