Putting The Economy In Motion - Buck-O-Quest: Part 2
By Brent Diggs on Feb 28, 2008 in Humor
Welcome to the second installment of Buck-O-Quest,* the surprisingly continuous series dedicated to the stumbling U.S. economy and what you as a potentially impacted citizen can do to recover yourself out from underneath its ominously descending bulk.
We will begin today’s missive with a conveniently timed letter from one of our concerned readers.
Dear author,
The economy is really getting me down. I’ve never had what you would call steady employment, but with this recession things have been harder for me than ever.
In happier times I could always supplement my income by liquidating the assets of local banks and liquor stores. But ever since I suffered a debilitating trebuchet accident I have been confined to my recliner, living at the mercy of a former cell-mate and an array of absorbent undergarments.
What can I do to help regain my financial independence?
Benchly Setward
Folding Chair, AR
,
Benchly,
You are not alone. The sudden sagging of economic indicators combined with the recent increase in catapult-based security systems has propelled a large number of former criminals into desperate financial straits.
Fortunately there are resources available for disabled felons like yourself, to assist you in your quest to put sizable chucks of U.S. currency back in motion.
A growing number of companies have entered the ambulation-impaired Armed Robbery Accessory Market. Some early product entries include: armor plated wheelchairs, gurney mounted chain guns, and specially trained safe-cracking robotic chihuahuas.
Between ever expanding merchandise offerings and special recession financing, I am confident that there is an affordable assault package right for you. With the help of your local medical arms dealer, you’ll be out terrorizing your neighborhood in no time.
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If you have questions for your author, it’s you own fault. You’ve had plenty of opportunity to get them off your chest by now. Still, it’s never too late to ask. Contact me at my slick and highly impressive contact page.
In the meantime, stick around. Not since last year’s Blogging Week have I had a train of thought travel so far without derailment. This could very well set a record. Or a precedent. Or possibly even a fire. So whatever you do, don’t miss the next ironon fortified serving of this profusely fact-starved series.
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*Okay, I admit that I had never given the series a name before this very moment, but due to the Orwellian possibilities of the internet, by the time you check the previous post, it will have been there the whole time.
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I’m not sure that this mode of transportation is safe worthy.
Yes, but it’s probably safety-deposit box worthy.
OK, this all sounds good. But although I don’t want to appear the racial bigot that I must obviously be, Idaho and all, it’s apparent that a growing portion of the nation’s iniquitous entrepreneurs are visitors from more sunny climes. What’s available in the way of financial assistance for hiring interpreters?
I hate the thought of a startup enterprise failing because of a simple lack of communication at the teller window.
Please advise.
Ah, communication. The key to any good relationship. My advice, don’t fret. It’s much easier to steal their money while they are confused.
Man, this site is exactly what I needed to see right now. Post quickly. Post often
Always happy to be of service.
Be sure to tell your friends, loved ones, and major media outlets about the life changing work of the Comma.
I’m not disabled but still wish to pursue violent crimes, is this possible.
Not only is this possible but it just might land you a job in the competitive field of pharmaceutical security.
Just tell them Dr. T sent you, and they’ll handle the rest.
Dr T. always willing to lend a hand.
Hah! That’s what you get for trying to break into my travel trailer, Benchly! You should have known better than to mess with a secreted agent of my caliber(.22). Maybe next time you’ll think twice!
…And that thinking will most likely be done from Canada.
I wouldn’t be opposed to donating my “modified” Hoveround Power Scooter for such a worthy cause. I really have no use for it now that I’ve healed from that dreadful groundhog incident.
How extensively modfied? Are we talking pawn shop takedown level or third world dictator escape-craft level?
I have to know what catagory to list it under.
I for one am going to continue building the trebuchet in my front yard. The wife isn’t too impressed, but there’s obviously a market.
What color do you think I should paint it for maximum buyer attraction?
Wolf, A good trebuchet should be two toned and match the fastest car in your garage. However, if your prefer security over aesthetics, a good coat of real tree works great. Or you could paint it canary yellow to match your house.
If you ever need help with the launch, there is a certain Dr. here that I would be happy to send your way; forceably, of course.
So we need a trebuchet to launch the doctor to launch the trebuchet…There seems to be a certain Chicken and Egg logic at work here.
Must be an Irony Field.
Where’s my Logic Bomb! Ready, Aim, Fire! No,no, not on the trebuchet!!!!!!!!!
Oh this is good. Your creative juices are flowing like the whitewater rapids. Love it, Love it, Love it!
Hail to Comma originality!
All together now……eeeewwwwww!!
Activating emergency mantra: “absorbent undergarments” until scary mental picture is gone.
(Can’t stop laughing at the mental pic of Chris Non-C using his trebuchet on criminals)
Why do people always laugh when they get a mental picture of me?
Oh because you are cute that way!
Aw thanks!
Not just the mental one, my friend.
I’m laughing so hard I may need one of those absorbent undergarments or perhaps some asbestos underwear…where did Camille purchase those dainty little things?
Dear Mark Twain,
Rumors of your death by trebuchet have been greatly slung into the walls of Minas Tirith.
As you can see, the rumors of my death have been greatly exerted…. with much upward and outward force. One does love a good trebuchet.
Rumors are always much more effective at high velocities. They get better fuel efficiency as well.
Congratulations! Just 14 out of 78 humor submissions were included in Humor Carnival 2, and this was one of them. Thanks so much for your delightful contribution!