Books I Haven’t Finished
By Brent Diggs on Oct 29, 2007 in Adventures of the Author, Humor
In the lustrous, halcyon days of my youth, in that long passed season when MTV played music and professional basketball players somehow survived without tattoos or bodyguards, in a time remembered largely for Reganomics and reckless fashion-sense, I used to read.
In fact, I used to read a lot.
At the risk of waxing boastful, let me to say that for the purpose of this story, a “lot” was measured not by the word, or by the page, but rather by the pound of printed material.
I used to consume books like it was calorie amnesty night at Baskin Robbins.
I wouldn’t waste my time with lightweights like Dostoevski or Hemingway, but instead went straight to the hard stuff.
I refer of course to Asimov, Bova and other luminaries of the science fiction pantheon.
A perfect weekend for me would begin by dragging home a half-dozen paperbacks, carefully chosen from the library on the basis of detail and air-brushed coolness of their cover art.
Then, in an informational inrush that would eventually inspire key elements of the film The Matrix, I would plow throw page after page in a eye-flickering frenzy of speed-reading might, until the clock showed the small numbers and I found myself admiring the delicate arrangement of blurry type on the yellowed page.*
The rest of the weekend would follow in a similar pattern until I finally returned to school on Monday with a cranium so filled with futuristic knowledge, that I had no room for further education. Which is precisely why I dedicated my classroom time to sketching spaceships, laser guns, giant robotic snakes and other trophies of my true tutelage.
That I graduated high school at all was only due to the fact that I possessed an equally developed level of reading comprehension that through no fault of my own, and even less effort, caused information to stick to my brain like super-glued duct tape.
Without anything that might be mistaken for intention, I was able to grasp and remember information from textbooks, weeks and even months after originally reading them.
Like so many other blessings of youth, I naively assumed that this gift would be mine to squander forever.
But recently, something has happened. Due to some invading alien entity or cholesterol redistribution in my brain, my delicate neural pathways have been mysteriously rewired, stripping me of my once superhuman powers of literacy.
Following the lead of my traitorous metabolism, my reading speed and comprehension have both slowed to miserable shadows of their former might.**
The worst part of this semi-senility is that it has left me with a shameful pile of half finished books. The same volumes that seemed so full of charm and vitality on the store shelves now lie as lifeless testaments to my lost concentration and mental alacrity.
I won’t drive you to distraction with the full list, but here are the highlights:
Warped Passages by Lisa Randall
I bought this book thinking I would finally have a chance to understand string theory and quantum physics, but unfortunately the only revelation I have been able to wring from it so far is about the relentless and unexpected nature of sleep.
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
I hadn’t even thought to read the Great American Novel until Matthew at Defective Yeti confessed his failure to complete it. Smugly, I snatched up a copy and settled down to set the pages ablaze, determined to show him just who his humor blogging daddy really was.
My fire petered out at page 287, extinguished by weight of rabbit trails and asides longer than some books I‘ve read.
Walking on Water by Madeleine L’Engle
I ordered this book, having had it recommended to me some years before by some traveling musicians. Sadly, author Madeleine L’Engle better known for A Wrinkle in Time, apparently gave up waiting on me and died before I could finish it.
I still have fifteen pages to go.
Antisocial Commentary by Rob Kroese
The fact that I have not yet finished this book says nothing about its quality. It is actually quite funny. In fact many of the stories in this book are suspiciously funnier than the posts they were adapted from.
I know we’re all thinking it, so let me be the first to say it: This book shows all the signs of steroid-fueled genetic tampering.
I’m sure the Literary Anti-Doping Agency, Paperback Division will have a field day with this, but until they spring the trap, I am keeping my copy in the bathroom, where I find the hearty chuckles it inspires to be helpful in keeping my bowels neat and tidy.
Yes, this book is an offense to the natural order of humor. Yes, it’s unfair to third world humorists who lack access to literary stacking technology, but in the end all that really means is that I read it with guilty laughter and a measure of self-disgust.
Very slowly.
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*I feel it would be wise to explain that the color of pages in no way implies any sort of “accident” or other biological function mishap, but refers rather to the average age of fine reading material in the Beaverton School System libraries.
**I’m sure the truth of the situation has more to do with web-induced ADD and other side-effects of wholesale blog promotion then any actual mental malfunction, but truth doesn’t sell blog posts now does it?
—-
La la la la la, I’m singing the praises of humor-blogs.com
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If you only have 15 pages left in a book, then just finish it! It seems very strange to me that you would stop at page 289, maybe page 28 or 50, but 289! Please just finish the book! What is wrong with you? Get some discipline! That is pathetic!
We won’t talk about all the books I have not finished, or the fact that I sometimes only read the last 15 pages of a book.
I have looking for some for a long time, in hopes that they would wash my car, do my shopping and carry me around on their shoulders will proclaiming my greatness….
Wait, did you say discipline? I thought you meant disciples.
Never mind.
Brent,
Your problem that your brain is full. I know it’s hard to believe, but I faced this problem myself about ten years ago. Your only option is to delete some unused data.
