There comes a time in every blogger’s life when having answered every email, researched every YouTube video, and basically exhausted every imaginable resource, he finds himself1 in the desperate position of actually having to write.
If you are a stranger to the delightful world of wordcraft, perhaps spending your time on more respectable and rewarding occupations like say, Roadside Carcass Removal, you might believe that those who call themselves writers would have long ago resigned themselves to the fact that sooner or later they would be called upon to produce verifiable written material.
You would be wrong.
You see, being a writer is a lot like being a rock star: you are allowed, and even expected to dress funny, hold bizarre and often conflicting opinions, and basically act like an adolescent.
The act of writing, however, is a lot like work.
This is why the great majority of activities undertaken by writers, bloggers, and other content providers are specifically aimed at postponing the moment of creation as long as physically possible.2
However, once all contingencies of denial are exhausted, once the sheltering tissue of fantasy is punctured by the viscously barbed shafts of plummeting deadlines, an author simply has no choice but to buck up and write something.
Even if it is a note explaining why he can’t write.
One time-honored tactic used to leverage reluctant writers into literary productivity is the writing prompt, a suggestion or hint used to startle the subconscious into an accidental discharge of useful ideas.
And, due to the kindness and generosity bestowed upon me as licensed internet resource, not to mention the fact that I can’t think of anything else to write, I have decided to share with you three of my most punctual prompts.
Start at the End
Determining how your tale will conclude can provide you, the author, with many useful clues on how to construct your story, such as who’s in it, if they’re me, and if we all end up in Acapulco.
An example of an excellent end-starting is this:
Slowly the blogger rose to the dais, glanced at his notes and began, “ I accept this lifetime blog achievement award, with generous cash prize, in the field of humorous quasi-fiction in name of all part-time writers, frustrated comics, and overlooked luminaries everywhere.”
The crowd combusted in an endless thunderclap of applause. As he returned to his seat he grinned a thoughtful little grin, Now I can afford that species change operation.
Start in the Middle
Just because many good stories begin in the middle doesn’t mean that yours can’t start there too. Jump right into the action. Boring chores like introduction and conclusion can be handled with flashbacks and time travel.
A modestly awesome example of this technique is:
So there I was surrounded by a ring of angry Pomeranians, their harsh growls rumbling like a thousand tiny leaf-blowers. Slowly they inched their way forward, constricting the circle around me step by step. Desperately, I searched my pockets for any shred of hope.
Coming up with lint, a gum wrapper and– A rush of excitement coursed through my limbic system– the enchanted chew toy!
Start at the Beginning
Starting at the beginning, while endorsed by many grammar schools and other educational afflictions, is in fact the surest sign of a true amateur. However, if you are feeling nostalgic for the heady days of young writing-love and its baseless optimism, feel free to revisit this technique. You will of course require a strong opening line, something that firmly grasps the reader‘s attention if not his entire nervous system.
Something like:
Of all the flatulence that has escaped all the colons in all the world, why did this one have to come from mine?
That’s It
There’s no time like the present to write, unless of course there is new material up at homestarunner.com. Or fresh road kill on the turnpike.
Keep those keys clicking and remember: when you fail to write, you only write to fail…to write…or something.
For more practical writing advice, see the fine folks at humorblogging.com
- I will be sticking with the masculine pronoun for the duration of this piece, not from any chauvinism or disrespect for female writers, but because in this case “the writer” is a thinly veiled reference to myself, a man of unquestionable maleness. «
- The true reason that most writers have migrated from typewriters to computers is not because of the fancy formatting options and spell checkers available with modern software, but mainly due to the fact that typewriters had crummy games. «
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Well. I think you “un-blocked” nicely, don’t you? And now you have the whole weekend off. Meanwhile, I sit here, reading other people’s posts, which is much more fun than coming up with my own…
You mean those are my only options? Beginning, Middle and End?
What if I’m writing a time-travel story where the hero goes back in time to narrowly avoid being seduced by his mother so that he can get his father to be seduced by her, only to then have to travel to the far future where a race of barely coherent human toad beings eat nothing but spicy rum cake? What then? m.
