Confessions Of A Highly Gifted Author

This is it. The first post of a new year.

At this auspicious juncture, many writers would take the opportunity to look back over the recently expired year and reflect on personal accomplishments, world events, or even sizable bowel movements.

But many writers don’t run this site.

Although several have been known to gaze with desire upon its fearsome might, none have succeeded in wresting the reigns of powers from my adjective-infused grasp.*

So as the controlling interest of this publication, I have chosen to ruminate upon a more noble and uplifting topic. Specifically, Cool Things I Got For Christmas.

Important Note:

Although I am on the verge of openly basking in the glory of my materialistic holiday gains and those who bestowed them upon me, don’t think for a minute that Christmas is in any way about anything as petty as stuff.

Christmas is about people. It is about family, friends, coworkers, and anyone else who, with the least bit of human kindness on this festive occasion, might be motivated to give you the petty stuff .

Now that we have established this crucial distinction, let’s look at the loot.

Ominous Calligraphy

First up is this beautifully handmade display of letters in motion, provided as literary inspiration by the traumatically snubbed Roann. If your neo-annual resolutions include the desire to improve your overall level of culture and artistic appreciation, I recommend that you visit her site immediately and buy one of everything.

My Newest Book

Next is Steve Martin’s latest book, Born Standing Up. This inspiring autobiography was provided by Little Miss Ominous, and is nicely previewed by longtime Comma supporter and frequent commentor, Debbie, on her shiny new blog.

Never one to espouse a lopsided approach to gift distribution, every month is Christmas for Debbie, as she contributes to the intellectual property value of this publication via the Donate a Latte button conveniently located on every post of this blog.

The Ominous Aperture

Appalled at the apparently disturbing color-impairment inflicted by the last camera she donated, my sister, Ihavenonickname, provided the Comma community with this snazzy, new (to me) image-snatching appliance. It is replete with more than enough menus and modes to ensure that I will be offending the color-perceptions of readers for years to come with my stunning photographic ineptitude.

Baby Comma Presents

Doctor Toboggans will also be offending the senses this year with this lovely tie, provided and modeled by Baby Comma. The Arrogant One also received these delicious looking snacks, but refuses to share them with his blogmates.

Psychiatric Snacks

His shocking display of ingratitude and selfishness reminds me of YouthfulOne.

Particularly, how as Comment Contest Winner, she was robbed of any sort of worthwhile prize for her efforts. As you may recall, she was promised:

…generous bragging rights and a copy of Doctor T’s podcast: Ridding Yourself of Perfectly Normal Eccentricities and Large Amounts of Currency.

And ended up with:

…a highly glamorous and exciting lifestyle pretty much indistinguishable from the one she currently leads. She has also won an exclusive podcast of the doctor’s incoherent babblings as well as simply staggering amounts of glory and prestige.

In the spirit of grace and mercy that occasionally still associates with this time of year, I could not bring myself to assault her with further exposure to Dr. T. So I have upgraded her prize, and am instead sending her a copy of my own live comedy DVD.***

The Prize

Watch it in good health YouthfulOne, you’ve earned it.

Happy New Year everyone. See you Friday.

—-

*For those interested in trying, the title will be on the line at WBF** ReignWrest XII.

**The World Blogcast Flatulation is the premier authorship combat league in the western hemisphere, matched only by Beijing’s Westheimer Excursionary Bloggafiends in fierceness and payperstat syndication.

***Those looking for a punch line will be disappointed. I really do have a DVD. Hard to believe I know.

—–
This post reminiscing nostalgically over 2007 at humor-blogs.com

RSS feed | Trackback URI

39 Comments »

Comment by MadMad
2008-01-02 09:15:01

That IS quite a haul, isn’t it? Happy New Year, OC!

Comment by Brent
2008-01-02 22:03:34

Yes, there was so much loot that I threw out my spleen twice. Fortunately, due to my stunning occasional bouts of wisdom, I had stockpiled a generous supply of Organ Needles before they completely sold out and I was able to string myself along.

Happy New Year.

 
 
Comment by JMorris
2008-01-02 10:19:32

Love the tie. :-D

Somehow, I got through this year without one, thankfully. Although, I did get a belt that reminded me of Dances with Wolves. Alas, it’s fate is predestined to be a member of the Returned to the Store epic.

Why you gotta dangle chocolates in front of me like that? You evil man you! :-P

Hope your Christmas and New Years was enjoyable!

Comment by Brent
2008-01-02 19:51:21

I just stumbled across the doctor’s cache of chocolate, carefully hidden under his pickled rodent collection. Despite their unforunate name, these toboggans are delicious.