Try starting with your childhood. You really don’t use most of what you were taught as a child, and, with the exception of “potty training” there is not much call for this data in your present daily life. If you are fortunate enough to have siblings you can always rely on there recollections (if needed). I have found that my sister has retained a detailed list of every stupid thing I’ve ever done so I have a “backup”.
If space is still a problem try deleting the collage years. I know you were holding on to that in case you ever visit the planet your professors came from, but, take it from me if the mother ship comes for you they are going to wipe your memory anyway.
Finally, you can drop all space required to know things like “where are my car keys?” or “where is my wallet?” (That’s why we have wives) Beware however as those files are dangerously close to “Does this make me look fat?” You don’t want to delete the answer to that. In fact while you are in there you might want to write protect that file.
John O.
Thanks John, since I actually have the answer to the fat/pants dilemma tattooed on my arm, I guess I am free to take a magnet to my brain.
That might be just the thing to generate a new Information Attraction Field.
I started The Land of the Changing Sun by William N Harben just because of the cool title. The plot was intriguing: “two men are stranded on a desolate uninhabited island in the Atlantic Ocean, from where they are rescued by a strange underwater craft and transported to a new world. Here they encounter a race of humans physically and mentally superior to those from their own world, living in a civilization scientifically far more advanced than their own, under a sun that changes color every hour”. A sun that changes color every hour? How cool is that? But the rest of it just sucked.
Some other books I’ve told people I read but never really finished (unless reading the first and last chapters without reading the middle chapters counts as finishing):
Tess of the d’Urbervilles (this one was not my fault; my 7th grade English teacher took it away from me and said it was too advanced for me to do a book report)
The Metamorphosis (by Kafka…need I say more?)
How to Live on Twenty-Four Hours a Day (just didn’t have the time to read)
Finnegan’s Wake (most complicated novel I have ever attempted)
Beowulf (who wants to read a book by an Anon anyway)
I have read many sci-fi / fantasy pieces that failed to provide antiquate service to the exciting concepts they were based on.
Although I’ve never read it, the book by Harben sounds like one of those.
On the other hand, I liked The Metamorphosis very much, and have pleasant memories of Beowulf after the initially struggling to mentally translate its ancient dialect.
I haven’t heard of your other selections but I don’t know how I would get by on only 24 hours per day. I need my rest.
http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/article1329421.ece
Might I recommend How to Talk About Books You Haven’t Read, by Pierre Bayard?
(I haven’t read it, but here it’s great)
Hmmm…I’m not sure I like this. Little ol’ me can get away with some minute fabrication but a professor of literature?
Are you sure that’s not The Onion? If that story is for real than I am afraid for mainstream news.
http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/article1329421.ece
Might I recommend How to Talk About Books You Haven’t Read, by Pierre Bayard?
(I haven’t read it, but hear it’s great)
I suppose my ‘here’ homonym solecism (ahem) could’ve just as easily referred to the link I’d posted above…’here, it’s great’
Argh. Need another coffee.
Or like in my post “there” instead of “their”, (sometimes I’m just plain stoopid)
Oh no, it’s all about context. The juxtaposition of the link on this humble page made all the difference.
You also spelled college, collage.
That’s the way we spell it in the south…..
I thought it was just skooell.
no its hi-skooell (that would be 5th grade) us real smart ones went on the 6th grade (that is grad-u-right work)
I have to admit that I knew Brent in highschool. (It’s hard to tell people that) I always wondered what he did on the weekends. We hardly ever saw him.
I told you. It was the invisibility formula I was working on. You guys never listened.
How did that work out?
Well, it seems that if you truly want to remain undetected, you have to cut back on the aftershave as well.
Live and learn I always say.
(I like to break it up into forty year chunks, and it’s almost time to start the learning phase.)
don’t tell people my age!!
Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.
Hey, if you want to date yourself, go ahead.
But you might want to bring your husband along.
I used to have that same amazing “duct tape” ability. It’s gone now, just like yours. It’s called “age.” Face it, we’re just old. LOL
There’s got to be some recycling program to inject us with fresh adhesive.
Maybe one of the toner refill operations could branch out:
Braincycling - the ultimate green endeavor.
Have I not taught you anything in the couple weeks I’ve been stalking your blog?! I swear, some people!
It’s called Liquid Brain-O. Better known as coffee to the unfortunate unaware.
In sufficient quantities, you can reach levels of concentration and enlightenment that were previously reserved for amphetamines. Perhaps you need to take a good listen to my speech on the subject.
IV drip man. That’s where it’s at.
I have a library full of books, all of which I have not read.
They do make me look incredibly clever, though, and are also useful for hurling at servants or beggars.
I do have a nice collection of hardcovers set aside for just that purpose. British Aristocratic authors mostly, with an occasional tax code or presidential memoir thrown in for extra heft.
Good call Your Lordship
I did the next best thing. I married a book worm. Factor in that we both have kept our college texts (her - Education / Me - IT), Every room of our home has at least one piece of literature with some serious heft.
