Today is officially Christmas Eve and I would like to commemorate this solemn occasion with a festive bit of holiday poetry that I composed this time last year.
It is a deeply moving poem, known to calm unruly children and bring tears to the eyes of even the most hardened combat stenographers. It has the power to mend broken glands and bring waring factions to unconditional and mutual surrender. It is to verse what Donald Trump is to finance: bloated and largely irrelevant.
To properly appreciate the context of this literary masterpiece, a little background is in order.
And here it is:
With that performance fresh in your cortex, you are now prepared for that classic gem of lyrical expression: The Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all ’round the Couch,
The ninjas were restless from their long stealthy crouchThey sat simply silent with their stars, swords and sighs
Enveloped in blackness except for their eyesWhen in from the kitchen with pastrami on rye
Strode my good friend Wilh, a most vigilant guyHe was just sitting down for a holiday snack
When a sound in the night led him to fear attackHe dashed to the window and threw up the blinds
His hair all aquiver like drunk porcupinesHe snatched up a weapon and soon sighted in
Just as the strange sound was starting againThen with a crackle of eye-bruising light
A bolt from his ray-gun tore open the nightAnd raising his voice at the trespassing soul
He called out the window through the new melted holeRun Ninja! Run blackmask!
Run sly sneakaround!
Hide coward, hide pansy
And no more come round
Return to this house
Return and know I’ll
Decimate, decrapitate
And deflate you allThen out from the darkness, all singey and burned
Crawled a repentant ‘possem, his lesson well learnedSo puzzled and tired and scratching his head
The gun wielding Smodder slunk off to bedThe still hidden ninjas all sighed at the sight
And continued their watch o’re the now silent night
Merry Christmas everyone, and be sure to vote to save Huey Lewis from obscurity.
This post is hanging from humor-blogs.com like a dingy and somewhat smelly stocking.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I think I’ve ruptured my internal organs. Yay Christmas!
Dear Mr. Couch-person:
After much perusal and examination of your “Store” page, I am unable to find any documentation concerning the AR-66E mentioned in the above documentary. As I am also suffering from a ninja invasion, I would very much like to add the aforementioned weapon “to my cart,” to use the vernacular. Please send purchase information soonest.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
Ninjas and ray-guns, truly this is the real meaning of Christmas.
I hope you do not have an ominous Christmas, sir. I wish you and your family all the best for this yuletide season!
And beware of those devilish ninjas.
Hilarious! Merry Christmas, O.C.!
That sensation is what is known as Christmas Joy.
Thank you sir. Our holiday defenses are set and we are prepared to enjoy a leisurely and ninja-free yule-time thing.
And to you, Joel.
That item is only available through the advanced catalog, which can be obtained in exchange for 27 boxtops from Frosted Yeti Chunks cereal.
Have a hearty breakfast. Will expect to hear from you soon.
Its so nice to see, in this world of crass commercialization, (dang that’s a big word) that the spirit of Christmas (and ninjas) still… oh forget it. I’m going to get a drink.
Merry Christmas Brent.
Merry Christmas, Brent and Comma-family!
Thank you, Your High-octaneness. Merry Christmas to you as well.
Merry Christmas, Don.
Umm Oooook! It’s always great to see someone more messed up than myself. he he
Merry Christmas! I hope Santa treated you well and cleaned up after his reindeer.
That was great!
Merry Christmas to the OC Family!
“His hair all aquiver like drunk porcupines”
I think the word quiver is used far too infrequently. :)
“The scent of fresh what?” Well, that would all depend on what part of the country you are from. ;)
Merry Christmas!
I thought your profile picture was Jim Carrey for some reason…
Anyway, I am definitely voting for Huey, he got me through some very rough patches in high school so I kinda owe it to him!
:)
Chelle B.
Surprisingly, I get the whole Jim Carey thing a lot at work, even without the mustache.
I just chalk it up to the commonality of comic genius.
Either that or running out of lithium.
Thanks for coming by.
In this corner of the nation, it is usually pork.
Thanks for the visit.
Well I’m to late to wish you a merry christmas, so happy new year and all that crap. Thats the first red headed ninja I’ve ever seen to. Apart from David Caruso of course
Thank you and happy holidays to you as well.
I have discovered that if you want specialty ninjas, you have to bread them yourself.
Fortunately for me, the Hot Comma Momma is 76.2% ninja.
Thank you. Merry Christmas.
No, but he left me a pooper scooper in my stocking.
Happy holidays.