Mmmm…(crunch, crunch, swallow)…Just the thing to snack on in a long Belt-Mart return line.

What, is thing thing still on? Sorry!

 
 
2008-01-02 11:18:57

I got my dutiful, saintly husband and father of my six kids a lint brush for Christmas. But it was a fancy battery-operated lint brush with secret compartments.

He got me a really nice digital camera.

Yeah.

Born Standing Up? Does that mean that Steve Martin has only used urinals his whole life?

Comment by Brent
2008-01-02 19:54:34

He gave you six adorable bundles of gas and all you gave him a lint brush?

I’d say he got off easy. Especially if you factor in labor.

As for Steve Martin, you should have seen his delivery.

 
 
Comment by Debbie
2008-01-02 11:20:31

My latte contribution is nothing compared to what I get in return. I’m sure all your fans would agree…AFTER THEY CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR LATTE FUND AS WELL! (cheap bast*rds)

I’m on page 47 of Born Standing Up.

Comment by Brent
2008-01-02 21:59:03

So you haven’t come to the part where he dies?

As for the latte fund, there is no need for recriminations. One cent freely given is worth more than a roll of bills manipulatively gained.

Especially if they are overdue bills. Those late fees can make your wallet bulimic.

Comment by Debbie
2008-01-03 10:36:33

Steve Martin is dead? I knew that was not really him on Tim Russert’s Meet the Press last Saturday.

Of course I was kidding about the fund contribution. All in good time the pennies will roll in…

I think I’m late on my December humor fee…please do not report me to the credit bureau!

Comment by Anon
2008-01-05 20:46:38

Debbie is pretty hot….. just thought I’d point that out just in case no one else noticed.

Comment by Debbie
2008-01-07 09:40:38

This must be a new Anon. The old one said I had “issues”!

Thanks for the compliment Anon!

(Comments wont nest below this level)
Comment by Anon
2008-01-07 19:11:42

Its still me and you still have issues, but now I know you are a hot chick with issues. ;)

 
Comment by Brent
2008-01-07 19:57:29

This sort of commenting harassment will simply not be tolerated at this site. To judge a woman by her access to air conditioning is not just shallow, it is wrong.

See that it never happens again.

 
Comment by Anon
2008-01-07 20:04:29

Sorry……. It won’t happen again. Besides I read her page again and saw that she is a liberal. Which means her issues go deeper than I thought*.

*I really am just kidding about that last one. (liberal chicks are sexy)

 
Comment by Chris non-C
2008-01-07 20:35:09

Easy buddy, my teacup moose is gonna get jealous. She’s his favorite!!

Sorry Lynn and Camille, but he shares her jello phobia.

 
 
 
 
 
 
Comment by wolf
2008-01-02 12:11:32

My gift card to BestBuy does not quite match the awesomeness of the DangerCouch DVD.
But it’s close.

Comment by Brent
2008-01-02 19:59:09

It is actually quite dangerous to store any magnetized card too close to a DangerCouch DVD.

Those sneaky discs have been known to use the cards to erase entire VHS libraries and buy themselves mail-order date movies while they’re at it.

 
 
Comment by Roann
2008-01-02 13:32:59

Wow, I am so honored! You are officially back at the top of my hero list.

Steve Martin’s book is great - I also got it for Christmas and read the whole thing.

Thanks for the plug. I will gladly donate a percentage of any sales that are generated from this site to The OC coffee fund!

Happy New Year!

Comment by Brent
2008-01-02 22:17:34

I have also finished the book. I found it inspiring to think that maybe there is still something original to be done.

I am also happy to show off your work because you definitely deserve some appreciative patrons.

I just don’t know how much market overlap we share.

Maybe to maximize our cross-promotion, we should offer a collection of beautiful, hand-lettered, dryly witty, nearly amusing, never-ending sentences.

We might almost cover the cost of materials.

 
 
Comment by Youthful One
2008-01-02 14:09:35

“His shocking display of ingratitude and selfishness reminds me of YouthfulOne.”

Gee, I don’t know if I should tearfullly repent, or take a bow.

I am eagerly awaiting my prize. Upon whose arrival I will sneak away to the dvd player, with popcorn and chocolate in hand, late at night, after the rest of my household are asleep, to return to my teenage alter ego and watch with unfettered twittering and giggles.

Any hope of a cameo appearance by Mr. Flask?

(Wow, isn’t it interesting how that sounds SO different as an adult?)

Comment by Brent
2008-01-02 20:11:31

Sorry, no Flask.

The film itself hasn’t technically been shipped yet either, at least not in the strictest sense of the word. Fortunately the mail forecast tomorrow looks really good.

Soon it will be delivered to your house, and when it arrives, a pringly good time will be had by all(of yourself).

