The Ominous Comma

I’ve spent all weekend combing through my whine-o-dex looking for just the right excuse for not posting today. Unfortunately, nothing I found looked very plausible.

For example:

I’m Tired - What’s new there?

I’m in Mourning for Doctor Toboggans - Who’s going to believe that.

I’m Preparing for a Speaking Engagement - See reason #2.

But then I stumbled across a winner:

I’m allowing new members of the Ominous Coalition to catch up on their reading by going over a few highlights of our illustrious history together.*

Now that’s an excuse to take home to momma. A perfectly believable yet throughly artificial justification rolling around upon my laurels and seeing if any of them stick.

However, now that I’ve raised everyone’s hopes I suppose I could wax historical for a short while, just out some misguided sense of honesty.

Okay. But hold on tight because this will be brief.

For readers who have not yet grasped why I am coping with Dr. Toboggans absence/demise so well, here are a few examples of him in action badgering, battering, and badly in need of a shower.

Ask Doctor Toboggans

Carping Diem 14 | Carping Diem 22 | Carping Diem 12

For readers who are struggling with the current economic downturn, perhaps even now viewing this site by candlelight and hamster-power, allow me to refer you to my Buck-O-Quest economic recovery series for hard-hitting, nearly feasible, expert finical advice.*

The Beginning | Close to the End | Closer to the End

Really Close to the End | Pretty Much Overshooting the End

1.21 Jigglewatts of Furry, Pellet-Producing Power

And finally one year ago on the Comma everyone was all aflutter about:

Google Purchasing Luxembourg (The Country).

Go ahead, get educated, and enjoy. I’ll be back with more adventures soon.

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*Yes, I realize that spending three-hundred words explaining how I’m not going to post is, strictly speaking, a post in and of itself, but I’m really trying to shirk my responsibilities here and that’s got to count for something.

**Not responsible for….

Actually, let’s just stop with Not Responsible…Yeah, that about sums it up.

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I loves me some humor-blogs.com and gots a powerful hankering for some alltop too.

After a long time of holding out faith, hope, and various restraining orders, it appears that Doctor Harold Toboggans is finally and truly gone.

Even the renowned Memphis Psychiatric Recovery Team has called off their search and concentrated their efforts instead on comforting his former clients during their time of grief and newly reclaimed cash flow.

It seems that there is nothing left to do but to mourn his passing and how long it took to arrive.

That and try to lay claim to the lucrative patents held by Toboggans Industries.

So here is your opportunity to bid farewell to that fount of hot air and therapeutic malpractice, and to raise a toast…or perhaps an army in his memory.

I know it’s difficult, but please take a moment to share your most awkward, painful, or just plain expensive memories of Doctor Harold Toboggans.

It’s okay, you’re among friends.

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P.S. If you like my fine collection of Tobogganabilia and would like to be my super special photo-buddy, or would just like to see a higher resolutioned slideshow, you can find me here:

Flickr | Picasa | Fotki | 23

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Dr. T always said he wanted to be remembered with a click on humor-blogs.com and a quick round of alltop.com.

Dear readers, I am writing this note hoping to clear up some of the mystery and confusion that despite my best….average…occasional attempts at clarity still seem to blanket this site like a freshly fallen snow, often piling up in drift of raw enigma, sending traffic skidding out of control across all lanes of the information superhighway .

Having already generated more than enough questions with my previous few posts, I am going to do my best to be a responsible citizen and reduce my interrogative footprint* by cutting straight to the answers.

Yes, I screwed up the Name That Quote mini-contest. - It seems that in order to get accurate responses on this sort of thing it helps to put forth the correct quote. So to correct this grievous error, the real and proper quote is:

“Yes. We’re in it.”

And as a little something for your trouble, you can find a hint located here:

Click Me for a Clue

Yes, I finally finished that poor overlooked wooden step from my Home Maintenance Vacation - without much pain, suffering or loss of digits on my part. - I’m no Don Lewis, but I can do modest woodwork when I put my mind to it. And get off the computer. And assemble all the right tools. And am trying to impress my wife.

The Proof

And finally,

Yes, that’s me onstage singing in that last video. With my friends DangerCouch, who are wanted in several states for drum rustling.

