I probably should have mentioned it before now, but the Humor-Blogs.com inspectors are almost upon us.
That’s right, the heat is on the way. Soon U.N. sanctioned, Guantanamo trained humor technicians will be pouring over this site, ensuring that every last joke and inference passes the most stringent government standards of legibility and humorosity.
In fact, they may already be among us at this very moment, marking and measuring and scribbling furiously on the their Humor-Blogs.com issued Hello Kitty™ notepads.1
In the face of this grave inspecting threat, we must pull together. What I need most from readers of this site is to just act normal. Normal of course, will be a new concept for some of you, but I am sure you can fake it for a few days, until the review squad collects their findings, and then we can all laugh about it together once they’re gone. In fact I’m laughing right now, although I’m not sure that nervous hysteria really counts for much in a situation like this.
Let me also say that I simply will not tolerate any dramatic, and conveniently timed declarations of love for this site. In no case do I want to read about how the sheer weight and depth of humor found at the Comma cured your acne, balanced your tires, or pulled you from the flaming wreckage of a saltwater aquarium crash.
These are serious people and we must respect their time and their intelligence. They won’t be fooled by insincere gestures or hollow praise.
Cue the deer.2
Normal of course, will be a new concept for some of you…
While you are here, please take a moment to look around and giggle excitedly about the recent changes and upgrades I have made to the structure of this site. I know that some people would say these refinements are all just a shallow attempt to impress the Humor-Blogs.com reviewers, but in fact they are a part of my long standing commitment to throwing random stuff together and milking it for all that it is worth.
As for those bitter people who impugn my motives, let me say that cynicism like that is exactly what’s wrong with the world today3 and if I receive a high review score from Humor-Blogs.com, I will use my enhanced powers and influence to gently guide and correct cynical individuals with the blunt instruments of unflinching irony and devastating humor until they repent of their evil and join all the shiny happy people, preferably here at the Ominous Comma.
Furthermore, if I am elected, I commit to freeing this country from the Jell-o dependence that has so long crippled our– Wait, wrong speech.
So even in the face of fearsome Humor-Blogs.com inspectors, we have nothing to fear except the irrational phobias instilled in us by our parents and the psychosis-enhancing efforts of our own Dr. Harold Toboggans to cure them.
Remember, only together can we surmount the challenges of life and emerge victorious with peace, integrity and really good reviews for the Ominous Comma. And when it comes down to it, what more could you ask for?
Thank you and good night.
—–
The Ominous Comma is a nutritious part of a balanced blogroll.
Add it today.
- They are of course, scribbling their lunch orders. These people didn’t get to where they are now by taking notes. «
- If you don’t recognize this reference, then you don’t know Funny Farm and quite possibly you have lived your life in vain. «
- Just after hunger, war, and a rising temperature. «
{ 160 comments… read them below or add one }
“…the Humor-Blogs.com inspectors are almost upon us.”
Notice how Brent states, “us” and not “me”. That is what makes Brent’s blog so special. He includes us all from the very beginning…what a true entertainer.
(Sorry Brent, I let that little bit of flattery sprinkle out)
I can hardly help myself from saying that The Ominous Comma has indeed spared me from several dull and dreary conversations, a truly heroic feat.
This blog would knock the socks off John Pulitzer!
This site sucks bad if you are well below par in mental acumen.
Debbie,
“He includes us all from the very beginning…what a true entertainer.”
Don’t flatter yourself dear. Being a former Marine myself, I know that this is OC’s way of taking as many people with him, as he can, when it all comes crashing down.
Anonymous,
I heard the Pulitzer only wore Birkenstock’s.
Sorry Brent, I feel it is my duty to ensure you remain humble. ;)
Thank you Chris for your concern about my ego, but don’t look at it as “using my readers as a human shield,” look at it instead as “surrounding myself with good people.”
I always do.
Since I’ve started reading the “Comma” I’ve noticed a reduction in my weight and an increased energy level
All of this without diet or exercise!
Thank you Brent for the great joy and health you bring to the millions of fans who hang on every dot and tiddle found here.
John O.
Since I’ve started reading the “Comma” I’ve noticed a reduction in my weight and an increased energy level
All of this without diet or exercise!
Thank you Brent for the great joy and health you bring to the millions of fans who hang on every dot and tiddle found here.
John O.
sorry for the double post, but it was worth saying twice…..
Oh, speaking of enlightened masses,
I had one of those removed from my neck
(too much sun I guess)
Brent,
Whatever lures them in.
