The Harsh Demands of Internet Explorer
By Brent Diggs on Apr 29, 2008 in Humor
For those of you who are viewing this site with the assistance of Internet Explorer, allow me to apologize.
The fragmented Picassoesque nightmare that was until recently displayed by IE at this web address was the main inspiration for changing from my time-honored travertine textured theme to the sleek Black Cherry Jello color-scheme you see today.
At the time I had hoped that this gesture of humility and subservience would placate Lord Gates and his scurvy minions and allow my transmissions to travel through his esteemed portal unmolested.
But that was not to be the case.*
Those fearsome software barons, I learned with great unpleasantness, require far greater sacrifice that mere graphical transplant. They required blood.
So I cut open the bleeding heart of the Comma and ripped out some of the most innocent html tags of its precious code, hurling their mangled carcasses in direction of Redmond Washington.
And Lord Gates was pleased and smiled upon me and caused all the exploded pieces of my theme to be restored to their rightful places.
And everyone lived happily ever after…at Castle Microsoft.
Perhaps at this point you may be wondering why your selection of web browser so drastically affects the way you perceive the internet. I was a bit curious myself, and as a licensed Internet Resource I felt it was my duty to get to the bottom of this mystery no matter how much diligent research it would require from whoever I could talk into doing it.
So in this spirit of community service I took the issue to my personal web guru DangerDan who proceeded to explain the matter to me in a presentation brimming with technical expertise and cool little bullet points, the majority of which have since been lost to the impenetrable jungle of my memory.
But the essence of the problem is this: Although there are universal web standards and procedures in place to prevent exactly this sort of ugliness, Microsoft has a difficult time following any system of standardization that they themselves did not personally invent.
As a result, any unwary blog, no matter how fully saturated with witty humor, no matter how fully operational it may be in every other browser known to man, woman, and the occasional sasquatch can still unwittingly run aground upon the jagged reef of software incompatibility.
For my American readers who may have difficulty picturing any group of people with this staggering level of pride and obstinacy, allow me illustrate with a story.
Imagine if you will that the entire world had agreed to a universal system of measurement, one based in and easily divisible by units of ten, a fairly standard number of human digits.
Imagine also that one group of rather stubborn group of people chose to ignore this standard, clinging instead to a charmingly archaic system so chock full or fractions and bizarre measuremental units that even its country of origin had abandoned it with disgust.
Now picture these same people naively expecting the other 98% of the planetary population to measure things according to their standard just because they’re the biggest and because they invented nuclear weapons…DOS… slinkies.
Hard to imagine, I know.
Countries Not Using The Metric System
Anyway, please enjoy the newly non-surrealist visual presentation of the Comma, fully immersing yourselves in the total ominous experience, including Camille’s very own page.
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*That it took me several weeks to discover that my efforts were less than successful speaks volumes of my extensive commitment to research and development.
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Humor-blogs.com is still measuring me one giggle at a time.
Alltop however, measures by the bushel.
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Need more witty humor in your life? Subscribe to the Comma at this very instant.
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One word: Bravo!
Okay, I lied.. more than one word - I agree and I find it a bit frightening that when I was a mere 2nd grader there was a panic to teach us the way of the metric system. They were insistent that we know, embrace, love and LEARN it because it was coming.. SOON!
So what does the good ‘ole USA do? Oh… fast forward 31 years and we’re STILL using standard. Go figure. So much for the brain trauma and anxiety suffered during my 2nd grade year.
Use Firefox. ;)
You’re right.
I still remember the metric speech as a genuinely frightening experience. The whole, “Everything you know is wrong…” shock and awe approach was very disturbing as a grade-schooler, and no doubt served as a model for a generation of future newscasters.
This site is so informative. Now I wish that I too knew the metric system. My fifth grade teacher tried to warm me, but no, I wanted to be on the same scale as my parents. Some traditions really need to die. Not only do the poor people visiting our state have to learn southern English, but they have to learn a whole other measuring system as well. It just does not seem fair.
mmmmmm….. black cherry jello…..
