Surging SEO Success the Ominous Comma Way
By Brent Diggs on Oct 3, 2007 in Adventures of the Author, Humor
While I have been harvesting badgers, feng shuing my shrubbery and generally enjoying the fruits of idleness, it has come to my attention* that the Ominous Comma has achieved front page Google ranking in the highly competitive niche of Jello Phobia.
It has long been a dream of mine to use my humble writing abilities to help others, especially in overcoming debilitating dessert neuroses. So imagine my pride and amazement when I discovered that while I was off nesting my comments and noodling with Blogcatalog, I had somehow become an authority on the shimmering translucent tragedy that is gelatin dysfunction.
It all goes back to my groundbreaking four step plan for Search Engine Domination.
- Start a blog of carefully disguised random associations.
- Let readers add their own surreal interpretations.
- Have a musical montage, featuring me in random scenes of hard work and dedication, preferably holding a cutting torch.**
- Retire early with a large collection of blogging trophies and humanitarian awards.
So far it seems to be working very well. Even as I dictate this to Gertrude, my secretary/masseuse/poodle inoculation specialist, the Ominous Comma is a dominant force in the Buckachong niche as well as a noted expert on Frito Lay Cannibalism.***
Tempted as I am, I cannot take full credit for this site’s random market monopolization, partially because of my legendary humility, but mostly out of fear of federal injunction.
No, I must confess that I have had lots of help in making the Comma the mess that it is today. I would gladly name my fellow conspirators here before the entire web, but I am holding out just in case I need to use them in some sort plea bargain.
You can, however, see them in their natural environment, down in the comment section conveniently located just below this post.
Try not to tap on the glass though, it makes them self-conscious.
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*No, I did not research this. The discovery is due entirely to the diligent efforts of my blog stat-package who tracks these sort of things for me, asking nothing in return. I’ll have to get it something nice for Christmas. Maybe a calculator.
**Isn’t that how heroic individuals get out of a tight spot?
***Buckachong in particular has a very high conversion potential. All we really need to do is focus on branding in order to differentiate our high value OC buckachong from that of the shameless pack of imitators competition.
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This post is a high-ranking member of the humor-blogs.com army
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At this point, I’m not sure if I should apologize or say you’re welcome. I’ve never understood the complexities of Google ranking.
I am excited at the prospect of new readers sharing the same phobias as the rest of us. In time, they to will see that Ominous Comma laughter will cure all that ails us.
(Did you have to include the jello photo? I swear I can see all those jello molds jiggling. Look…no…look again…there…no there…did you see it move?)
That picture utilizes the OC Sway Imagining System, which makes desserts appear up to 200% more lifelike, or in this case, deadly.
Nobody on earth makes me laugh harder than one Brent Diggs.
You may think it’s all fun and games, but my uncle was killed by jello.
And for some reason what I saw was “preferably holding a touching crotch.”
PinS,
Please see Dr.T very soon. Clearly you need to.
People affect all sorts of coping mechanisms in the wake of a Jello tragedy. I’m sure the touching crotch, which has worked so well for Micheal Jackson, will help you through.
But you should retire it quickly once you’re better.
Harvesting badgers? SWEET!! This I gotta see.
buckachong? Wasn’t that a song in the 80’s?
Buckachong
Let me rock you
Let me rock you
Buckachong
Let me rock you
That’s all I wanna do
Don’t forget to break into the synth harmonica riff.
And the big chorus:
I’ll steal for you
I think I’ll scrub you.
(Those were the day.)
what the h#ll is a touching crotch? Do I need to take a crying game shower afterwards?
Congratulations at receiving this rare distinction. I hope you use your new found jello powers wisely. I know I’ve been tempted to improperly wield “joe paterno cardboard cutout”, but have held strong so far.
Wow, that’s quite a temptation for you. I hope to live up to your fine example.
OMG I love yer blog - yer too funny! :P You have jello phobia - I have “Buttstack.” Google is a funny funny uhm man?
