From The Budding Flanks Of The Mississippi
By Brent Diggs on Feb 21, 2008 in Consumer Commentary, Humor, current affairs, local affairs
Recently, there has been some talk in the news about the catastrophic obesity of Mississippi.
Some have called it tragic, some have called it outrageous, most have called it a matter to discuss further over lunch.
But around here these harsh criticisms, interrupting years of blissful metabolic ignorance, have left residents riddled with questions. Namely:
“How did this happen?”*
“Who can I sue?”
And, “Just who are you calling fat, blog-boy?”
But as a current neighbor, allow me to state for the record that in my personally calibrated opinion, Mississippi possesses such an enormous, gargantuan fatness, that on a clear day I can practically see it from here.
On top of that, many of the natives exhibit impressive girth enhancement themselves.
Although it is true that some inhabitants of the Milk-of-Magnesia State are intelligent, attractive, and read this blog,** most possess the taste, discernment and gravitation field of a small moon.***
In fact after careful study, I have determined that fully half of the two people surveyed display the dietary discretion of a small and hungry child.
Left to its own devices.
Unattended at the Willy Wanka discount outlet store.****
This is not accidental. The typical Mississippi meal is carefully planned out and delicately balanced to achieve an equal representation of fat and high fructose corn syrup.
Sample meal
,
Sample meal shown in breakfast configuration
,
After an equally painstaking investigation, consisting mostly of highway travel, I have also discovered that the cause of this mass dependence on synthetic food substitutes stems from the general inability of locals to keep vegetable matter settled within the confines of their individual digestive systems.
Not only is this Old-Faithful-worthy spewing of the greens thoroughly revolting, it is also sure to provide even the most media-saturated individuals with lots and lots of Urgent News Stories, which in the interest of time and my aversion to work I will simulate below.
A Simulated Effort At Thoroughness
To get the effect of a weeklong hard-hitting Mississippi Health and Diet exposé, all you need to do is re-read this article every day next week, each time inserting a new high intensity headline.
Monday: Why is Mississippi so Fat?
Tuesday: Why is Mississippi so Hyperactive?
Wednesday: Why is Mississippi so Diabetic?
Thursday: Why is Mississippi on the Cutting Edge of Catastrophic Adrenal Failure?
Friday: Why is Mississippi the Dental Plaque Manufacturing Capital of the World?
We will continue to monitor this story until something newsworthy comes along.
Like humor-blogs.com
If you have any groundbreaking research on this topic, you’d definitely be the first. But even if all you can supply are your own unfounded allegations of corpulent statehood, I will graciously give them a fair hearing.
—–
*Please see the classic metabolic equation: Cin - Cout = Mbf . (Calories coming in minus Calories going out equals Masses of Burbling Fat.
**Hello Debbie.
***Contrary to local opinion, the world does not revolve around Mississippi, but loose objects do tend to orbit it unless restrained.
****Does such a thing exist? Research, I demand research.*****
*****And a small potted plant.
—–
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Is that state near Ohio or somewhere? Isn’t there a river near by?
I guess it’s not that fat then, is it?!
That’s true! One does have a hard time finding things that are thin.
On the contrary! There are Thin mints, wheat thins, Thin set, Thinsulate, Thick and Thin, The Thin Blue Line, Thinner(the B-list movie), Kate Thinslet, Thinbles, THINkers and Nichole Richie. Just to name a few.
Don’t overlook Thin Lizzy, those guys rock.
How could I have been so thoughtless.
Okay, after reading that, I got hungry and went to get some donuts. Then I got that white powdery stuff all over my keyboard. I got up to get a Moccalachagicheeyaya from Starbucks. On my way there, I stopped at Mickey Dees and got some fries. I’m hoping to be able to compete with M I crooked letter… you know the rest.
Here is my question:
Where did you get all your wonderful toys?
What? That didn’t make sense?
Jack Nicholson?
