The Fording Report:
A Herman Fording exclusive.
In a shocking, gratuitous, and hopefully award winning display of international impropriety, survivalist and blog-stalker Christopher NotSee, has confessed to assaulting the nation of Canada with former rap star M.C. Hammer.
French for “Bucket of refuse” the trebuchet has long been used to demoralize enemies…
According to reliably verbose sources, NotSee, an ex-marine and serial commenter, propelled the aging performer into Canadian airspace with the assistance of a household trebuchet.
Hammer, best known for his brief fame and visually painful costumes, is rumored to have encountered NotSee while seeking assistance re-launching his stalled career. Sources close to the artist have been unavailable for comment, trapped deep in the gravity well of the artist’s pantsware.
…And dispose of clutter
French for “Bucket of refuse” the trebuchet has long been used to demoralize enemies and dispose of clutter. Medieval propulsion specialist, Joseph Phlengham went on record saying, “This is just the sort of thing the trebuchet is made for, the real surprise is that no one thought of it sooner.”
“Another Job Well Done.”
Although in diplomatic circles the lobbing of faded rap stars is considered a rude gesture, Canada is taking it well.
“Mr. Hammer is not the problem,” said Canadian Cultural Attaché, Marvin Bently, “We love him up here. His hit song Can’t Touch This has even been translated into French by the Ministry of Reproduction, so that every citizen can properly enjoy it. The uproar is strictly about his pants.”
Long the target of boycotts and sanctions, Hammer’s pants are indeed a problem, they are considered so detrimental to national self respect and diplomatic prestige that they have been deemed Trousers of Class Destruction.
Canadian officials are understandably reluctant to harbor a garment of such catastrophic potential but are uncertain how to contain the situation. “We’ve lost three weapons inspectors, four U.N. pantskeepers, and two-dozen news anchors to the slacks so far,” said Bently, “and frankly, we’re begin to worry about the trousers reaching critical mass. There is just no telling how many people could be in there.”
The Only Known Pants With Their Own Event Horizon
This has been a Herman Fording special report, presented by the Dissociated Press.
We will keep you apprised of this Pulitzer-worthy situation as it unfolds.
Don’t miss Herman Fording’s last desperate attempt at journalism:
Cetaceans Strike Back - Terror From the Deep
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
The only way to deal with such high-gravity pants is to bury them deep in the earth where their warping of the time-space continuum will be less noticeable.
Canada experienced a similar diplomatic outrage a couple of years ago when Britany Spears’s panties were flung across the BC-Washington border. They have been safely sequestered in a defunct uranium mine in Northern Ontario. I can think of no better place for The Hammerpants.
When you say “rouge agent” is that code for communist (i.e. “red”) or a make-up artist gone awol?
Oh for the love of God, have we not repeatedly apologized for attacking America with Avril Lavigne and Celine Dion? You give us no choice but to up the ante and hurl back Doug Henning. This is not an illusion. This…this will get messy.
Funny, he doesn’t look like he’s wearing makeup.
Actually he looks like Charlie Moore the ‘Mad Fisherman’ who in fact does wear makeup because he is on television.
Weird…
No, please, not Doug Henning. You know that would mean all out war!
Christopher NotSee snagged a Herman Fording exclusive?
I hereby nominate Christopher NotSee, a.k.a. Master Trebuchet Operator, for the position of Little Comma Crew* ringleader, kingpin, head honcho……to further expand the use of leverage artillery in disencumbering the US of all things fashionably destructive.
*Subsidiary of Ominous Comma Corp.
Dude, M.C. Hammer (when he was just “Hammer”) used to live about 20 minutes away from me. I could totally have taken him out.
I do makeovers. However, I am not responsible for the outcome.
We can end this peacefully if we can keep Mike Meyers and send you Tom Cruise.
At first I was offended, but then I googled his photo and, well your right, I do kind of look like him. But, you know, without all of the realtree redneck garb.
(why do people wear camouflage to fish?)
I humbly accept your nomination and I move that we get right on with business. The first to go is anyone wearing clogs. (if God made you short, run with it)
Don’t worry Deb, I hear Herman Fording is working on a docu-drama about jello phobia. Your turn could be next!
You mean you could have saved us from those pant? One wonders what other 90’s fopah you could have helped us avoid. Maybe if there had been no Hammer, there would have been no Vanilla Ice……… VANILLA ICE!!! Where my trebuchet?