Thank you very much.
I’m sorry to here about your buttstack condition, hopefully with time and lots of therapy you will overcome it.
In the meantime watch out for Google, we refer to it by a lot of names around here, most of them bad. The most scietifical term however, would be The Non Corporeal Audience.
It’s always watching. (shudder)
And I thought kshippychic wrote “You have jello phobia - I have ‘Buttsex.’” I’m so sorry about that. It’s been a while.
Sounds like you need a new prescription. Glasses or medication, your choice.
Reading about Jello made me think of a Jello artist named Liz Hickok. She was on an “Art of Not” show on Ovation TV.
Check out the pics of her Jello art at http://www.lizhickok.com
(Warning to those suffering with Jello Phobia Syndrome: VISIT THIS SITE AT YOUR OWN RISK!)
That is wild, her Jello model of San Fransisco would make the perfect setting for a Hitchcock film for some people I know.
I’m laughing so hard…(kind of funny how her name is so similiar to Hitchcock)
I’m picturing myself with a big sledge hammer sliding through San Fran’s famous landmarks. I could probably handle a jiggly Golden Gate Bridge and colorful Chinatown, however; the thought of being trapped in a slick, wiggly, Alcatraz Island is too much to handle.
Wow, using jello as a fine artistic medium. I am truly horrified.
Catherine warned me, but I decided to face my fears head on…
I’m speechless… and worried about developing some type of post traumatic jello-stress syndrome.
I congratulate you on your bravery. This is an important step in your journey to phobia-freedom.
We all have our demons, but you have the advantage of being able to literally ingest your fears, have your way with with them, and flush them down the toilet when you’re through.
People with phobias to other things, like arsenic and Richard Simmons, don’t have that luxury.
Be strong.
I tried to flush Richard Simmons once, but he popped out of the sink and danced to Chubby Checker’s music………. It was horrible.
Ha! ANON IS BACK SUCKAS!!!
OMG ya’ll are hilarious! :)
Omi,
(I’ve decided that’s what I will call you from now on)
I totally understand your bizarre Google ranking. You have only to look at the title of my blog and my website to imagine some of the bizarre terms for which I am way up there with the Google god. I’m sure my Mother is very proud.
She is.
That’s the word I got after she attended that last meeting of Parents of Self Proclaimed Humorists on the Internet support group with my mom.
However, she is concerned about stories of you sacrificing small animals to Google Search.
At least that’s what I heard.
Jello Phobia is a terrible affliction, it really is.
Even I must confess to feeling slightly wobbly around Jello.
Thank you, and good night.
No WONDER I can never find anything on Google! I’m apparently doing it all wrong. Well, I suppose I should be used to that by now…
Maybe Google is Big Brother and we’re just to dumb too know it. Instead of running for the hills, we kowtow and kneel to the citadel of the Google
God(s) for their blessings!
And THEY make all the money! lol..
It’s called tribute. We have truly entered a new digital feudal system. How sad.
But on that note, anyone wishing to be my vassal can sign up now. In return, I promise that me and my knights will race out to protect you in the event that you find yourself “flamed” by the more unscrupulous denizens of the net.
I’d like to say that I didn’t know what I was doing when I labelled a recent post “Want to Cyber?” But, alas, I did. Oddly enough I’ve had more clicks from searches for “coffeemate.”
That is strange. I must admit that I have never done a search for coffeemate that didn’t involve my kitchen cabinets. But if I ever do, it will be good to know who I’ll find at the other end.
I can’t say that I’ve ever wanted a Cyber either, but do still want a Cylon. You know, one of those robots with the shiny armor from back in the 80’s.
I could have him guard my front door with his restless red eye and remorseless modulated voice.
That would keep Jehovah’s Witnesses away for sure.
I want a “Gertrude” working for me!!
Well, if she doesn’t get her typos under control, you just might get that chance.