Chicken Soup for the Mangled Carcass of a Writer
By Brent Diggs on Oct 1, 2007 in Adventures of the Author, Humor
Inspiration can strike anywhere. Yesterday it hit me between the fourth and fifth toes of the right foot.
I was in the bathroom, attending to wounds that have stubbornly outlived my Career in the Industrial Environment, when the fateful blow fell, and no amount of flushing has so far been able to dispel its aromatic repercussions.
The injury in question was a nasty blistering bunion-thing that had taken up residence between my toes, and seemed quite content to stay there and wait for equity to build in the right-hand foot market. This unwanted neighbor was not a natural outworking of inter-toe relations, but was instead an unpleasant result of one of the lesser known works of the devil: the Steel Toe Safety Shoe.
The operating principle behind the Steel Toe Safety Shoe is simple: take five healthy toes and huddle them together for safety and mutual comfort in a space normally reserved for three. As part of a national conspiracy of podiatrists, Steel Toes are mandatory on most industrial jobs, required by OSHA under the This Little Piggy Protection Act. Personally, I cannot tell you how many times I have reassured myself with the thought that if ever were I to be crushed by falling objects or fashionably pierced by a large steel girder, my toes would live on, safely ensconced in their impact resistant shell.
My toes, however, have never seemed to share this sentiment.
Ingrates that they are, my little foot-digits have never appreciated their years of confinement, and have often displayed their lack of gratitude with random outcroppings of aggravated nerve cells. The only way I have found to soothe this tender situation is to separate my offended extremities like quarrelsome children, sending each one a separate region of the foot, buffered and generally kept out of trouble by small adhesive bandages.
It was while applying these bandages that I noticed something that I had never seen before:
Instructions.
Despite having well over thirty years of experience with my skin and the various punctures, perforations, and warrantee voiding negligence I have subjected it to, I had never noticed that adhesive bandages came equipped with actual step by step directions for their use.
Like many other mundane chores, such as tying my shoes or the appropriate use of toilet paper, the only instruction I had ever received on bandage application came from my mother. The basic outline goes something like this:
- Comfort the injured individual. Use reassuring phrases such as “You call that a owie?” or “I’ve had worse than that in my eye.”
- Clean the wound. Soap and water is acceptable, but for best results use more aggressive disinfectants like iodine, hydrogen peroxide, or paint thinner.
- Bandage the wound. For maximum adhesive performance, make sure the bandage is long enough to anchor to one or more large patches of hair.
- Allow the body to heal. Send the wounded individual promptly to bed to take advantage of the body’s special healing abilities that are only available during the broadcast of primetime television.*
Steeped in such a rich tradition of medical training, it never occurred to me that there was a “correct” way to apply a bandage, or that anyone would write it down.
It took a couple of seconds for the implications of my discovery to hit me:
Somebody wrote those instructions.
Somebody was paid to write those instructions.
Suddenly, a whole new career field opened up to me. I didn’t have be a fiction writer, or a non-fiction writer, or even a technical writer, I could be an obvious writer. I could forge a new and glorious career by writing down things that everyone already knows.
Most importantly, no research would be required.
I hope this isn’t a government job.
—–
*Note: hyperbole is one of the staple elements in the art of humor. My mother is actually very kind and forgiving. Just the same, if she comes looking for me, I was never here.
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This post currently being fitted for joke protection at humor-blogs.com
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I just wanted to let everyone know that in honor of a special blog milestone my column today is open to the readers to create in the comments section. I have a great list of funny topics, and you can write what you like on any of them. It can be a sentence or two. It can be one hundred words.
But it is yours to create. So come on by and have at it.
You know, I’ve had the same thoughts about whoever wrote the instructions for shampoo. “Lather, rinse, repeat” I could have come up with that!
There are some pretty absurd warning labels out there on products the days as well. i.e.
Do not use blow drier in the shower.
Do not let children play inside dishwasher.
Warning this peanut butter contains peanuts.
I am submitting a generic warning label the 10% out there who really needs an explanation for what the rest of us already know.
If you are stupid, do not buy this product.
Yeah, so anyone who wants to point out my bad grammar while making fun of stupid people……please……. feel free. It is not only necessary but justified. Meanwhile, I’ll go wipe the drool from my chin and get some more coffee. Clearly, I need it.
Chris, are you sure?
Why else would they have waterproof extension cords, if not to let your hairdryer reach all the way to the shower?
The obvious question and answer.
Do you think it’ll rain if it starts?
to LOTGk — Yes, all day long.
and. Peanut Butter contains peanuts? really?