Chris,
Ok, gotcha…wink…
(May I borrower your alice pack when it all comes crashing down…as you were Chris…)
Debbie,
Yes you may. Just remember, if you pack it right, it floats…….. and please, make sure you share it with Lynn’s squirrel.
Even if it did come crashing down…we would build it back up tenfold.
In that case, I shall assimilate and ride Brent’s coat tails to glory! Bring on the humor blogger Dudes!
Chris,
Will it still float if I sneak in my Coldplay Live 2003 cd? You can hold Lynn’s squirrel…she’s really sweet just don’t piss her off.
What can I say, I’m a sucker for persistence.
I think it will hover with the Coldplay CD! Sorry, but I don’t think Lynn’s squirrel would get along with my pet Tea Cup Moose.
Debbie,
We don’t call my blogs “special” any more, the preferred term is “Brentally Challenged.”
But they still ride the same tiny bus all the way to the server.
Jenn,
I am intrigued, do you see boring people headed your way and run to the computer to cut them off?
Do you have a wireless router in your cerebellum so you can log on to the Comma while you pretend to listen to monotonous people?
Am I one of those people?
Where can I get one?
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Anon#1,
I don’t personally know John, but if he is like the rest of the Pulitzers, we would need to get those socks back on quickly.
Anon#2,
Let’s just hope that our mentally sub-par friends forget where they left their torches and pitchforks.
John O.
That weight reduction you speak of is loss of brain mass. And on that topic, I really miss John Jr. I know you couldn’t leave him camped out on your neck, but the least you could have done was kept him in a jar so we could check in on him from time to time.
I don’t know…that guy in the photo looks kinda tough. I mean, he’s got a giant paper clip stuck in his neck and he’s not even flinching.
Chris and Debbie,
I’m glad you got that all worked out.
Questions:
1. Does Coldplay float because it is light on artistic creditability?
2. When you assimilate, is it because you finally realize that resistance to the Comma is futile?
3. What in blazing hades is a Tea Cup Moose?
TDB,
You should see some of his other piercings. Humor-Blogs always hires that type for some reason. I guess a high tolerance for pain is a plus when reviewing blogs.
My tea cup moose is like a real moose except that he is terrified of nature, thus lives in my guest bathroom and eats copious amounts of peanut butter M&Ms. Then there is the obvious size difference. A regular moose will destroy a car when run over. My tea cup moose wouldn’t even dent the bumper, but he did a real number on my daughter’s Barbe Big Wheel.
I decided to assimilate because I was afraid you would send that short (tea cup) Danger Couch Ninja to get me and I have a phobia of pint sized assassins with wooden axes.
I’ve never actually heard of Coldplay, but it seemed important to Debbie for her survival. And, you know….. I’m here to help.
Chris,
My squirrel would eat your tea cup moose.
Jenn,
Once again your taste is impeccable.
Debbie,
You know that the Ominous Comma really belongs to us. That Brent guy is only the facilitator.
John,
You should always repeat things in threes not twos. It is much more effective that way.
Lynn, that’s what I’m afraid of.
BD,
The Coldplay question will be ignored since it came from the “Brentally Challenged.” Ha!
(Trying to get rid of my OCBN award)
Chris,
Be afraid, be very afraid.
Debbie,
It is a little known fact that the Ominous Comma Brown Nosing award is molecularly bonded to the awardee.
Surgical removal will be required. Dr. T has reasonable rates.
Hah! I fear nothing, I’ve up armored my tea cup moose and we have armed our selves with genetically enhanced acorns to distract Lynn’s unbalanced squirrel. (Dr. T will be impressed, I think) This is, of course, purely a preemptive deterrent to prevent further escalation. As I hold no ill will for unhinged rodents. And I’ve brought my super secret formula for winning at rock paper scissors to buy off the Danger Couch Ninja.
Now we can all be friends……… or……. I could be a spy for the Humor-blog dudes…..
My squirrel flies on his own.
Chris,
I am picturing an armoured moose and it makes me happy. Even if you are a spy.
Lynn,
Where I come from there are penalties when a squirrel flies.
Diggs,
Oh goodness! I think I’ll keep it.
Hey Lynn!!
Oh Brent, a Princess Bride reference….Classic. This is exactly what I’m talking about.
How much would it cost to purchase and armoured tea cup moose? I should very much like to have one. I’ll keep him in the back yard where the previous home owner used to keep his miniature pony. He can eat from the compost pile.