I feel sorry for anyone that ever tried to break into our home. Talk about lethal literature.
I am so glad that I do not work for Lord Likely. My boss only throws paperbacks at me.
I might have to get him an encyclopedia set if you don’t start being a little nicer to me.
‘The osterman weekend’ by robert ludlum, started reading it at least two years ago but never finished it. Theres a film of it isnt there….
I dont see why anyone would read a book by someone called ‘Herman’
Unless it was our own Herman Fording. He’s the bomb. And the plane. And the helpless target on the ground.
Ok, I have a kinda sorta similar post in the writing queue but now I’ll have to wait. But it’s lovely that great minds think alike.
How strange — I have had an eerily similar experience, from the weekend reading sprees (I actually used to read in class with the book in my lap) to the recent inability to stick to any book.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s my age but I’m only in my thirties. Then, I think maybe I’ve read so much that only total excellence can hold my attention past two chapters.
-Melissa Donovan
Writing for Writers
I think that is part of it, at least in my case. I remember wading through really bad books rather than give up on them.
I just don’t have that kind of time these days.
I also think I significant part of it is internet information overload. I have started unplugging and taking every Saturday as an internet-free zone and it has seemed to help.
lol its ok!
i hardly know anyone that has actually finished moby dick!
My sister has. She has also read “Gone with the Wind” about 3 times. I keep telling her that’s nothing to brag about really.
Now, let’s not be too hasty. Gone With the Wind is a great book, but you are right. Two times is ok, but the 3rd time seems a bit like saying that one does not have a life.
Oh she has a life; she just brings her books along to accompany it at all times. If someone says something even remotely interesting then she may look up. Luckily her husband is an avid reader/writer himself.
Hi Brent,
Fascinating reading the comments…never mind the post lol. I have many unfinished books, ranging from biographies, ancient history, the Great War and so on, but many you can put down and simply return to at a later date when time is less pressing.
You have a Totally Fabulous award for this blog at http://grottynosh.wordpress.com/2007/10/29/more-awards-2/
Colin
Thank you Colin.
I broke with my strict no-memeing rule last week for Blogging Week and now it is out of my system like last week’s chili.
I’m sure I will
attack itaddress it the next time I whip myself into a meme frenzy.Colin please excuse Brent’s snideness and snark. I think it was all that chili. It is a very nice award and I’m sure he’ll be grateful someday.
At least that is what I keep telling myself.
Personally, I’m still trying to finish “The Elegant Universe”, “Six Easy Pieces”, and “Six Not So Easy Pieces” (last two by Richard Feynman).
Where does all the time go? (I think the answer to that question might be in The Elegant Universe but I’ve never read it.)
You’re just reading the wrong books. Find the right books, and you’ll finish them. You don’t have time to waste anymore on long-winded stories about whale privates. Focus on useful skills.
Zombie Survival Guide. I read it in about two hours. Then, I started having non-stop zombie practice dreams. BELIEVE ME, come the zombie apocalypse, I know which ones of you are gonna be an asset, and which ones are gonna get me eaten. DON’T CALL ME, I’ll call you!
How to BE rich. Too many books out there on how to get rich. I already read those. I need to know how to BE rich. What’s the best way to squander my millions? Getty blew money better than anyone. Has Trump ever built a $10 billion art museum? I don’t think so. Now, I just need a companion book “How to Get Rich while Being Shiftless and Lazy”.
EVERYONE POOPS
No, really. They DO! This book blew my mind.
Now get reading, Brent!
The list of Books I Wish I Had Written just got a little longer.
You know, I did finish Cat’s Cradle recently. Rather quickly too.
A fine post Brent.
Reading is woefully outdated. I confidently discuss Joyce, Tolstoy, Goethe and King (steven) without having picked up any of them.
Life’s to short and it’s official no-one has ever read Ulysses.
Thank you Ploop,
There are a few pieces of classical literature I still hope to read, but you are right: Life is too short to do things just for the sake of saying you’ve done them.
Besides when discussing the greats I think it might be more fun to make it all up as you go.
I have been trying to read, “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” for years. It’s very humiliating. So many people have said things like, “Amazing book!”"Brilliant author!”"A life changer!” For two decades, it’s sat on my bookshelf. I glance at it sadly from time to time, knowing that my entire world would change for the better, if I could just could get past chapter three.
I’ve never read it either. I sold my motorcycle before it really became necessary.
Sorry Brent, I just wanted to reach 50 comments.
(Sigh)
Old habits (comment inflation syndrome) die hard!
Thanks for the shout-out, Brent! Sorry it took me so long to get my ass over here….
Just for that we’re going to have to burn a couple of your books.
I’ve got a match…
I’m still reading Don Quixote - three years later. I’ve also been known to read Archie in two sittings.
Perhaps you are just tilting at windmills.
This is great. You really did a good job thanks.
Thank you Ann.
I amazed at the wealth of diabetes information you have at your site. Thank you for such a community service.