Intelligent Humor for the Enlightened Masses
By Brent Diggs on May 14, 2007 in Humor
I have been reading up on Search Engine Optimization lately and my research has inspired me to try and clarify the focus and purpose of the Ominous Comma, in the hope of reaching a greater percentage of my internet neighbors with the glad tidings of my existence.
Regular readers will have already grasped the humorous intent of these pages, but since my presentation is often very highbrow and almost always very, very, very dry, causal observers, may they be human or search engine, may not immediately grasp the point of all this Very Exciting Nonsense.
Regular readers may also recall a similar effort a few months ago, namely my spectacular sellout, in which I boldly inserted the world ’humor’ into my subtitle in a valiant attempt to garner more attention for this site. Search engines however, seem to have no respect for effort, and the exhaustive restructuring of nearly a dozen letter in my top- part- header- thingy has so far brought me very little in the way of visitors. Some people would say that the problem lay in my Search Optimization skills. Those people would be wrong. The real problem is this: Google is an idiot.
I know that those who lovingly pour over these pages are not used to such harsh language, and if I suspected that Google Search had been dropped on its head as an infant algorithm, I would be much more delicate with my words. But what else can I say about any so-called program, the result of hundreds of thousand of hours of loving devotion and nurture, that cannot grasp the exuberant joy and articulate humor of this publication?
So with apologies in advance to all my subscribers and other loyal constituents of this blog, I am going to attempt to explain what the Ominous Comma is all about, using small keywords so any non-corporeal visitors can follow along.
The Ominous Comma is about humor, intelligent humor, humor that launches itself from the shining phosphors of your monitor and grabs you by the cerebellum, wringing the laughter from the irony centers of the brain like an over-filled sponge.
Humor that takes no prisoners, that is unafraid to fill articles, take occasional plunges into satire, and even lightly caresses the cheek of politics.
Humor that is proud of the term humor and is not considering a name change to Funny, Witty, or Mildly Jovial.
Humor that doesn’t have time for celebrities or reality TV because it is still in college even though its synapses have advanced far beyond what are normally considered the Learning Years.
Humor whose wife frequents these pages and therefore cannot resort to boobies and bikinis to bring in traffic but must actually write essays and articles to attract the masses.
That kind of humor.
To further clarify and annoy, I will give a brief list of my influences to help you determine whether or not you have found the right Internet Humor Provider for you.
Douglas Adams
Steven Wright
Anyone able to use the word “scrumbly” in a sentence.
The Far Side
Dilbert.
Danger Mouse
Anyone receiving a mandatory sentence for using the word “scrumbly.”
Monty Python
Oscar Wilde
Invader Zim
Voltaire
The Scumbly Scrumblers of Scrumblitude.
Danger Couch
The Peter Principle by Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull.
Dave Berry
I think that about covers it. Remember, if you are looking for political diatribe you are at the wrong site. Similarly if you thirst for gossip or computer tech stuff, you are not going to find much of that here. All you are going to find here is the funniest stuff that anyone has ever written.
Just as long as you define anyone as me.
——-
*If you are not intelligent, I am sorry but I am going to have to ask you to stop reading right now. If you are illiterate, I need you to stop staring at the screen pretending to read. Go loiter somewhere else.
Sorry, rules are rules.
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So, instead of writing an article or story, or even a short original post, you blog about your blog.
You plug your own site and pass it off at entertainment?
Talk about lame.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You see Fording, this is exactly what I was telling you about. If it wasn’t for my considerable intervention, he would have gone to pieces by now.
Pathetic.
I will not be coming back to this site.
Promise?
Hey I didn’t read all that but where are the pictures of naked chicks lolz
(sigh)
I’m illiterate AND unintelligent. However, I suffer from short-term memory loss, so I end up doing just fine. It’s amazing what you can do if you forget you can’t do something. Go figure.
What was I saying?
There are extremely motivated individuals in this world who have little talent. There are exceptionally talented individuals in this world with zero motivation. Every now and then you stumble across someone who is exceptionally talented and extremely motivated.
In my opinion, (who am I?) Brent is the most original comedy writer I’ve come across in a long time. I would have made this known earlier in the day if it weren’t for my job getting in the way.
Brent = Perfection in Comedy writing. Soon we will be paying for the privilege of reading his work. I’d fork over large sums of cash for a collection of his short essays.
(Does this mark me as the official OC Brownnose?)
Congratulations Debbie, on receiving the first ever OCBN award.
This prestigous honor entitles you to rewards beyond imagination.
