Long Tagged Author Finally Produces List
By Brent Diggs on Aug 14, 2007 in Adventures of the Author, Humor
Sometime back, while still suffering from the acute absence of my spouse, I was tagged by the Rosetta Rants Translator, who encouraged me to open up and declare several random facts about myself.
I abstained at the time to spare my readers from unpleasant revelations of my emotional well-being during my long and painful Camille-less state.
Any list written during that period would end up looking much like this:
Seven things about me:
1. I am depressed when my wife is absent.
2. My wife is absent.
3. I am depressed.
4. I am also despondent.
5. As well as desolate of soul.
6. Dwelling in a dark dervish of dejection.
7. Delving into the dank depths of degradation.
Fortunately, my self-restraint saved everyone from having to read such a blatant mass of self-pity and alliteration. After all, I am nothing if not thoughtful.
Now that the Hot Comma Momma has returned, I am feeling much better and definitely more prepared to write a list that might actually interest people. So with no further delay, allow me to present this long postponed list o’ stuff about the author.
Seven better things about me:
1. I am a movie star. My first film, Danger Couch and the Tinsel of Doom has been finally released and is available for consumption over at the DC site.
2. I am an ex-marine. That is no surprise to anyone who regularly follows this blog, but poses quite a contradiction for anyone who has actually met me in person. The ability to speak in complete sentences, devoid of four-letter words, really throws a lot of people off their assumptions. This is generally a good thing, since there is no telling when the last time their assumptions have seen the light of day.
3. I like the smell of ozone. I don’t know why. It just makes me happy.
4. I like humorists who make me think. Favorites include Gary Larson, Steven Wright, Douglas Adams, and of course Ralph Macchio.*
5. I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon where I suffered from what I now believe to be Seasonal Affected Disorder. Only once I moved to Southern California did I realize that twenty years of reoccurring depression could have been avoided if I only could have acquired some sunlight.
6. I remember back before televisions had remote controls. As a child, it was my job to stand next to the set and turn the knob until the family found a show they could all agree on.**
7. I once visited the island of Aruba. While there, a cactus spine punctured the inch-thick rubber sole of my boot and stabbed me in the foot. I wrote to the Beach Boys and asked them to add that part to their list of tropical delights in the song Kokomo. I am still waiting for a response.
I am not tagging anyone with this meme at this time, but if you are looking for an excuse to go on about yourself a bit, feel free to tag yourself in my name. I promise not to tell.
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*If you missed the depth and humor in Crossroads, you clearly must not have been intoxicated at the time of viewing.
**My grandparents had one of the earliest remotely controlled TVs. It had a motorized knob that would always overshoot the target channel and I would still have run over and dial it in for them. Turning only clockwise of course, a counter-clockwise twist of the dial would break the mechanism for good.
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At the risk of an enormous amount of uncontrollable yawns, William James, leader of the American philosophical pragmatist movement once said, “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
Brent is unique in that his common sense can break dance, belly dance, ballroom dance, barn dance, square dance, line dance, folk dance, nightclub dance(?), promenade, polka, pogo, fox trot, salsa, swing, ballet, bunny hop, mambo, catwalk, charleston, dancercise, FANDANGO, macarena, hoedown, hussle, and limbo.
So sorry to have been gone dear friends.
I am back, so also may be Sarah and Eddie - I love Sarah - Eddie could use a good stick in the eye.
I know all too much about Portland and the dark dervish of dejection. Though happy is much over rated. Who would read a happy Dostoyevsky? Who? And what would that sound like? Anyone?
E.L.,
Welcome back and what an excellent thought.
I am suddenly envisioning a TV series in which intrepid adventurers travel back and time and sabotage history by administering strategic doses of Prozac.
Perhaps we’ll call it “Time Shrinks.”
Debbie,
Thank you very much. Line dancing was the hardest to learn, my sense kept trying to disco.
!!!!!!!??
Brent,
I thought the only “ex-Marine” was a dead Marine. Aren’t you supposed to refer to yourself as a “former Marine”?
Also, in reference to “Time Shrinks”, I highly recommend reading “The Eyre Affair”, by Jasper Fforde. It’s not television, but there is much sabotaging of history, and literature, and . . . well, you CAN read, right?
I don’t know if I actually had S.A.D., but let me tell you, growing up in Grand Rapids, Michigan doesn’t do much for your mental health either.
So what is this movie about?
Dale,
In order to have the title “former marine” one must have had the mind-set of a marine. Brent is clearly an ex-marine due to the fact that his mind NEVER conformed to the ooh-rah mentality. I’m not sure how you could ask your last question. Without doubt one who can master every form of dance known to man and alien can most accurately read.
Diesel,
You simply need to purchase the movie to find out what it is about. It is far less difficult than reading the manuscript, and will require less time. It will also open your eyes to another side of Brent that will certainly cure your hiccups.
Hmm, I seem to get the same response on #2. Especially during my recent job interviews, which, oddly enough, have been conducted by mostly retired Marines.
I don’t get SADs, I love having four seasons.
How do you not include Dave Barry on your list? He makes Gary Larson look like a Family Circus writer. :)
Glad to see you back writing more uplifting things hehe.
Well,
Now I can get back here. Farnsworth - you been hiding out. I’m going to put a stick in YOUR eye buddy.
Brent - good stuff. Keep those voices in your head well fed. I do.
I would have been an ex-Marine too - but the Marines had those “standards” - you know. I tried to get them to waive them. I thought “don’t ask - don’t tell” should be applied to everything. Seems that they didn’t agree.
Oh well - our president wasn’t a Marine either. Look where it got him! He gets to send them boys to . . . Farnsworth get out of my closet!!!!!
Your wife is a lucky woman :)
I too enjoy the writings of Mr. Douglas Adams.
Mr. Macchio, not so much, I fear.
Dale,
Yes I can read. Literacy was a real asset in “the Corps” where I assisted my fellow jarheads by reading things for them, like claymore mines which have a charming little inscription on them which reads: “Front- this side towards enemy.”
Diesel,
The film is about a band of clueless musicians who accidental save the world from zombie Christmas trees. (seriously)
Chris,
Seasons are good.
Chris C.
I was trying not to recycle too much of a previous post in which I make a thorough accounting of all I think is cool.
Kali,
Thank you. I feel that I am rather fortunate as well.
Your Lordship,
I heard a rumor that Douglas Adams was working on “The Next, Next Karate Kid” when he died. It is probably what killed him. I think Macchio and everyone involved in the franchise should be sued for grievous loss to english literature.
Yes, Ralph Macchio is a brilliant humorist, isn’t he…..
I seem to remember a classic comedy from the 80’s, during which, I shot milk duds out my nose from the point at which the protagonist first graced the screen with his hilarious visage until the final travails of his Shakespearean climax. The film?
Karate Kid
Translation: Ralph Macchio is funny.
Looking.