Feedback From a Visiting Dignitary
By Brent Diggs on Sep 24, 2007 in Adventures of the Author, Humor
I was honored recently by a visit from Sher the humorwriter, who kindly assaulted me in a joyous hit-and-run commenting.
A humorist of the female persuasion, well acquainted with the institution of marriage, Sher graciously volunteered her expertise upon the unsuspecting topic of honey-do lists.
As a husband of some experience, I am no stranger to nag-lists and had not long ago offered my own viewpoint regarding a very specific list bestowed upon me by the lovely and thoughtful Hot Comma Momma.
It was that video confession that drew the charming yet chilling wrath of the Sherinator, who proceeded to question my lack of appreciation for fruit and the fine art of feminine communication.
She basically compared me to Jeffrey Dahmer.
To be accurate, she didn’t actually draw any parallels herself, but instead challenged me to do my own comparison.
This is precisely what I love about Sher. Although she would never dream of equating me with a murderous cannibal directly, she thinks nothing of laying down the gauntlet and allowing me to research and construct my own painstaking defamation.
Simply genius.
Not one to ignore such an invitation, I have risen to the challenge of my first ever Assemble Your Own Insult, and below you will find a list of the vast differences and chilling similarities between myself and the infamous psychopath:
Dahmer: Grew up in Ohio.
Me: Have yet to grow up.
Dahmer: Murder left him with lots of blood on his hands.
Me: Unemployment has left me with lots of time on mine.
Dahmer: Pronounced cured by Doctor Toboggans.
Me: Still have money left to be extorted.
Dahmer: Enjoyed homicide.
Me: Enjoy homonyms.
Dahmer: Favorite Song - “Every Time You Go Away You Take a Piece of Me With You.” as covered by Paul Young.
Me: Prefer the Original by Daryl Hall.
So, although I share this site with several dysfunctional personalities,* I myself bear little similarity to any such Person of Advanced Unpleasantness. I am merely an average man, asserting my independence and masculinity in the castle-like dominion of my own home.
Now if you will excuse me, I must get back to the list. I still have a few termites to round up.
—–
*If you are not familiar with the exploits of Herman Fording and Dr. Harold Toboggans, it’s not to late for you. Run while you can. If they already have their hooks in you, then allow me to apologize for any part I played in your tragic downfall. Sorry is too small of a word to convey my regret.
—–
This site is on the list at humor-blogs.com, right between waxing the shrubs and raking the frog garden.
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Is a YouTube clip of that honey-do list being executed too much to ask?
You can watch the YouTube segment, but be very careful. I heard a rumor that the Hot Comma Momma is monitoring who watches it. She was not all that happy with the clip.
I’m with you QofD!
Not so sure honey-do number one will be very entertaining.
Lynn will need a 3-second warning before Brent starts honey-do number two.
Debbie will need a 3- second warning before Brent attempts honey-do number three.
I’ll pay for Terminex to come out and take care of honey-do number four if you film honey-do number five as the grand finale. The look on the dry-cleaners face when you tell then not to starch your lovely wife’s asbestos underwear will be priceless.
I am told that it is no longer politically correct to execute chores. The harshest punishment I am allowed to administer is to lock them up in the solitary confinement drawer.
I am working on a work release program in which the chores could repay their debt to society by doing themselves.
Blog-Jinx: Lord Likely need not apply, reply, or otherwise contribute innuendo to this particular thread.
Other ones might be feeling vulnerable though.
The comments don’t say — “rjlight says” I liked that now it’s just comment by. How boring and the font is different. What is going on here? I thought I was at the wrong blog and then I saw the word “squirrel” again and knew I was home.
Oh, now, I can reply to myself. That was great rjlight!
You need help rjlight.
RJ,
This is my attempt to straighten out some of the commenting confusion by allowing people to reply to each others comments directly. Like I am doing with you right now.
Now you don’t have to try and jump into a thread of conversation located 27 comments lines above you.
Unfortunately, this new system is a third party plugin and I don’t know how to make it read out like it used to.
At least not yet.
Everyone let me know if this works better, or worse, or not at all.
But I see you have already figured that out and have cruelly tricked me into talking to myself.
It is not difficult.
Squirrel is delighted to be of service.
Oh Brent, Brent, Brent. I do not assault, kindly or otherwise.
I do however lie a lot.
I find it incredibly funny that you, the funny man of funny men, refer to me as a humor writer. I’m just a lady that complains about stuff and forces other people to read it.
Now dear readers, this is exactly what I was talking about.
Notice how delicately the Sherinator fills the comment box with the most profuse flattery, carefully locating it just below the words “I…lie a lot.”
Feisty. Oh she’s feisty.
Yes, she’s feisty … but she does lie. And I have scars from being forced to read her complaints. Really! Of course, she could be lying about lying. So could I.
(I’m now officially confused, so I think a nap is a good idea.)
Sher is an inspiration to me, and in her honor I have created what I’m sure will be the next internet craze: Feistiology.
It is captivating, engrossing and thoroughly habit forming, just like you-know-who.
What is yet to be determined is whether it will be a science or a religion.
The only problem so far with this new comma comment system is that I need to reread all the comments every time because I am afraid that I will miss something. I feel like I’m five again, afraid to nap on the off chance that something exciting is going to happen.
DITTO!
I’m actually
wastingenjoying my day now going back through the last month of comma comments to see what I may have missed.Any chance we could get more of a forum style ‘reply with quote’ option that puts our comment in order at the end of the line but includes whatever quote we wish it to from previous comma comments?
Any chance you’ll even see this comment, as it is freshly entered on a 2 week old post?
Oh, my spies are everywhere. You would be surprised what I see.
Let me look into it. I was pushing my technical limits when I installed this.
Welcome back.
What is the deal with men and their castle thing. Honestly, everyone knows if the Hot Comma Mamma of the abode (any abode) ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
Is it just nice to pretend you (and I mean this generally to all men) that you are in charge sometimes?
ND,
Its not that we like to be in charge…..its just that we like to have a good excuse for wandering around lost in our own home. What’s a better excuse than, Hey its a castle, this things is huge!!!?
Am I in the right system? Chris can you hear me?
I’m in the pallor room. (where ever that is)
I had a GPS installed in mine, just so I could feel important and not have to ask direction.
I will have you know that I am in charge at all times.
Especially the ones where her HotMommaness is asleep.
Brent,
She told me she never sleeps.