How to Raise a Very Large Sum of Money in Five Easy Steps.
By Brent Diggs on May 7, 2007 in Humor
People are always coming to me, asking to borrow large sums of money, in spite of the obvious fact that as a author I am monetarily under qualified for such arrangements. This has inspired me to develop the following mildly brilliant, yet amazingly simple procedure for raising vast quantities of cash quickly and easily. Once you discover my foolproof system, you too will be impressed with how easy it is to quickly raise money.
1. Acquire a large sum of money. Borrowing from absent-minded millionaires is the recommended procedure, but don’t rules out lotteries, bake sales, and liquors stores. Be sure to consolidate all funds into a single bag or briefcase.
2. Grasp the bag or briefcase firmly with both hands. Rosin and/or lifting gloves are not really required, but can provide a nice theatrical touch if your audience seems skeptical of your fiduciary leveraging abilities. Never underestimate the power of showmanship for adding credibility to your skill set.
3. Plant your feet and assume the correct lifting stance. I recommend an uncomfortable squatting posture, one that gives the impression that you’re hovering above a particularly unsanitary toilet. Have a friend or partner check your stance for grace, balance, and finesse. If any of these are found, start over immediately.
4. Hoist the money. Be careful to lift with the legs and not just the back, keeping in mind the many individuals who have had their monetary raising careers cut short by lower back injuries. “Take care of your back and it will take care of you,” is the mantra of successful cash lifters everywhere. That is why many of them employ professional Swedish masseuses for their post-lifting recovery. When selecting a Swedish masseuse for yourself, be sure to that all candidates you interview have proper qualifications, like large, hairy forearms and a masseuesly name such as Helga, Frieda, or George.
5. Raise the money as high as required. Exceeding head-level will qualify you as a major fundraiser, putting you in high demand with political parties, universities, and previously unknown heirs.
As you can see, there is nothing preventing you from becoming a serious currency ascender, except perhaps a lifting belt. Yes, you too can have all the honor, prestige, and dining invitations that accompany a life of full-time financial elevation. It’s never too late to start. Begin you monetary heavery today.
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We can always count on Brent for a very literal solution to those pesky money problems!
we just make copies of dollar bills on our printer and shop at small mom & pop stores out of town.
There’s nothing like good ol’ American ingenuity to make me proud.
RJ! I’m so shocked you would stoop so low…so …um…what kind of printer do you use?
Thanks for the information. It’s just common sense, but somehow the solution has eluded me. –until now.
Debbie –just don’t forget to copy both sides. You can’t get those one-sided dollars passed anybody.
And all this time I’ve been using my skills of, mmm… manipulation…
Brad
As I’m sure you know, common sense is an uncommon commodity. So uncommon, that in some communities this site is considered a natural resource. I’m sure yours has the same distinction.
Dearest Minx
When it comes to skills, you simply have to got with what you’ve got.
Ah, the “absent-minded millionaire”…not as common as they used to be. By the way, “currency ascender”, “monetary heavery”, that’s some great new word coinage there Brent.
Brent’s brother’s name is Thesauraus.
Debbie,
It’s pretty dark in here.
Wait, I see something.
Nope, just a rat.
Faster. Must move faster!
That was close. I’m sure I’ll feel better after a nice shower. Debbie, thank you so much for your support and help. I was unsure if you would be able to decipher the code, but you did an excellent job.
Fresh air is wonderful.
Oops, gotta go. I hear the dogs.
RJ,
Thanks for the tip. Now would be an appropriate time to confess why your tip is more useful than you could imagine.
Y’know those gold dollar coins that pop up every now and then as change in our quest for material goods? Well, I realize those little dollar coins are real currency but I just can’t get used to them so I wanted to get rid of them. I swung by my local bank and waited patiently in line. When I reached the ever friendly bank teller I asked if I could please exchange these dollar coins for dollar bills. The nice teller said, “Hey no problem.” He turned away from me and tapped the coins on the counter and inspected them closely (whatever). He then turned around and gave me a smirk. So I smirked back and said, “Is there a problem?” He said, “Well, two of these coins are counterfeit!” Speechless, I just kind of scratched my head and looked dumb. Then he asked me if I had been out to dinner last night? (What the hell? Now he’s hitting on me?) Sensing my perplexed demeanor he finally came clean and said, “If you look real close at two of these gold coins they say Chuck E Cheese.” The few who heard our conversation laughed hysterically and I was so embarrassed I just said, “Oops…I did go to Chuck E Cheese with my son last night.”
Lynn,
Happy to oblige! Anything for my dearest Lynn! (I’m still a little confused though…are you now out of the slammer?)
What do you mean am I out? Hey this was your plan. I certainly hope that you have that car waiting for me at the county line like you said, or did I misinterpret the code? I hope not because this water is cold, the dogs aren’t that far behind, and I really want a shower. Besides how can I cash in on Brent’s brilliant monetary madness if the dogs eat me?
Lynn,
Watch for the falls, and good luck.
Do not fret Lynn. Everything is going according to plan (?). I am in full control (what the hell am I going to do I can’t even find my car keys). I would never jeopardize your safety (maybe I’ll just take a nap before I pick up Lynn).
Just kidding…I’m on my way!
Anonymous- are you the same Anonymous that called me a genius the other day? If so could you please explain to Lynn that I have everything under control?
I guess I was supposed to use the bucket from the bucket of monkeys for the falls. I missed that one. You may want to bring a sling for my arm with you Debbie. The monkeys did not help me with the falls, they just jumped into the nearest tree and left me hanging. Selfish little vermin!
At least the dogs are further away now!
It’s ok Debbie, I still think that you are a genius! Just don’t leave me hanging.
I’m cold.
Debbie — yeah, first rule — the bank people can see conterfeit they are really smart and know how to read! You go to the small mom&pop shops out of town that have their distracted son watching the shop as he talks to his girlfriend on the phone then you buy the nicest kite you can find and slip by those Chuck E Cheese gold coins…
man, I wish I was in the bank that day!