Ooh! Close but no cigar! The answer was “The Joker” Tsss yeah, we were looking for “The Joker”.
I’ll have you know that I am not in complete agreement on this whole Mississippi story of Brent’s. I work with many individuals from the skinny state of Mississippi, and I can assure you that there are few people here at FedEx that are in any way obese. Further, if you look at a map, the state of TN is actually one of the wider states. I’m just sayin’ is all.
My FedEx driver says that’s because he can’t make enough money to eat.
And of course, a quick look at the derivation of the name FedEx says it all:
FedEx=IngestNolonger
What a load of BigMacs! That driver is feeding you a line! He makes more than 90% of the people that work at the Memphis World Hub. What a Whopper!
The only thing worse than mixing your metaphors is conflicting your fast food allusions.
You would know!
I’m sorry, are you talking to me, oh eater of the previously thought Inedible Breakfast Display?
Perhaps you should scrape some of that powdered sugar from your
teeth, I can’t quite make out what you are saying.
Of course, all that energy drink gave you a bad case of the jibberies and that definitely doesn’t help either.
I have two words for you… Pop Tart!!!!
Another stellar article that leaves me hungry for more. And curly fries.
Save room for dessert, next week I’m tackling the economy.
Of course, now that I think about it, maybe knocking it down further is not really what the economy needs.
Okay, forget that. Next week I’ll be giving the economy a big hug and lots of affirmation.
And possibly a medal.
Quick…. I have to patent idea for energy drink and donut breakfast cereal…
How about including donuts in the can? Of course there would be the whole problem of getting them back out of the can too.
I was think it would probably be easier to just puree them up and stick them in a tube. Astronaut type stuff, except it induces diabetes…
The terribly sad part is that I ate a very similar meal on regular basis while in Iraq, except it was Red Bull and Moon pies. It was, however, consumed in that particular configuration on more than one occasion.
I have fond memories of Pop Tarts dipped in Jello pudding as I was replacing lost body fat from a prolonged MRE diet.
Today of course I would pass out after two bites.
Those were the days.
Yeah, yesterday.
Does the obesity of Mississippi mean that when we count “one Mississippi, two Mississippi…” each “Mississippi” will count for two seconds instead of one?
Actually, due to the whole Black Hole of Lardation thing you would probably never get past one. (If a childhood of sci-fi novels serves me correctly, time slows down to an infinite point at the edge of a singularity.)
Hello Brent, and thanks for excluding me from the proportionally challenged Mississippians (without recent clarification, that would make me a big fat stalker! Ha!)
It’s true I do live in MS, and sometimes I have trouble grocery shopping because they just don’t make the aisles big enough for my elephantine, jelly-belly butt.
In all seriousness, what a freaking ridiculous piece of proposed legislation that was. How would this legislation be enforced anyway? Sorry sir but that grotesque spare tire just puts you over the edge, may I recommend a piece of celery for dessert? Tempers would flare, the police would be summoned only to arrive with their own plump bellies pooching out of place!
Ironically though I am at my highest weight ever living here in MS but I was WAY underweight (6ft. 113 pounds…ewwwww) as a teenager so now I’m just right!!
Thank you for not taking offense Debbie. You know that Brent is just a man and sometimes he speaks without thinking.
Still can’t understand what you’re saying. Maybe you should floss.
You two are cracking me up!
Welcome back Deb! Next time you need to file a request before you take a leave of absence.
Yes Sir Chris Non-C Sir!
The squirrel, the tea-cup moose, and I have agreed. It needs to be in triplicate and four levels of approval!
Let’s just keep it simple, no leaving.
Yeah! So get back to your dungeon and finish your jello sculptures!
“…but I was WAY underweight (6ft. 113 pounds…ewwwww) as a teenager…”
Sounds like a big little Debbie to me.
(I seem to have dug myself a hole)
As long as it is a donut hole, then it’s ok.
