A Reprieve
By Brent Diggs on Apr 27, 2007 in Danger Couch, Humor
Final Exams have descended upon my head like a drooling pack of vampire pigeons, plumply sapping all life from my cortex.
So I will leave you with piece extracted from a time capsule and sanitized for your protection.
It hails from my other blog at the multi-media powerhouse of mirth know simply as Danger Couch. I believe this will be new for most of you, so please enjoy it thoroughly and I will see on the other side of my educational torture.
Correspondence from the mythical real world
Stephanie R. of Calamine, Kentucky wrote to us recently to praise our prowess at hilarity. She writes, “I love you guys. You always cheer me up when things look bad. Your last episode made me laugh so hard, I swallowed a molar.”
Thank you Stephanie, your comments are generous, yet completely true. We see that you have discovered one of the primary truths of life:
Danger Couch and oral surgery do not mix.
For the record, let us be the first to inform the entire viewing public that there are many other activities that are not well suited for Danger Couch viewing either.
Brain surgery comes to mind.
Please do not cross-wire someone’s lobes just because you were watching the Couch on the heart monitor screen. No one wants to hear on the evening news that the major cause of soaring malpractice insurance rates is three guys in funny outfits. Especially us three guys.
Air traffic control is out of the question, as is bomb defusing.
Pedicure is okay, lawn care is iffy.
Deep sea demolition is not recommended. Nor can we, in good conscience, endorse yak juggling. (This has nothing to do with Danger Couch viewing safety, we just don’t like it)
You can watch Danger Couch on the toilet, but not if you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. In which case you should concentrate on the matter at hand.
And finally, Spam-canning.
We know that Spam-canning is a dangerous and nauseating job, and you may be desperate for any faint ray of hope to distract you from your hideous occupation, but remember: you cannot afford to lose concentration even for a moment.
One brief instance of inattention is all it takes and wham! Some little girl in Wichita finds your fillings and jewelry in her can of mysterious meat!
Don’t let that be you. Imbibe the Couch in moderation.
Until next time,
-The D.C. Crew
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Good luck on your final exams. (I hate it when people tell me that because it forces the realization that luck may be the only positive force behind a passing grade. I’m sure, however, that your think-box is ready for the interrogation)
It’s okay — I’m all for recycling. Do well on those exams!
While final exams are important, does this have anything to do with 17? Maybe you just wanted to keep your posts in the proper numerical order.
Should one watch the Couch while drinking Walmart beer? That seems a bit iffy as well.
Due to a really hectic week at the office I am unable to compose a response to your recycled article…
So, I found a correspondence I wrote previously that I could just drop and paste here.
From June 1982,
To the makers of Generic brand products.
Sirs,
I wish to thank you for all your wonderful products. Being newly married and incredibly poor, my wife Cathy and I have become great fans of your various food and cleaning items.
We walk down the last isle of the grocery store and fill our basket with your ingeniously packaged black and white cans and boxes.
We have however a question re: Generic Fish Sticks.
We noticed that the 1st (and therefore primary) ingredient is “batter”. This is not really a problem with us as the deep fried batter is actually very good.
The 2nd ingredient (we noticed) is “fish”. Not really a problem either except in as it relates to not being the primary ingredient.
It is the 3rd ingredient defined on your package you as “fish parts” that concerns us.
The 2 questions that come to mind:
What exactly are “fish parts”?
And
What is so radically different about them (as opposed to fish) that causes them to be listed as a separate ingredient?
Regards,
John & Cathy
Allentown Trailer Park #12
Memphis, TN 38128
Fish parts include those items that are attached. Things like algae, leeches, snails, seaweed, shoelaces, or anything else that may have been swallowed by the fish before processing.
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. It must be that prison educational system.
No, it’s just careful observance during dinner.
Sorry, I’m a little late to the party here, but was searching the web for news from my hometown and dang - wouldn’t you know it took me here. We used to live next door to the R’s in Calamine, Kentucky. I knowed Stephanie since I was a boy and don’t you listen to her. She ain’t had no molars since about 1974. If y’all hear from her lawyer about that tooth, feel free to give me a hollar and I’ll tell him what I knows.