Shoring Up Liquid Assets - Buck-O-Quest: Part 3
By Brent Diggs on Mar 10, 2008 in Humor, current affairs
Today our economic survival series Buck-O-Quest rolls on like the mighty Mississippi River: slowly, majestically, and with a distinct lack of clarity.
We will begin with more Concerned Reader correspondence.
Dear Author,
First off, let me thank you for the way you’ve handled the economy. Everyone I’ve ever read always approaches it from the perspective of homeowners, job holders, and other overachievers. Thank you for keeping it real.
My question is this: having invested my money in a balanced portfolio of malt liquor, cheap wine, and other liquid assets, is there any way I could continue to bypass employment and just live off the interest?
Sincerely,
George Wellfeller, Central Park, NYC
,
George,
You present an interesting problem. How does a person who has basically spent every dollar on alcoholic beverages, wrangle a profit from such an investment?
Fortunately for you, and those like you, the U.S. government is already on the case. Thanks to the Federal Department of Intoxicant Commodification and their willingness to underwrite a network of small, privately owned alcohol exchanges, you may yet stave off the clutches of personal industry.
FDIC - Keeping Spirits High and the Market for Spirits Higher.
Originally created to subsidize failing savings and loan institutions, the FDIC is always on the lookout for a losing cause. They are currently backing liquor layaway plans and small self-distillation-kit loans and are expected to soon branch out into the burgeoning blood plasma market.
Thank you George for your question, it is always good to see someone putting those wi-fi soup kitchens to good use.
Click here for the stunning Buck-O-Quest conclusion
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If you have a pressing question you wish to Ask the Author, or if you’re truly desperate, Ask Doctor Toboggans, you may do so at the newly instituted Ominous Contact Page.
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This post can be found cornering the market at humor-blogs.com
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At last I can stop keeping those collector’s bottles of Lucky Lager under the mattress. My back is killing me.
Question: If I need to make a withdrawal after business hours, how will the ATM handle the process?
I’m sure they use those vacuum tubes.
For large transfers I can see them skipping the bottles entirely and plugging the hose straight into the Security Deposit Kegs.
That’s what I would do.
I had no idea that handling liquid assets could be so easy. Just another way that the OminousComma is looking out for us. Thank you.
If you had readers like this, you’d look out for them too. They’re not exactly the kind of people you want to run into.
Just in time for my new invention! An adapter for the
self-distillation-kit for mounting to a 50 gal burn barrel.
Ooooh, a nice blue alcohol flame. I feel warmer already.
And here I’ve been sinking all my money into crack.
They should have warned you that crack is a gateway drug to the harder stuff, like internet humor.
I know that now, all of a sudden I’m getting shakes with out regular lolcats. Blasted CRACK!
Is there free chugging if I open an account at the liquor bank?
All new accounts include a free toast:
“To your health.”
“To your Blood Alcohol Content.”
“May the road rise up to meet you as you plunge from a busy overpass.”
Whatever you prefer.
(Laughing too hard to comment!)
My main issue with my portfolio is that here in Alaska I can’t make a withdrawal until after 10 AM (12 on Sundays.) Does the FDIC plan to address that?
I hear they are working on an internet based virtual banking system to allow savvy investors like yourself to make deposits and withdrawls from the privacy of your very own home or detox center.
There seems to be some trouble with the whole matter-transference part, but I’m sure Google will come up with something.
(Laughing) I want to know where Liquor Bank is…
Brent, this is the funniest post I’ve read in a long time…
Keep having fun~
Ann
Thank you, Ann.
I’m going to try to keep having fun but the truth is that I’ve been having some trouble lately with the surgeon general, who claims that there is a Maximum Allowance of Daily Fun and that this site is contributing to unhealthy levels of lightheartedness.
I’ll keep you posted.
LOL…where does this Liquor Bank actually located,really..?one of the posts that give me a ‘headache’..:)
I found this beauty in Chico, California. I knew right then it would be handing out migraines far and wide.
Thanks for stopping by, be sure to subscribe.
It had to be California, didn’t it? They have everything there.
They even had me for a couple of years, but I eventually escaped and lived ever since as a wiser person.
Well, yes they do.
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