Brent,
I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s accident. She will be in my prayers. You know paper shredder accidents are more common than you think.
Tell her that at least this is a good excuse not to do your laundry.
Jenn,
Tea cup Mooses only like peanut butter M&Ms.
What happens if you just give them peanut M&M’s?
They will love you for it.
I had a paper shredder accident once. It was almost as bad as that squirrel attack back in 1987. If it wasn’t for the big hair, I would have been a goner.
Brent,
Aaaaaaaasssssss youuuuuuu wisssshhhhh!
Debbie,
Hey!
Chris,
The squirrel is usually distracted by chocolate. He really doesn’t like peanuts though. They tend to just make him angry.
Chris,
By love do you mean like purrrrring or like attack you kind of love?
Anon,
I just realized you said peanut M&Ms instead of peanut butter M&Ms. I didn’t know the answer so I tested it. Apparently they can spit with the force and accuracy of a lama, therefore I don’t recommend it.
Lynn,
Does your squirrel like chocolate bunnies?
Only if they have long ears and big feet.
See you guys later, its time for water testing the new up armor.
So what did you mean by “love” again?
Is that opposed to “down” armor?
Just in case is giving out another prize for going over 100, I am going to post a few more comments here.
Lynn,
Long ears and big feet…
Is it aweful stuff to eat?
Maybe the squirrel should stick to eating the flowers.
Yes, but just eating the flowers does not make long ears and big feet.
What about the tail?
Lynn,
Anon,
Thank you for your concern regarding my recent accident. It was horrible. I am resting now, but sleep is difficult as I keep reliving the moment.
Yes,
I would give Brent another prize, but to make it more interesting, it needs to be 150. I spent a lot on that last prize.
Somehow I missed Camille’s accident. Good to hear she is going to make it.
If full recovery means 15O then we better get to work.
Anon,
We up here in Maine don’t talk out loud about stuff like that.
I think I may have scared Anon away…
I feel bad.
No you didn’t I’m right here! Now I’m here.
Cool. I’m starting to like you. Just a little bit though so don’t go getting all gushy.
Awww.. thanks Debb.=)
Before
I
go, I
just wanted
boost the numbers a bit.
OC your prize awaits!
Excellent work Anon! Brent may not be the only one that receives a prize! Be sure and visit us again soon!
I am on my way out as well.
Dinner
with
the boyfriend
awaits.
Yawn…
Not the most exciting culinary experience then?
Camille,
What accident? Last time you did this it was on purpose. Not that it gained you any attention.
Also, I don’t know if I can handle another prize, I am still washing squirrel slime off my hands from the last one.
I want to make a movie just so I can have someone slowing loom into view riding a giant armored moose. Maybe we could make A Danger Couch episode out of it.
Brent,
I would loan you my moose, but he is not giant. He’s tea cup, but if you can do that Lord of The Rings bit where you make things look different sizes than they are, we might be in business. I think an action sequence with the ninja arriving on an armored moose would be superb.
Hey Lynn,
Brent,
That is a bunny! I do think that my squirrel could take him. Now if he was made out of chocolate, it would be over. What a great picture.
Debbie,
Did you see that picture? Wow! I am amazed. Better watch out for “little” bunnies from this giant reproducing machine.
Brent,
How could you say that about your wife. I saw her injury. It is truly horrific. If it were you, you would whine about for days and weeks, and suck all the sympathy out of it that you could. You and Fording have something in common after all. Maybe you should join him in California.
No, maybe not. The combined arrogance between you and Fording might upset the San-Andreas Fault.
Fording would like that too much.
hehe I feel yah on the review heat. I’m on the hot seat this week. :)
I gathered up my flying monkeys, well the ones Hillary wasn’t using, and we got the place cleaned up in a hurry. Can’t have beer bottles and hot pocket wrappers laying about when the reviewers are coming over!
Man it’s a freaking dog and pony show.
Lynn,
Thank you for your support. My wounds are healing quickly. I did wash a load of dishes last night, but Brent helped me. I think he was feeling bad about his earlier attitude. (Either that or he was concerned that I would not give him another prize.)
Chris C,
I’m really amazed that Hillary allowed any of the flying monkeys to break camp. How much did you have to “contribute” to her campaign for that?
Chris,
Please forgive Lynn’s squirrel for that last attack. The cute little tea cup moose was too much of a temptation. I’ve sent you a basket of peanut butter M&M’s to try to cheer the poor little guy up. Tell him that after my horrific paper shredder accident that I feel his pain, and am praying for his speedy recovery.