I know, scary and delicious.
i had totally forgotten how they tried to scare us in elementary school about the metric system taking over. heh. oh well, i think they’re getting even with the euro.
Yes, Europeans might even now be poised to purchase this country and have their way with our precious units of measure.
Hopefully they’ll let us keep our razors.
I think this post has more than three decaliters of humor in it - probably 300% of my RDA.
I also use Firefox, so I was unaware of any formatting problems you were having. The color scheme rocks. Micro$oft does not. Congrats on getting the Comma fixed!
Thank you Wolf, my reliance on Firefox is why it took me so long to find out it was still whacked.
As for the humor, the RDA is good amount for accountants and insurance agents but for the benefit of warm blooded mammals I am trying to raise the average dosage of wit to a full kiloliter per viewer.
Sure it may cause your humoro-nervous system to explode but we all have to go sometime.
We got Liberia AND Myanmar? Sweet!
And before we get allll PC, let’s just recall one word.
France.
I don’t think we need any of that around here.
Come on Don, everyone know the French have made positive contributions to world civilization. Take for example the uh…..and the…..Well, french toast isn’t bad.
I’ve heard the reason we have not converted entirely to the metric system is due to the American male ego refusing to measure his manliness in anything other than inches!
Can you blame us???
Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have to answer the inevitable question with “barely half a meter.”?
I am laughing so hard I hurt my spleen!
What do you mean Internet Explorer sucks? You don’t like it? I love the old-school versions, with the incompatibilities, security holes, and the lack of tabbed browsing. It’s very retro.
Lava lamps are retro.
IE is criminal.
If there was any justice it would be locked away on an isolated severer to search itself for competence.
Ok a quick lesson in the metric system,
millimetre
centremetre
metre
tony danza
kilometre
Makes sense, yes… I feel the same way about firefox they you feel about the metric system, I grew up with IE, everything I know cant be wrong. The web is meant to be displayed in crappy frames and disjointed formats. I suckle from the teat of Bill Gates and lov…. I cant finish that sentence its just to creepy.
On the positive side we can now decide what to measure with danzameters. I suggest ubiquity.
The only thing worse than trying to use IE to browse the web is trying to load a new version of it on your computer.
Definitely Firefox.
And didn’t the French invent fries? No, sorry, that was the Belgians.
It’s possible the French invented arrogance, but if so they haven’t complained about Doctor Toboggans hijacking it for his own purposes.
Before he disappeared, that is.
I don’t know what you have against the American standard of measurement. The last time I checked a newspaper cocaine was measured in kilos and that’s metric which means that the metric system is the preference of cocaine dealers and we Americans can’t be expected to use the same system as cocaine dealers.
Or the French.
Everybody knows that drug traffickers are required to attend hours and hours of mandatory International Standard Compliance Training.
It’s not their fault. If you have to blame someone, start with their union.
Nice use of sasquatch.
Having lived in both Canada and America I don’t know what to think anymore, I use miles when I should km’s and don’t get me started on litres. I’m like the French guy who speaks both English and German at the same time and throws in a few words of urdu just to mix it up a little.
I’m thinking of starting a Metric Sasquatch Conversion promotional tour.
It’s too late for me an my fellow citizens, but if we act now we may still be able to terrify the next generation into the global community.
Interesting, funny speculation about the metric system! But, if we adopt the metric system, will it make the price of gasoline go down? What are the metrics of that happenning? What are the merits of the case? The Count’s head spinneth.
Like a sasquatch on a meritricious
merry-goeth-round.
If we convert to liters the price of gas won’t go down, we just won’t be able to tell how much it’s going up.
I feel like I should comment here… but I really don’t have anything clever to say.
I use Internet Explorer when cutting myself just isn’t enough pain.
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