Also, some of the masculine pronouns - like “he” - are easier to write than the feminine pronouns - like “magnificence”. Of course, if you wouldn’t try to preserve the facade of anonymity, you could just use “I”, which is the easiest one of all to use and to remember.
And typewrite games truly did suck. I mean, just how exciting IS “Dash to the End of the Line”?
I took your advice and now I’m sitting in a room filled with yellow lined note pages covered in excuses. And I still feel uninspired. Maybe I’ll go play Oregon Trail.
I wish I could write blog posts starting at the end. That is, everybody would comment first, and then I would write the actual post.
It doesn’t seem to work that way, however.
I don’t know where to comment, at the end, the middle, the beginning. I’m so confused.
I’ve had some luck starting with stuff from the margins. Obviously, not recently, but it’s a weak fallback in case your middles, ends and beginnings are off shopping.
I think I’ll just stick to humor blog commenting instead of going to full-out humor blogging. That way I can still be unproductive and there no pressure to actually be funny. Also, I can forget everything you just said and take a nap.
That was funny Chris non-C! You are an excellent humor-blog commenter/fan/nap-taker! (We are pretty similar that way)
At least someone around here recognizes my brilliant plan. (There are so few like us.)
Somehow, the method that works best for me, its carrying a small notebook and a pencil with me all the time, the good ideas come when I’m not trying to pull them conciously.
Finally, someone understands me and my life as a writer. It is so much better to be a writer than to write, so much better. I wish people understood this.
Love this article! You truly are a writer and you also write very well. :) Thanks for giving me a smile tonight.
I find that I tend to start at the end, and end at the end as well.
In fact, most of my stories seem to revolve around my glorious end in some way.
Very funny insight. Actually, your writing is all quite witty. Keep up the good work.
http://www.ithappenedinplainfield.com
Just start! I say this even though I haven’t written all day because I have something in my tooth.
Those are some fine tips. Myself, when I get stuck, it’s always because I’ve come at the problem wrong.
It it seems to be daunting to write a chapter where such and such happens in a certain sort of way, I change perspective somehow — I try to sneak up and jump on it sideways. Like, what if instead of describing the key moment I describe the moment right after it? Or, what if this chapter takes the form of a letter instead of regular narration?
Failing that, I have a stiff drink.
Yours.
Cheeseburger Brown
Oh God!
Well there goes that idea.
I usually just take a sentence from each of the blogs I subscribe to and then rearrange them in alphabetic order. Oh! And write a really suggestive title that will appear prominently on google.
They may never come back, but at least I get the hit on my meter.
That was an instant comic classic.
Seriously.
(I quit)
Brent,
In your professional opinion, would creating pulp fiction cause splinters or paper cuts?
I cannot think about injuring myself, but the prospect of writing “fiction dealing with lurid or sensational subjects, often printed on rough, low-quality paper manufactured from wood pulp” is very alluring to me.
I would then like to post images of said writing..er something.
I would value your expert thoughts as long as you don’t demand high payments.
I like to start in the middle of other peoples posts… it saves me thinking, which is never a good thing.
Then I am so glad that you asked Brent and not Dr. T.
This is great advice. It’s very similar to my own technique of starting somewhere between the middle and end of somebody else’s story and then plagiarizing the whole darn thing.
I highly recommend Multiple Personality Disorder. If one of me can’t think of something to write, one of the others will surely have an idea or two.
I have an entire blog label called ‘EZ Reader.’ On EZ Reading days I trot out pretty/flashy/shiny/hypnotic pictures to distract people from the fact that I got nothing to actually write about.
Okay, so I can start at the end? I can start at the middle? Or I can start at the beginning? Those are three choices that I was completely unaware of. Thanks BrentD, what would I possibly do without your insight? :)
Sorry to be so late getting back to all your comments but the HCM got me an early graduation present. (Talk about confidence.)
A shiny new computer.
So I’ve spent the last couple of days transferring files, trying to organize bookmarks, and trying to figure out Vista.
Sorry to leave you all hanging.
You would live a darkened life, probably trying to start a story between the lines.
Thanks for coming by.
Speaking of that, I believe that your friend Dr. Electrica Venue is related to Dr Toboggans in some strange and probably incestuous way.
Hmmm, the old copy, “look over there, is that a pregnant Jessica Alba,” and paste trick.