Debbie,
Please be safe. People with names like “anonymous” cannot be trusted. I am concerned. Please don’t “begin to like” him too much. Proceed with all caution, and remember that you are already a bigger person because you are brave enough to use your name.
John O.,
I’ll make you a deal. If you don’t make too much out of my paper shredder injury, I will not point and laugh at your neck. See you at church.
Jenn,
As always, thank you for your support of the OC. It is people like you that make the planet earth a beautiful place. Thank you for visiting.
Well Brent, sushi every Friday evening gets as old and as smelly as the dinner itself.
Thank you for your concern Camille, however; I’ve always been a sucker for mystery men. I’m sure he will reveal himself sooner or later and then I will lose interest.
I’ll never reveal myself! What can I say, I’m a sucker for suckers.
Lynn & Brent,
That enormous bunny reminds me of the evil bunny in the “So Fuzzy Crew.”
“The Apocalyptic Anthropomorphism of the Pure Evil Bunny was spawned in San Francisco and was first spotted in London around the turn of the millennium along with other characters in the So Fuzzy Crew. “
Strange but essential bunch of culture creatures. If it’s on its way to the OC we should take cover.
The minions didn’t cost as much as all the greasing of the reviewers’ palms I had to do. Man, after this week I am flat broke.
Chris C,
Your broke? Maybe you should use grease that doesn’t cost so much.
Chris C,
I feel your pain. Looks like you got tossed to the lions ahead of me. If you discover any secret survival strategy, try to smuggle it out for me.
Chris Non-C,
If you have a source for cheap grease, please share with the class.
Debbie,
It look like you have a net-stalker. It can be a little disorienting at first, but with the proper care and feeding and a full spectrum of shots, stalkers can make good pets.
Chris and Chris C. are more confusing than trying to keep up with Anon. Maybe one of you could go by your last name? (Shut up girl…who asked you?)
…I like pets…
I’ve caused quite a stir around here.
Brent you are a genius.
Lynn and the squirrel are the glue.
Chris and Chris are like M&M.
Camille…well, she is just lovely.
Jen is quite the natural beauty.
Debbie…um…well…she has issues.
Anon,
Sometimes shaken is better than stirred.
Thanks Anon.
Debb,
In the interest of keeping peace and harmony in the comma I will consider your request. In the interest of anonymity, however, I won’t use my last name. I am considering cool alternatives, check’em out:
G; it’s simple, its sophisticated, its grammatical!
big G: it feeds my ego, its red neckish.
G-man: after all, I may be a spy.
Though Anon has a great point, me and Chris C. have this M&M thing going. (it has character)
What do y’all think?
Camille,
Thanks for the concern for my tea cup moose. Fortunately the armor up grades prevented serious physical injury. However, the psychological scares remain. I think a whole basket of peanut butter M&Ms will be just what Dr T. ordered. He says to tell you that he has a paper shredder in his armor and you can use it whenever you want. Thanks for the prayers and I hope your recovery goes well.
Lynn,
Holy crap! That squirrel of yours is crazy! It took my whole arsenal of Bon Bon’s and Hershey’s Kisses to get him away from my moose. He’s cute though.
How’s that? :)
wait I was just thinking..wouldn’t Chris C and Chris Not-C work? Could even shorten it to C and Not-C!
Chris C,
Giving it a test drive! I think you are on to something here.
Chris not-C,
I like G-man or G. Flows well and women will love it.
Chris C,
Love the last name Cameron. You could just be Cameron.
That’s just me.
I’m with Debbie. Love Cameron. Don’t much like G though. Girl and gum start with G. It just doesn’t work as well as Cameron.
Debbie,
I met this great Japanese gardener recently. He has a gift for pruning.
Chris,
I was wondering why my squirrel threw up all night. Thanks. He is kind of cute in an attack squirrel kind of way.
Throwing up? That makes sense, Kevlar is difficult to digest.
And here I thought it was just too much chocolate! I thought those were nut remnants.
Lynn,
( 象は鼻が長いです )スキーに行くのが好きです。
Debbie,
Tú eres muy bonita, inteligente, y muy marivilosa.
Que?
Chris,
Tú eres muy guapo, inteligente, y muy feliz.
