Little Known Ways to Get Your Spouse to Attend Your Anniversary*
By Brent Diggs on Jul 8, 2008 in Humor
Astute readers will note that precisely one year ago today I celebrated the Anniversary of my marriage to Camille, the Hot Comma Momma upon these shimmering pages.
As you may recall, the related festivities were made somewhat challenging not only by her lack of attendance at the actual event, but also by her complete absence from the country.
Yes, while my errant spouse was going native in the steamy jungles of Costa Rica, the Comma Community held a monitor-light vigil in her honor, filling comment-box after comment-box with well wishes, congratulations, and self-pitying cries of loneliness.
Of course that last part came mostly from me, but unless you are an extortionist, armed felon, or possibly a senator, you can really only give what you have.
But as I vowed last year, things have changed. This year my beloved traveler is in country, in house, and if I do say so myself, fairly well in hand.
“What you are experiencing now is the Kung-Fu spinal grip. Between it and the forcefield, you won’t be going anywhere.”
Of course my squad of corporate ninjas is on full alert in case she attempts another getaway, but all in all I feel pretty confident that my bride and I shall make it through the evening in the charming company of each other.
Furthermore, let me add that- Wait. That sounded suspiciously like the front door.
I have to go now and kick in the emergency boost generator for the Toboggans Industries Electromagnetic Spouse Containment Field, but while I’m gone feel free to commiserate…congratulate the HCM on nineteen lucky years with Your Author.
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*Alright, for those of you who insist upon an actual list, here are the Little Known Ways: ninjas, tranquilizers, superglue, and linebackers blocking every exit.
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Being that yesterday was my first anniversary, I’m sure my method could use some refinement.
Drive her across the country to visit her parents, then leave to come home the day before your anniversary. Be cunning! Time your drive so that your arrival is actually in the wee hours of the morning of your actualversary, say, 3am. She’ll be much too tired to flee further than the living room couch.
Hard to get sandwiches, though.
Congratulations Matt.
Wives can be hard to manage when they are new and full of frolic, but once you have a few anniversaries under your belt you’ll be ready to move up to advanced techniques like tranquilizers, hypnosis, and cargo netting.
I’m such a sucker for tales of endearment for one’s spouse or significant other.
That made me smile.
Ear to ear!
Happy Anniversary to both of you!
~ZZ
Thank you Greeneyezz, i can only smile to one ear right now because I must keep the other one carefully attuned to sounds of possible escape.
But tomorrow I’ll try both.
How about now??
You ear-to-ear *now*??
(Or is she locked up somewhere in a tower with a Pirahhna-ridden moat??
:)
I only use the tower when I’m going out of town.
But yes Green, the evening was a great success, and now that it’s over I can lower the security level from Proactive Paranoia to the more relaxed Eternal Vigilance.
Congrats, you two!
Thank you Jeff.
YAY for HCM and you! And for Kung-Fu Grip.
Thank you Jami, every night I do six-hundred repetitions with one of those hand-grip thingies just so I can be ready for this one day.
Wow, 19 years, that is quite an accomplishment! Congrats to you both, and I’m glad this year you can celebrate it together, but isn’t it going to be kind of hard to make a toast while doing the Kung-Fu grip? ;)
Thank you Theresa,
I am really proud of Camille, I would have given up on me after year three.
As for the toast, I’m working on one of those doctor octopus mechanical arm things.
Saying that the Hot Comma Momma is a handful is a definite understatement
I’m surprised you think that you could have lasted three years. You are much too hard on yourself.
Say it three times fast and I’ll give you a prize.
I understand they’ve made great strides in tracking devices. You don’t even need to place them with air guns anymore unless you think a certain distance would be preferable during installation.
And Congratulations on 19 years of marital bliss. Unless I’m assuming too much.
By the way, I can’t vote for you over at humor-blogs.com anymore. Apparently I like you too much.
The new system is confusing to me too, but considering how much trouble I’ve had getting mp3s to download, I can’t really fault Diesel a little technical difficulty.
I hear that marital bliss is available by prescription now. However, the HCM and I have had to pull are together the hard way: one day at a time.
Today’s looking pretty good, I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes
Happy Anniversary to you!
I was going to sing further, but my creativity flew out the window.
Congrats!
Your years of service and dedication to
Tobaggans Industrieseach other is honorable and worthy ofterminationa good head flushingawards and celebration.Suddenly I feel subliminally insulted.
Thank you for your well wishes…and your barely suppressed rage. Those Comment-Flamers Anonymous meetings must really be working for you
Congrats to you and the HCM, Brent. And we all thank her for keeping you at least a little bit sane, even if it’s not necessarily voluntarily.
She does good work. If she keeps it up she may someday be eligible for parole.
Really!?!
I think he stole some of mine.
Happy Anniversary! (Sweet picture)
Thank You. (Sugary sentiment.)
Congratulations to you Brent.
Thank you, Miranda. Feel free to stay and look around.
Congrats you two! Good work HMC, most women can’t put up with us Jarheads that long.
Put downs, however, can go on forever. Or so I’ve heard.
Thanks Chris.
It does take a firm hand, but once you learn how to bark, “ooh raw,” all goes well.
Congrats!!!!
I can’t believe it has been 19 years.
Did you do anything special? Out of the ordinary? Unusual? Planned out or spontaneous? Crazy? Radical? Boring? Something I wouldn’t do?
I can’t go into detail, but we seem to have eluded the authorities so far. You know what they say: “If you’re living on the edge, then haven’t discovered the need to hide from your kids.”
Who says that??
It is the main slogan for the quirky gramtical organization, People For Skipping the Word “You.”
That has to be a freudian slip. Being narsistic you wouldn’t want to talk about others, right?
Trust me I know a lot about narsisism.
I know a lot about typos.
Is that the only shirt you own?
No, just the only one I wash.
The picture is really sweet. So happy for both of you.
Thank you Robin, I try to work actual affection into every restraint technique. I think it’s that sort of attention to detail that keeps a relationship both healthy and escape-proof.
Congrats on 19 years!
Thank you very, very much.
Have you tried chocolate?
Congrats!
Yes, but to achieve the same sticky adhesiveness as superglue requires 5,263 lbs of chocolate.
And a heat gun.
Happy Anniversary! :)
Thank you Your Ladyship. It is a privilege to receive your blessing. And that whole not walking the plank thing is good too.
My anniversaries seem to be characterized by ninjas, tranquilizers and superglue as well. But only when my wife is out of town.
Very courteous of you. Brent does not wait until I’m out of town. Our anniversaries are just characterized.
If your anniversaries are this hectic I cant imagine what the wedding was like…
Congrats, I hope she doesnt escape again ;)
I plead the 5th.
Oh I could tell you stories about the wedding…but I won’t. Not at least until I get that tranquilizer gun away from my wife.
Thank you, Alex.
[…] Diggs presents Little Known Ways to Get Your Spouse to Attend Your Anniversary* posted at The Ominous […]
congratulations to both of you!
Thank you very much
Happy couple…all the best wishes for many more happy years…
Thanks greatly.
So happy for both of you. Congratulations!
Thank you, William.
[…] Diggs presents Little Known Ways to Get Your Spouse to Attend Your Anniversary* posted at The Ominous […]
I had to smile after reading your post!
Thanks for posting on Life Lessons of a Military Wife Carnival #10!. Please be sure to stop by above and read all the other great articles!