That’s what I love about Lynn, always looking at the bright side.
Wow, I’ll never look at a Cracker Barrel billboard in quite the same way again.
I’ve often found that cross-eyed is the best way to reveal all the hidden textures on road-side advertising.
You obviously took your pictures from your home state. I believe no shutter speed would have been fast enough to capture your ‘breakfast configuration’ before a hungry Mississippian seized it.
In other news: mmmm…. Pop Tarts.
Actually, a certain member of my own household attempted to eat that display. She would have succeeded too if I hadn’t pried it from her hands with an electric crowbar.
Tough love was never tougher.
You mean you used the jaws of life?
He is so mean!
I’m gonna have to send Bee a cyber smooch…I read about you on her blog and thought I’d check it out…. It was worth the effort - your blog is hilarious!!
Thank you very much.
I hope it doesn’t affect your opinion that I used Humor Enhancing Drugs to post this. Some people look at that as cheating.
Probably because they are not very funny.
Smooch away, I’ll be here when you get back.
A resident of Mississippi here. Not a native though! I am thin, workout everyday, vegetarian, liberal, Yankee and very much shunned and hated by most natives. :o(
Bigger joke was I actually thought I could help them as a nutritionist. Wrong!!!
Ever try to tell a Mississippian that they cannot eat 5,000 calories a day? It is beyond a catastrophe. I gave up on people who do not want to change. Sorry fellow Mississippians. Ya’ll need help.
A Mississippi nutritionist. You certainly have your work cut out for you.
Unless you can invent a vitamin enhanced deep-fry grease, then you you’ll be set for life.
(Don’t forget my inspiration fee.)
You know, that’s a pretty convincing study. But I want to see Brent’s medical credentials.
… Dr Pepper still owes me $53,000 in malpractice.
My credentials are proudly displayed right where I found them: the inside panel of a Sugar Krunchies cereal box, where they will remain until Camille returns from the store with a pair of scissors.
What does a small moon taste like? Does it really taste like low quality, sawdust based powdered mini donuts?
I have no potted plant, but I do have… A SHRUBBERY!
It has a subtle cheesy flavor, though not really sharp. I guess you’d have to classify it as bleu cheese.
As for the shrubbery, you are too late. I now require that you cut through the tallest tale in the web with a herring.
Actually, I guess you already did that.
Forget it. You win.
“fully half of the two people surveyed display the dietary discretion of a small and hungry child” that line made me laugh.
and the cereal picture made me vomit.
I go out of my way to make sure people get as much exercise as possible on this site.
Debbie,
I did not know that you made jell-o sculptures. That can’t be right!
Oh I don’t Lynn that is just my punishment for not properly requesting a leave of absence. Chris Non-C is tough that way. Y’know… miss a couple of days of OC commentary and face your worse fears. Y’know tough love…Brent does it as well…must be a Marine thing.
I’m glad we have settled.
Every time you spelled out Mississippi, all I could hear was my second grade teacher droning on in a nasal voice, “It’s spelled like this, MISS-ISS-I-PPI.” And then we’d make dirty jokes about Pee Pee In The Eye.
Was it the same for you as you wrote out Miss-Iss-I-PPi so many times in one post? I feel sorry for Spanish speakers. My husband Papi pronounces it more like, Mee-See-See-Pee. My second grade teacher would have confused the crap out of him.
As a matte of fact I did use the sound out trick each time I spelled it.
And each time, as if by magic, I still misspelled it.
I’m glad you’re mocking Missippi fatties. When you get around to mocking Texas fatties, then I’ll have myself a good cry into my bowl of crushed Twinkies with chocolate syrup and that’s when I’ll take your words as a personal affront to me and my floppy belly flap.
I assure you that the gravity-challenged of Texas are safe from ridicule.
At least for the present.
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Ha.. love the “breakfast configuration”. Mississippi should go on the MRE diet.
-Jeff