Debbie,
I’m sending Camille a get well card. Apparently she was not fully recoved from her paper shredder incident when she went back to karate class last night. Her hand slipped on the pad that was protecting her from getting kicked on the arm. She is black and blue. It just isn’t pretty. She has just been through so much this past week. Have a great day and be safe out there.
It looks like we have fallen short of the needed 150 to win Brent another prize. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
Lynn,
There is no shame in trying. Just in failing. At least that is what doctor T tell me.
Dr. T is an idiot. There I’ve said it. It’s what I’ve been thinking for five minutes, and it just needed to be said.
Please don’t tell Dr. T that I said that. I really don’t need the heat.
I suddenly feel the temperature rising for some reason.
Thank you Lynn, however; I must come clean and admit my Japanese is not what it used to be. Please do not ask your gardener for a translation, he may slap you.
Lynn,
I do not believe there is a time frame on this 150 comments to a prize thingy.
Lynn, please sign my name to Camille’s get well card. The more little commas wishing her well the better.
LYNN-
ARE WE GOING TO TAKE BRENT’S BOLD SUGGESTION THAT WE ARE LITTLE COMMA FAILURES FOR NOT REACHING THE COMMENT QUOTA AS OF YET?
We are just taking our own sweet time so he can sweat it a little…
98 Degrees and rising!
So close and yet so faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!
Well,
Maybe there is hope for all the little commas Lynn. Please sign my name to the get well card as well.
Just sign Anon.
Did the armor tea cup moose and the squirrel kill each other yet?
Did you hear that Brent is a communist?
He hates Friday.
Anon,
No the Tea cup moose and the squirrel have teamed up and will soon take over the worlds supply of chocolate and peanut butter…….. …. Just as soon as they take of Spooky for calling Brent a thinker. Don’t worry Brent, he will never do that to you again!
“Moose and Squirrel must die.”
Boris is evil pond scum. No he is worse than evil pond scum. He isn’t worthy to be the mucus on the pond scum. I am appalled. What kind of a monster are you?! You are probably one of those people who take candy from the baby and then eat it in front of them while they watch crying. You are worse than a communist. You are worse than a lawyer!
Debbie,
Can you believe that Boris person. Call Dr. T. Call Fording. The timeline must be moved up. Everything will have to be accelerated. We must get Boris.
Chris,
Strap on the moose’s armor. I have prepared the squirrel. Boris is going down.
I think Boris is a spy for Spooky.
Lynn,
You grab the chocolate, I’ve got the peanut butter! Cry havoc and unleash the squirrels and tea cup mooses of war!!!!!
Brent,
Can we borrow the Danger Cough ninja?
Yeah!!!
Brent,
Bring out the ninja!
Boris is going down!
That last pic of Dr. T should scare Boris a bit.
Boris! Get back here you bandity and quit your brat na pont.
Um…problem solved…
Boris and Alek,
Shalit shpana tat telet chefir tusovka!
Lynn,
That should do it! Boris and Alexsandra are history.
Brent, you may want to sum up the Danger Couch ninja just in case.
Need one more little comma to make 150!
You bated me over here to look at Boris comment –just to get me to make comment number 50! i won’t do it! I won’t be manipulated into making another comment!
Not even for ice cream rjlight?
rj,
It was comment 150! not 50! YEAH, we made it. Brent will get another prize. Great job Brent!!! You are the man! I hope it’s a good one! Way to go.
Debbie,
We did it, we did it!
Chris,
Did you see that. Boris could not stand up to the full power of the armored tea cup moose and the squirrel in unity! Moose and squirrel are an entire army unto themselves! Way to go!
Thanks Brent, but the ninja can rest easy tonight.
WOW.
I completely forgot about this post. These comments truly are dizzying.
Perhaps the next prize Camille awards to Brent will be for something like no comments. My head hurts just thinking about what it would take to get to 200 if she ups the ante again.
Squirrels throwing up, Japanese, Moose and squirrel vs. Boris and Aleksandra…
Whichever anonymous (I believe there are more than one among us) gave me the compliment, thank you.
Whoever has the peanut butter M&Ms, please pass them this way.
My tea cup moose and myself should very much like to dine. Hey, what prize does Brent get this time, by the way?
A gift card to the dollar store?
“Moose and Squirrel have escaped, but we will get them next time”
I really like people who use the word ‘furthermore.’
Thank you Polliwog, we aim to please.
We miss a lot, but every once in a while we hit the target.
Oh it was Boris from Rocky and Bullwinkle…Oops!
It’s ok Debbie,
I did not get that one right away either. Squirrel pointed it out.