Humoron Shortage Hits U.S. Writers
By Brent Diggs on Aug 27, 2007 in Humor
Yesterday, I was visited by representatives of the department of humor security. It seems that there is humoron* shortage and I have be asked, in a spirit of community patriotism, to stop wasting vital humor resources on projects as trivial as this blog. Apparently my humble attempts at humor are draining the inter-dimensional supply of ridiculousity required by the government for its continued operation.
“As you can see sir, the problem is located here at the Ominous Comma North American Headquarters.”
As it was explained to me, the government uses currents of humoron flux to infuse its hierarchy with a continuing supply of apathy and insensitivity required for efficient government service. This of course creates huge volumes of irony, perfect for sharing with the world. Unfortunately, tapping into this irony somehow short circuits the whole operation, and in the process make everyone involved look really silly.
I had always considered any silliness, or lack thereof, in an individual’s appearance to be a personal problem, to solved by the proper application of whatever level of intelligence each individual is gifted with. However, since many organization are specifically designed to bypass the native intelligence of their members, my approach is often considered a threat, frequently answered with violence, intimidation, and torturously bad elevator music delivered over long periods of telephone “hold time.”.
After several hours of low-quality government-issue jokes, the agents let me off with a stern warning, threatening the worst from federal auditors and proctologists if I did not restrict my writing to only the most serious of matters, avoiding all levity, mockery, and mirth.
“Remember men, Don’t fire until you hear the click of his keyboard.”
I have no idea what I will do. If I stop being funny I could lose my audience, not to mention my coveted listing on humor-blogs.com.
Clearly, there is no easy path from here, but I will keep all both of you posted about any late breaking news in this exciting story.
——-
*Sub-atomic particles of humor energy. Although not quite technically proven, their existence would explain a lot about the present ridiculous state of the world, as well as giving clues to understanding past and future states of planetary ridiculousness. Discover the humorons role in intelligent humor here.
Mysteriously listed among some funny writers at humor-blogs.com
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Om-Com, You MUST continue to write! Let’s set up underground tunnels so you can escape to Canada. Or pass your posts around by a means less noticeable by the DoD. Like, paper. You should just mail all your readers your news. We’ll call it “a news paper”. Now hurry! Go go go! Shhh
Get ready to write while I distract them with MREs and a keg of Coors Light! By the time your done writing, half of them will be naked and the rest will be too constipated to shoot straight.
Your best yet! Love it Brent!
I don’t believe it is possible for you to stop. I bet you popped out of your mom spouting humor.
Brent,
The true irony lies in the subtle attempt the government is making to secretly upgrade its image by making you the HEAD of the Humor Security Department. The visit was actually and interview. After a top secret evaluation of your blog, the powers that be realized your brand of humorons is all the world really needs. (Yours and rj’s)
Not only can you continue writing but now the world depends on you. No pressure though.
P.S. Must include this in your “Best of the Comma”
Is that Jerry Lewis in the first picture?
Sally, that would explain the previous over-abundance of humorons until Brent came on the scene.
Debbie, are you saying that Brent can kill the humor just by showing up?
No, just the opposite. There were plenty of humorons to go around when Jerry Lewis was president of the Dept. of Humor Security because he was not funny. Now that Brent makes everyone and their brother laugh…there are no humorons left for the government to manipulate.
You will learn Sally that everyone interprets Brent’s postings with their own set of idiosyncrasies, so I apologize for my brain’s spin on today’s post (that and I have a lot of down time at work during the day). I’m still trying to figure out what Chris means by an MRE???
Debbie,
Is it Meals Ready to Eat? BTW I don’t have any idiosycrazies. Just ask my family.
Debbie,
PS where do you work that you get much down time?
“Apparently my humble attempts at humor are draining the inter-dimensional supply of ridiculousity required by the government for its continued operation.”
Somehow, I just don’t think that would ever happen. The government generates enough “ridiculosity” to outlast all the world’s oil supply, to inspire Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, not to mention Hannity and O’Reilly, who are so absurdly funny that all you can do is laugh at them (or else you would cry). Hey, maybe there’s an idea — figure out how to generate electricity from government-produced humorons. Or better still, how to gerenate it from government morons, of which there is no shortage.
Why thank you Sally, and please don’t tell Chris I had to ask. He teases me enough.
I’m a loan processor for a real estate / mortagage company. With the housing market down and the new guideline shake up to the sub-prime mortgage lending (eventhough my company processes mostly A paper loans) industry pending, I do not have sh*t to do.
When it all levels out I will be busy again. It is a very stressful market when it is in full swing.
MRE is Meals Ready to Eat and yes they do make one very constipated, so Chris is absolutely correct on that one.
Sally,
Everyone has idiosycrazies. Yours is how you spell the word idiosyncrasies with a “z” clearly indicating that there is a level of crazy there that I’m quite positive your parents would agree with.
Debbie,
This last post of Brent’s was simply amazing. I agree that this one needs to go into the “Best of.” Hope that you are well.