This is so obviously one of those fake news stories like: “UN pledges to investigate ‘oil for food’ scam.”
The wind resistance from those pants wouldn’t allow Hammer to be throw more than a couple of yards max.
We used quick release duct tape, so when he reached the apex they were opened and the kite effect took over and flew all the way in.
So that’s where they went.
Perhaps we should arrange a return of garments, It seems that Spears has been having a lot of trouble without them.
Yes, that is perfect! You’re a genius!
To make sure that the bears and tea cup mooses don’t see them. We want the bears to eat the fish, not us, so we just act like a bunch of trees.
I also heard that. Weird. It must be a pretty strong rumor.
Be careful, we are in very tentative negotiations with the Canadians at this time. If you send them Vanilla Ice, it could mean the end of talks.
Yes well everythings better in hindsight isnt it!
Isnt he a pastor or a priest now.
Surely you could luanch them into mexico, South America at least owes you that for Ricky Martin.
If Tom Cruise is sent we will take this as an act of aggression. Dead famous Canadians like Lorne Green and John Candy will be launched like scuds into enemy territory. Hey, we never signed the Off-Geneva Convention.
Ok, we’ll keep him for now.(maybe France will want him) You guy’s can just send us some bacon and the Red Green Show.
It’s a well known fact that most fish schools use lookouts and pointfish to watch for rednecks and other predators.
You must be prepared if you expect a good catch.
If you doubt me, check out what I wore to land the HCM.
It is rivaled only by Fording’s distinctive scent.
It’s like a barbecued rubber duck served on a bed of unwashed socks.
I heard he was head acolyte at the first Canadian Congregation of Rhythm.
But it was from Fording, so I there’s no guarantee.
Definitely.
One more washed-up rapper is all it could take to lead us to the brink of…whatever horrible things Canadians do when they’re not happy.
Badminton perhaps.
I believe he actually lost his initial momentum over Idaho. He just just kind of drifted from there.
I forgot about that little oversight.
As much I would like to rid of Cruise, we can’t have the recently exhumed in our already congested airways.
We’ll send Cruise to South America in retaliation for Martin. That should balance things out nicely.
I don’t know if that would be enough. I think Ricky might be worth a Rosie or two.
France is too good for him. Let’s send him to Gaza. Maybe the Hamas will use him to help tear down borders.
I had never heard of him before, but his picture on Wikipedia looks scary, like a lost member of the BeeGees.
Maybe you should keep him.
Well, her and Jim Belushi, and half of Jimmy Fallon… by my maths that makes it about equal
To avoid an undue escalation of tensions between Canada and the US, when military officials used the launch ramp of the USS Intrepid to send the former famous rap star and his pants back into Canadian air space, the President announced the formation of a new international sport, Badhammerton. The sport has drawn rave reviews in the blogopshere, where the rules are posted clearly for all countries to see, no substituting other hasbeen singers or American Idol Rejects, no alterations to the pants, and no allowing the man near a recording studio. M C Hammer would be batted about from country to country, with blog postings and commentary on the method of delivery, the means by which the new country caught the hapless rapper, and the Vegas odds on where he’d land up next.
Odds favor Iceland as a potential visit, as the Canadian government has inlisted the help of a nearby American, Tom Brady. Orriginally, they wanted Tom to throw the rapper across the pond entirely, but Tom refused, saying he’s saving himself for the Super Bowl.
I am pleased with the direction of the negotiations. Have some maple syrup and hootch with the bacon on me. Not literally of course. That’s just creepy.
It sounds like you’ve not only invented a new sport but a new meme as well.
I can already imagine little “You’ve Been Hammered” badges adorning blogs everywhere.
Just another step closer to apocalypse.
Nothing says bilateral disarmament like hot spattered bacon on your flesh.
At least that’s what my recovering diplomat friends always tell me.
I say we make peace with our brethren to the north before they relaunch Bryan Adams at us.
A little late - by the date of this post - but no need for apologies about Hammer Launching. Canada and Canadian Fermentation hold no ill will towards the people of the United States and the Ominous Comma.
Although we do choose to ‘hold this one in our pockets ‘, so to speak and have the right to retribution on a day of our choosing.
‘U.N. pantskeepers’…classic!
Thank you sir for your visit, I hope you didn’t forget your passport.