So far beyond that even I can’t imagine what they might be.
Wear it with pride
it’s alway interesting to see where people get their humor inspiration or presperation –you already know I like Steven Wright — well, you should by now…Yes, Dave Berry has made too much money and needs to share and Far Side is the best…oh, yeah, Dilbert is funny too…Oscar Wilde and I were good buddies… the other scrumblies and squigglies or whatevers I don’t think I have seen on the side of the road yet…I knew you would want to have my approval…
Actually, usually one is named a brownnose only if the flattery is manufactured and spewed solely for the purpose of gaining something in return. (All I got was this lousy OCBN award)
I can’t help it if I just get it. It pains me to be so honest. Maybe you could just write something sh*%%y. I dare you. You can’t can you? I’ll be ready to pounce if you do.
N.B.
I’ll have to remember to try your forgetting strategy.
R.J.
Your approval is noted and complimented for its good taste.
Note to self:
Post no crap, Debbie’s waiting to pounce.
Debbie, are you trying to be a guest writer on this blog?
RJ-
To elaborate a little more on my first comment, a guest writer would have to have some talent and motivation. I have neither.
I can’t speak for your motivation, but I believe you have the talent and just the right amount of disconnection from reality to do an excellent job of postification.
At the very least you could write the text of the OCBN award.
But you might have to wear rubber gloves.
I think I’ll stick to being a professional commenter. Ha!
Any blog inspired by Monty Python and Voltaire is good enough for me. Those two guys were very funny.
“By the way, which one’s pink?”
Pink is the singer who sang “Let’s get the party started” was that what you were asking????
(sigh again) Absolutely.
Absolutely no naked women, bikinis, or references thereof. Sorry Zesty. This site is smut free.
Fording,
I have had an offer from ABC and CBS. Let me know if you can beat it. I will offer my exclusive story only if you can help me. I do prefer your “spin” on things. Let me know before tomorrow. I’m getting out of this dampness soon.
Gash, your posts are so fun to read. I just like your posts. : )
Thank you, Silver.
Camille,
How about a couple of bikini shots of just you? The ratings would be fantastic. Think about it.
Lynn,
I think Fording left town again, but I will try to locate him for you.
This comment, couple with Brent’s *sigh*, leads me to believe that no one realizes I was being facetious.
I don’t think you are allowed to comment on this sight without being facetious, sarcastic, sardonic or even moronic.
oops “site” not “sight”
R.J.,
Not to mention wry, flippant, ironic, cryptic or sophomoric.
now that you are beginning to get your SEO down you should consider purchasing traffic. the bids may not be as high as you think (i personally have no idea). sort of like cheating the SEO system but, in exchange for becoming google’s b*tch
Zesty,
I was also being facetious, as was Camille (the Hot Comma Momma.) I guess we need some system of sarcasticons so everyone can know just exactly how much tongue is being applied to cheek.
Of course I would probably overuse the “laugh hysterically or die” symbol.
Lynn,
I believe the public has a right to know about your horrific ordeal. They also have a right to hear it from me.
Meet me just north of the secret government frosting facility across from the Yeti breeding grounds. Come alone and don’t be late.
(Ted Koppel is gonna soil his skivvies when he sees the story I’ve got.)
RJ, Roann,
Thanks for helping out, I was indisposed at work. (There’s a country song in there somewhere, screaming to get out.)
Jenn,
I’m not interested in being anyone’s cell mate, especially after that last stretch I did with Microsoft. (Talk about needy.)
However,I am not opposed to hordes and hordes of happy readers frolicking joyfully through the Comma.
But I don’t know why I should pay them though. After all, I’m already giving away the cow and the milk for free.
The least they could do is buy me flowers.
Fording,
I am relieved beyond comprehension that you will be covering my story. Ted is great and all, but he does not have your style or dashing good looks. I will not be late.
Debbie,
I could use your support on this one. You know how Fording can be. Please meet me .45/hr before Fording at the secret government cake facility to help me get ready. Please bring me a fresh clothing change and some badly needed make-up. Also, if you could distract Dr. T and his hounds that would also be helpful. See you soon.
You want a .45 to meet Fording?
I would recommend a more substantial weapon like a .50 caliber rifle, or a shotgun at the very least.
But that’s just me.
Lynn,
I don’t own a gun but I’ll bring my killer smile.
(I really should not let this be known but I’m kind of excited to meet Fording. I think between the two of us we can keep him in line.)
Thank you so much Debbie. I knew that I could count on you!