Comment by Youthful One
2008-01-06 01:08:54

No Flask, eh? LIAR!

I’ll have you know, Mr. Flask sent me an autographed picture with his note of congrats!

That hunk of pyrex physique is truly remarkable. I’m hanging it up at my desk to dream of his some day whisking me off in an adventure (when he finally wises up and ditches that ditzy Patty Pipette chick). I’m telling you, Thugs is no match for the likes of me and Mr. Flask together.

He forgot the Pringles though. :(

 
 
 
Comment by Rickey Henderson
2008-01-02 15:58:40

That is some most excellent loot buddy. Rickey is a big fan of that Steve Martin book as well…

Comment by Brent
2008-01-02 21:17:45

I’ve heard it told that Steve is a big Ricky fan as well.

 
 
Comment by diesel
2008-01-02 23:17:26

I may need to check out that Steve Martin book. He’s written some great stuff.

Happy New Year, Comma family!

Comment by Brent
2008-01-07 20:48:03

It’s no Antisocial Commentary, but it’s still pretty good.

 
 
Comment by Lynn
2008-01-02 23:44:33

Debbie,
I also gladly contribute to the latte fund. It is a worthwhile endeavor.

Comment by Debbie
2008-01-03 10:48:23

Hmmm…I’m sensing no one got the joke.

All the Little Commas are wonderful contributors to the OC!

(leave the humor to the professionals Debbie!)

 
 
Comment by Pope Terry
2008-01-03 03:02:59

So your calling me unoriginal are you… yeah well fair enough really.

Comment by Brent
2008-01-07 20:52:04

On the contrary, there is nothing more original than pandas marked for death, playing their own funeral dirge. It makes me feel good to be alive.

Happy New Year.

 
 
Comment by Bennie
2008-01-03 17:54:49

Brent,
I scanned your puny loot….compared to mine-:) I must admit that I am unequivocally baffled by the fact that no one deemed your royal awesomeness worthy of the almighty wii eh? Unless of course you didn’t care for one.

Btw, if you could use a ha, ha, ha, moment or so, swing by. There’s something wicked brewing in my neck of blogsville.

Comment by Brent
2008-01-07 20:56:02

With all this writing, who has time to play games? Or watch TV, or digest food?

(Spoken like a man whose kids routinely beat him at video games.)

 
 
Comment by Catherine
2008-01-04 00:20:56

I haven’t commented in a while and for that I greatly and deeply apologize. I would like you to know that I do receive your new posts in my gmail account and laugh myself silly in the fishbowl at work. This doesn’t look very good in a fishbowl of eight people because they just don’t understand what could be so funny because they have no humor. (It IS a fishbowl!! It’s a room surrounded in glass that everyone on the outside can peer into..I now have respect and a new understanding for the gorillas at the zoo…).

I’ve missed commenting and reading the comments here in CommaLand and am glad to be back!

Thanks for sharing your loot! Well, not exactly sharing…just seeing pics of it all…though I WOULD like to try that candy…

Comment by Camille
2008-01-04 04:19:07

I have to say that the candy is quite delicious. Welcome back Catherine.

Comment by Brent
2008-01-07 19:58:57

Hands off my goodies, woman.

Welcome back, Catherine.

 
 
 
Comment by rjlight
2008-01-05 13:15:13

I read an excerpt from the Steve Martin book, and it looked interesting…
Happy New Year Ominous-Cominous!

Comment by Brent
2008-01-07 20:00:10

It is really good, I recommend it to anyone.

 
 
Comment by Marie
2008-01-07 00:02:34

You made out way better than I did. I gaze with desire upon your gifts. I told my husband that I wanted some peppermint bark for Christmas, so he got me some. Nothing else. He didn’t even wrap it or put it under the tree, just kind of handed it to me.

Comment by Brent
2008-01-07 20:44:29

I admire his directness: no games, no disguises, no detours. It makes me proud to be a man.

In fact, I am feeling a rush of testosterone just typing this. No time to chat, I have to find something to hunt.

 
 
Name
E-mail
URI
Subscribe to comments via email
Your Comment (smaller size | larger size)
You may use <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong> in your comment.
  • Fresh Little Commas

  • Recent Posts

  • Today's Sponsor

    The Coalition of the Chronically Unemployed,
    “Why take one day off when you can taken them all off?”

  • Pages

  • See Your Author - Both In Concert And In Plaid

    Danger Couch and the Tinsel of Doom ~ DangerCouch.com An Innocent Man? ~ DangerCouch.com

    You know you want it. Don't live another meaningless day without your very own copy of

    DangerCouch and the Tinsel of Doom

  • My Videos

  • Some Of My Best