Works every time.
After all, originality is for people with time/talent/expensive agents.
Personally, I like to outsource my thinking as much as possible.
Even my dinner selections are decided in Uganda.
Which is probably why I end up with barbecue hyena and yams so often.
Pulp fiction is high in fiber, which is always good in a bathroom reader.
Whenever I feel the urge to post lurid images I look to Dr Toboggans, and after the nausea has passed, I often find that the desire to post has too.
I guess I need to work on this “empowering readers” thing.
Hmmmm, I think you might have something there. Maybe arrange the sentences by some obscure numerological order just to be a a bit less obvious.
But don’t go to too much trouble, that would be against the whole point.
Bourbon and the Art of Narrative.
I sense a bestseller.
Although often overlooked, Dental Obstruction is an serious literary problem, resulting in thousands of lost writing hours every week.
At least that’s what I heard on Oprah.
It’s no Plainfield, but I try.
Thanks for the visit.
Perhaps it is gravity.
I just realized the something in my tooth is my new filling. All those hours lost.
Hmmm sounds like quite the dish does that come with red or white wine… why am I so stupid, dog always comes with white wine doesnt it.
Sangria, actually.
I am only too happy to light up my little corner of the internet.
Of course the fire department is not quite as pleased.
I concur, you should definitely let the subconscious so all the heavy lifting.
At the Comma we understand people like you.
We also shelter them from the authorities.
This site will not be held responsible for any nightmares or other physic trauma incurred as a result of after-post napping.
My middle often goes shopping for snacks without me. This accounts for certain increases lately.
It hasn’t worked too well for me either.
Comment disorientation is one of the mild and manageable side effects of these revolutionary techniques, along with dizziness, paranoia, and intermittent death.
Of course, its better to write good than to feel good.
How wonderful! Shiny new computers inspire shiny new posts!
I don’t consider myself a writer of humor, but I feel so at home here at The Comma, I feel like there was a breeding issue at some point in time, and we may have been byproducts of the same aftermath. Did I mention that I like fire? No, really, I love fire.
Did you get all your typewriter games to work? I hear that Vista has problems with some of them.
You poor fool, having to deal with Vista.
You might want to upgrade your computer.
viscously barbed shafts…sounds sticky.
Doctor Toboggans says he has your old room ready for you.
Poor guy.
I believe it is no accident that “dead” gets top billing in the word deadline.
I try to give them wide berth.
Please sir, I trust you are not suggested that MicroGates would attempt to monopolize the market with an inferior product.
I shudder thin-
**critical error**
Oh yeah! Check out the Arrows of LeftRight:
———–>
< ------------+---
Or Crazy Face:
(0&0)
*
\—/
I haven’t had this much fun since the ninth grade.
I can fix that, for a modest service charge, with this improved patch to our latest OS. Just go to our site and purchase a customer support services membership to allow you to search our price list of licenses that will allow you to browse our price list of patches that will fix your problem and automatically upgrade your patch periodically for six months for free.(you can extend this offer to 9 months for a small sir charge.)
Its good that you put that disclaimer. I have been having this recurring dream that some kind of giant punctuation was destroying the city. I don’t know where it comes from, but its like I’ve seen it before.
You are truly a rock star in every sense of the word.
My version had Twinkies, but I suppose it’s still plagiarism isn’t it?
Thanks so much, Mark.
I try to follow a path of least resistance when writing and so have avoided the more unwieldy pronouns like s/he/m.
I do like me some Line Dash though.
—————–> < ----
Try it Jami, you’ll love it.
You’ll know that you’re giving it your all when you can no longer locate your computer except by the faint glow of the screen under the mass of notes.
I’m going to finish a rough draft of my children’s book today!!!
Great blog. :D
JJ
Read, read, read–but read something “off topic.”
Good post! You made me laugh AND taught me something at the same time.
If you often find yourself unable to write, then spend some time rewriting. If you often find yourself unwilling to write, try writing from a viewpoint opposite of your own. This can be fun. Just don’t forget to let your readers know what you are doing–unless you like reading the hate mail!
That is good advice. Of course if I wrote from an opposite viewpoint I would have to be serious, well researched, and hopefully boring.
An academian then. Hmmmmmmmmm.