See what I mean?
I thought they just called it Peanut Butter because it sounded more marketable than Lima Bean Paste.
Who would have thought?
Clearly, not Chris’s 10%
Once you get caught up with Obvious Things, could you please write a short piece on how the h*$# to fold a fitted mattress sheet?
Why are you even trying? Just wad in a ball and throw it in the pantry.
Is that a one-step instruction, or two? I have to write this down correctly.
Sure thing,
Let me give you a teaser for now: the hardest part is getting the mattress to fold in even pieces.
(There should some sort of law enforcement agency for people to call upon in these sort of situations. It could be headed up by a macho-named director, and manned by the most diligent investigators that snickers can buy.)
(Someday. Sigh)
I hate, hate did I say hate folding fitted sheets. Yes, I wad them up until my husband comes and asks “is this clean or dirty?” My husband would never wad anything well except maybe his underpants, but I love him.
Since I’m sure you could write my grocery list and be funny, I’m all for you taking on this new career.
I look forward to reading your work on my toothpaste package.
Everything has instructions these days. You should hit up McDonalds for some product instruction writing as they’re always getting sued. Besides, those french fries confuse me.
I know what you mean about fries. Which end is up?
I love this site. I love the title of this post. I love Paris in the spring. And I’ve added you to my RSS feed.
Thank you.
Being RSS worthy is one of the ultimate validations in life, falling just bellow the Lifetime Chocolate Brownie Award. (I want that bad.)
I’ve never been to Paris, but I’ve been to Moonbeam McQueen and I like it. I have always been a sucker for blue-tounged kids. I’ll be back for more.
I love this…excellent writing and wry humor. Plus I truly wish I had thought of the Chicken Soup twist first. Those books make Hallmark look deep.
Thank you, I really enjoyed the “Mammon” ad you ran a while back. I was just too shy to say so at the time.
Thank you for the lovely word picture of your bunion. You have helped jump start my diet, and for that I am eternally grateful.
As for the instructions, the world needs ditch diggers, nail polish name creators, band aid instruction writers too.
Weight loss is only one of the services we offer.
As for nail polish nails names, I have narrowed it down to three finalists:
Dingy Dijon
Moldy Mayo
Krusty Ketchup
Let me know which one you go with and I’ll get our art department out on bail. This is going to be great.
I think I have to go with Moldy Mayo, sounds perfect for halloween.
Hope they get out on bail fast enough to get it done for this all important holiday.
okay, is it a sandwich thing? I mean does mayonnaise have peanuts too?
I luv ya Brent, but I just can’t get past my first thought when I read this post: ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!
My foot phobia is almost as bad as my jello phobia. Actually it’s worse.
After quelling the urge to vomit, I laughed really really hard at this post.
Maybe I’m cured.
We will put that theory to the test tomorrow. Don’t ask me any questions, I’ve already said too much.
Thanks for visiting my blog. You made me visit you by the interesting picture of you upside down looking into my blog. Nice marketing. :) lol
I have really enjoyed my stay here and love your writing. I will be back again!
I used to be in the Navy years ago and had to wear those steel-toe shoes. O…M….G….they tore my feet up!! I don’t have the pain that you are describing today, however some of the nails on my toes don’t grow straight anymore. Some of them grow towards an angle and it is just outright weird!
On another note, I would like to write one instruction:
If you want to laugh, check out Brent’s Blog! :)
Thank you Catherine,
As a recovering jarhead, I am well familiar with the Department of the Navy’s disregard for personal hardship and suffering. In fact they rather seem to enjoy it.
Over at your blog, I noticed that you are also a adult college student. Yet another pain that we share.
Please consider the Comma a form of group therapy, a lot of people do.
Of course all of them are straight-up wacko, but what can you expect for free?
Thank you for your visit.
You made me laugh again! I just went to my blog to create a new posting and there you were hanging upside down. :) I just love that pic.
What was your rate in the Navy? Aren’t you glad to be out? I am very happy to be out. It was back in ‘94 that I escaped. :)
Yes, I am going to school. In fact, I should be studying right now instead of reading your blog!
I’m going to add a link to your blog on my blog, if you don’t mind. Let me know and I’ll remove it if you like.
Thank you again.
I was a sergeant of Marines when I escaped the service many moons ago and I should also be studying, but I am just evil that way.
Any links from your or your friends would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
And just think, someone was also paid to decide that putting “have a happy period!” on a box of maxi-pads was a good idea too. The opportunities are limitless …
That is great. I am inspired to have a parting greeting along the lines of, “And pleasant biological functions to you.”
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