The internet is the great equalizer, making a raging democracy of voices and viewpoints available for the attention of the world. Every person with an opinion and a computer can start a weblog and with comment options turned off, and trackbacks disabled, these same people can even be assured of always being “right.”

However, unless you are the recipient of lottery winnings or perhaps a multi-million dollar out-of-court settlement, you are still going to have to hold some sort of gainful employment.

I recommend holding it loosely, at arms length, to minimize your shame and degradation.

The problem with having a day job, aside from general suckfulness and the and the risk of getting fired for blogging about your boss’s personality quirks, is that not all careers are compatible with blogging. This leaves the would-be blogger in a difficult balancing act between the bill-paying necessity of a real job and glamorous, yet highly-unpaid excitement as an amateur writer.

As part of my ongoing service to the online community, I have taken the liberty of providing a short list of careers to avoid when considering a future in blogging.

Evil Dictator

The ego inflating inherent in this position, combined with the inevitable erosion of patience brought about by unquestioned power, make dictators particularly unsuitable for blogging.

On the other hand, with forced subscriptions and the mandatory readership of a suitably large population , you may actually achieve every blogger’s dream of internet fame.

James Bond Villain

With an audience of passive internet drones numbering in the millions, the temptation to monologue your evil plans would simply be too great. Every conspiracy would be announced and every evil plot given away in longwinded declarations of criminal genius, with devastating results for you and your organization.

However, an intranet blog is a viable option, to keep your minions informed of upcoming dastardly activities and corporate awards such as Henchmen of the Day.

Superhero

long hours, secret identities and vengeful villains combine to make this career a bad fit for blogging. Between saving the world, maintaining a cover job, and the occasional superhero summit, where would you find the time?

Warehouse Manager, Memphis in the Summer Time

Operating out of a lovely suburb of Hades, holders of this position are just too busy, too hot*, and too frustrated for witty repartee and intelligent banter. Sentiments are usually restricted to “Because I said so,” “Let’s keep it moving,” and “When was the last time I fired you?” Blogging, especially with the goal of humor, is simply not an option.

So as we have seen, the joys of blogging are not for everyone. Acquiring the right day job, if not complete financial independence, is critical to your blogging success. You may wonder if there are other keys to weblog domination. There are. The next one is: “Never give up all your secrets at once,” but you’ll have to keep come back another day to get that one.

I have divulged enough for one day.

——-

* Scientists have recently discovered evidence linking profuse sweating with humor erosion. Leading theories purpose that humoron particles literally escape from the body through the sweat glands. In response to these findings, many high profile humorists have accepted lucrative endorsement contracts with bottled water and air conditioning manufacturers.

I am still accepting offers.

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