Sally,
BTW, I remember you before the idiosyncrazies began, a.k.a. before the kids.
You go to war with the government-issued jokes you have, not, necessarily the government-issued jokes you need or want …or whatever. The messenger may be dispatched with, but irony lives on. Long live rediculousity!
Anyone up for the Monty Python “Killer Joke”?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8I3zCQzZx68
Lynn,
How do I know you?
Clever Rumsfeld reference Karl.
Monty Python = tears and belly ache laughter! Good way to start the morning.
It is not fair for the government to come down upon this humble operation. The truth of the matter is : For years we have been importing large amounts of humorons form our neighbor to the north. (Canada).
It is understandable how this imbalance evolved. Since no one in Canada has a sense of humor there is no practical use for them there. This cheap and seemingly endless supply of humorons has caused the domestic suppliers to shut down their operations.
No one foresaw the tremendous increase in demand that has resulted from having a Democratically controlled congress coupled with the Republican controlled white house.
There is also the increased pressure from China. Since there are more happy people in China now then ever there is an ever increasing pressure on the supply.
According to the latest government figures, the problem is not a lack of raw material. It is a shortage of refineries. Everyone wants humor, but nobody wants a “laugh factory” in their backyard.
John O.
That actually makes perfect sense John O.
John O.,
At this very moment my neighbors are protesting my operation of this humor production facility in their neighborhood.
They say we are not zoned for industrial strength ridiculousity.
I say they should invest in a mirror before casting judgment.
Sally,
Lynn is a bit of a know it all. Ever since her imprisonment at Dr. Toboggans secret laboratory she has never been quite the same.
No one knows what twisted experiments she was subjected to, much less what effect they might have had on her. She may be clairvoyant as far as we know.
She may even be Clariol-intolerant, relying exclusively on Maybelline for all her cosmetic needs.
We just don’t know.
Curse you Dr. T!
How long has she been out? Anything you can do for her?
I’ll play the part of the strait(man) woman so you can keep the jokes flying. It is easier than trying to compete with you humor greatness.
Actually, by implying that I have competition, you cause me to break forth in great fits of world-conquesting laughter.
I’m talking “There’s nothing you can do to stop me 007″ laughter.
Serious laughter and occasional songs of bravado and bluster, usually involving kitchen implements and global dominion.
Yes, you slay me.
you sing and cook, wow Camille is very lucky to have found you.(sorry Camille I know it is the other way around)
sorry I have to revert to junior high putdowns to attempt to be funny.
Other Humoron news:
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Last name pronounced “Ami-a-shaggy-goat)
Announced today that despite threatened UN sanctions his nation would continue their humoron enrichment program.
Ahmadinejad elaborated by saying that his nation has a long standing tradition of “funniness” pointing out a recent public flogging as an example.
UN spokesman Amind Madeoftaffy responded quickly and stated that unless Iran promises to think about changing their Humoron program he would be sponsoring UN resolution UNT-137. If passed by the security council all future imports of wire coat hangers would be banned. (except for those needed for humanitarian purposes).
John O.
is this thing on?
It is on and it’s not the only thing, John. You are definitely on your game game today.
I am now laughing the laughter of envy, wishing that I had thought of Humoron enrichment and Amind Madeoftaffy.
You’re good John, really good.
I believe there may be some WMDs you could deploy to help your cause, Mr. Brent.
I refer of course to ‘Witticisms of Much Delight’.
Ok, in the first picture is a man in uniform but he is wearing a brown shirt and blue pants.
I don’t know why but this disturbs me. I can’t figure out if it is the fact that an army would allow their soldiers to wear pants that color and still expect to kick ass, or the fact that wearing those color pants make you look retarded.
Is that belt a Batman Crimefighter Starter Kit version?
Brent,
Is your mind made of Taffy.
Is it possible that amind madeoftaffy is a relative of yours, Brent?
Sally and Debbie,
MRE, in this case means Meals Refusing to Exit.
Chris C,
That’s what is so great about being a Marine. We can wear any color we want and still kick but. Wanta see? J/k
Good one Chris!
The Iranian Humoron story continues to unfold:
As announced earlier this week, United Nations ambassador Amind Madeoftaffy stated that unless Iran promises to think about changing their mind about continuing their Humoron enrichment program, the UN will have no choice other then to enforce a strict embargo of all wire coat hangers (except those for humanitarian purposes). He latter added that the Security Council was also considering banning all pork products from the Muslim nation as well.
When asked to comment Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Last name pronounced “Ami-a-shaggy-goat”) said that his nation would not be intimidated and that all Humoron production would continue. He went on to claim that Iran has already processed enough material to support a 5 minute David Letterman monologue. (If true this would be enough material to supply Fox television humor at their current level for the next 48 months)
A spokesman from the American State Department speaking on the condition of anonymity said that he felt the claims were greatly exaggerated.
Where did you ever ge suck a great pic?? That was awesome!
Hope they didn’t mistake your sneeze for a keyboard click.
Army it is good, especially ours, however tell, what you there did?