Which is not only embarrassing, but also threatens to raise even more questions. Questions which I will attempt to dispatch before they can escape the nest.

• Yes, I’m in a band.
• No, we don’t thoroughly suck.
• Yes, that much plaid in one location does violate both zoning ordinances and international treaties. I know.

Although there are probably more questions out there, that’s all the words we have for now.**

Happy Tuesday.

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*There is an endangered supply of original questions in this world, with most of the ones you encounter being hackneyed variations of: Who, What, Where, When, and How Much is That in American Money.

**As a lesser known part of the Patriot Act, all internet publications are subject to strict word rationing except for those that actively support the war effort by supplying partisan politics or celebrity gossip.

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E Plurbis Votem Me un humor-blogs.com

Alltop.com - I’m on it.

With my last foray into Quasi-Shakespearean Home Maintenance Verse having done so much to raise the cultural density of this otherwise highly penetrable site, my first thought upon completing my latest household chore was of course: “There must be someone who would have done this for $8 an hour.”

My second thought was to celebrate my victory over domestic labor in bold Bard-worthy form.

This would be that second thought:

When e’er I see with mine two eyes

My home’s most redneck state

And find no beauty there within

Due to my absent mate

Note the missing wife and present tree. Foreshadowing is in the forecast

,

Far wanders my frail and lonely mind

To times more graced with bliss

And dawns the thought ‘fore her return

I might should look at her list

Don’t worry Love, your list is at the top of my list…somewhere

,

First task upon that urgent note:

Lay low the former tree

Whose carcass yet was still too high

To display floral-try*

If you really wanted flowers out here, a step ladder would be no obstacle

,

So filled with might and much Motrin

I lumbered to the task

And forceful laid into said stump

With loves enduring axe**

Love endures a bit longer with 46cc of internal combustion backing it up

,

A might battle thus ensued

One wracked with many harms

And glad was I when last I won

To have still all my arms

I’m no botanist but I don’t think trees are suppose to have diarrhea

,

Though many a more and mighty deed

Were made complete by me

That tale shall test another day

Your love for poetry

Camille was right: this is a vast improvement

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*Important safety note - Never debate the differences between acceptable rhymes and cheesy word tricks with a poet still holding a chainsaw.

**Love’s Enduring Axe - Now that’s a title for a romance film. Overly sentimental, yet filled with the unavoidable bouquet of honest manly labor.

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This post continues to fall without a sound in the forest of humor-blogs.com

Still standing at alltop.com

Although as a writer I always have the highest hopes for all my material, I was surprised at the way my last video blog Iron Maiden Deficient was met with critical acclaim.

Very, very, critical acclaim.

Responses were mixed with some people objecting to my wardrobe selection while others were offended by the offhanded way I “murdered” a classic song.

Not wanting to be left out, a third group formed to express their displeasure at the delicate timbre of my singing voice.

All in all, the experience has given me a great opportunity for personal growth.

As a result I have come to realize that all people are different.

I have also come to realize that not everyone is going to like what I like, no matter how prominently it features me.

In other words, I have discovered that I really shouldn’t do what I’m about to do now.

After all, the whole point of having Weapons of Musical Destruction is to use them as a deterrent, not as a will-crushing force of aesthetic domination.

I hope that someday history will forgive me for this.

Ladies and gentlemen live from Memphis Tennessee, I give you DangerCouch

(Have patience with the whole black and white thing, it’s supposed to be like that. Kind of like The Wizard of Oz but only with ninjas instead of munchkins.)

The Best Example of Plaid Comedy Music-Videoship Around

If you still haven’t had enough plaid wearing, classic baring, ninja staring video entertainment, then I must inform you that there’s plenty more where that came from upon the resplendent silver surface of DangerCouch and the Tinsel of Doom my very own DVD in which I am a huge star.* Buy it now.

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*That was of course before my Toboggans Industries Holly&IvyWood Diet, in which every meal is composed entirely of nutritious and fiber rich twigs and branches of real holly with the occasional garnish of Ivy leaves.

Mine were the poison variety.

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I know this blog is no collection of recycled jokes, but feel free to vote for it at humor-blogs.com anyway.

Also listed at Alltop.com.